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By BELINDA M. PASCHALIt's the most wonderful time of the year
Looking back on newsmakers, the movers and shakers
Who perked up our ears
It's the most wonderful time of the year!It's the hap-happiest season, you know
When we review the news -- oh, that crazy Tom Cruise
Gave us quite a freak show
It's the hap-happiest season, you know!
When TomKat had a baby, some folks thought that maybe
Young Suri just didn't exist
Then Cruise married Holmes in a wedding near Rome
And left Oprah off the guest list!
'Twas a most productive year, so it seems
The stork brought Brangelina another bambina
Soon, they’ll have their own team
'Twas a most productive year, so it seems!
Britney's life was a train wreck, but she regained some respect
By finally dumping K-Fed
Then she dressed very scanty (but forgot her panties)
And partied with Paris instead!
It's a most interesting look at this year
Nicole Richie got thinner … someone, please buy her dinner
Lest she disappear
It's a most interesting look at this year
Lindsay Lohan got wasted, then finally faced it
And checked herself into A.A.
There was hardly a blink when Lance Bass of NSYNC
Announced to us that he was gay!
'Twas a year of star breakups, it's true
Pam and hubby Kid Rock -- well, now there's a big shock
Nick and Jessica, too
'Twas a year of star breakups, it's true!
There were meltdowns from hell -- first an actor named Mel
Put his true colors on full display
Gibson claimed that the booze made him slander the Jews
No excuse for his acting that way!
Then the guy who played Kramer, he blamed it on anger
When his mouth got him into a mess
Caused a helluva scandal; a pro would've handled
A heckler with much more finesse!
Looking back at this star-studded year
At the highs and the lows, Ashlee Simpson’s new nose
It’s abundantly clear
There’ll be even more star turns next year!
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Christmas music – I love it as much as the next person. Classic choral arrangements, standards like Bing Crosby’s White Christmas, R&B gems like Donny Hathaway’s This Christmas and many of the better pop covers of the last couple decades.
I’ll admit to singing along with Alabama’s contrived tearjerker, Christmas Shoes, more than a few times and even Gayla Peevey’s I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas can’t dampen my holiday spirit. But I absolutely draw the line at Elmo & Patsy’s 1984 hit Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Sure, it was funny the first time I heard it. Then I sobered up.
Don’t get me wrong – novelty songs can be funny and deserving of a place in the canon of comedic Christmas carols. Case in point: Bob and Doug Mackenzie’s Twelve Days of Christmas. (You can’t help but love a song in which the first day’s gift is beer.)
However, some songs should come with an expiration date; still others should never even see the light of day. Take, for instance, Jingle Bells Boogie by the Jingle Dogs. You know, the one with dogs barking to the tune of Jingle Bells.
Now, I’ve got nothing against Jingle Bells … when sung by humans. But if I were trapped on a deserted island with no music other than the Jingle Dogs’ version, I would hollow out my own leg and use it as a canoe to escape this torture. That goes double for anything by the Jingle Cats. Folks, please have your pets spayed or neutered before they’re old enough to sign a recording contract.
While the Jingle critters make me long for hermetically sealed ears, they pale in comparison to Rosie O’Donnell’s A Rosie Christmas and Another Rosie Christmas, released in 1999 and 2000, respectively. Not even a respectable roster of bona fide musical talent including Elton John, Lauryn Hill, Gloria Estefan, Trisha Yearwood, Jewel and Celine Dion can make up for this felonious assault on the ears.
On the second album, The Mouth That Roared teams with the Dixie Chicks on Merry Christmas from the Family, inarguably the only holiday song to mention tampons.
Other "Too Awful to Be Real, But They Are" tunes:
* Even Squeaky Fromme Likes Christmas – The Rev. Glen Armstrong. ‘Cos nothing says "holiday spirit" like a gun-wielding Charles Manson devotee (Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme) who tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.
* Here Comes Santa – Joe Pesci. Yep, that Joe Pesci. Before becoming an actor, he was an aspiring singer who called himself Little Joe Ritchie. You think he’s funny? Like he’s a clown? You will when you hear this song.
* Santa Doesn't Smoke Anymore – Uncle Larry Nestor. Apparently, St. Nick voted NO on Issue 4 and YES on Issue 5.
These are just a drop in the bucket of horrendous Christmas songs. Here’s a quick shout-out to Hanukkah/Chanukah, which comes with its own medley of musical missteps:
* Hanukkah Rocks – Gefilte Joe & The Fish, billed the world’s only Jewish senior-citizen rock band! In other words, the American version of the Rolling Stones!
* The Dreidel Song – The Christmas Chicks & The Fowlharmonic Symphony featuring The Kosher Chickens. No, seriously.
On that note, there’s only one thing I have to add regarding the final two entries: Oy to the world!
