THAT'S THE JINGLE BELL SCHLOCK

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Christmas music – I love it as much as the next person. Classic choral arrangements, standards like Bing Crosby’s White Christmas, R&B gems like Donny Hathaway’s This Christmas and many of the better pop covers of the last couple decades.

I’ll admit to singing along with Alabama’s contrived tearjerker, Christmas Shoes, more than a few times and even Gayla Peevey’s I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas can’t dampen my holiday spirit. But I absolutely draw the line at Elmo & Patsy’s 1984 hit Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Sure, it was funny the first time I heard it. Then I sobered up.

Don’t get me wrong – novelty songs can be funny and deserving of a place in the canon of comedic Christmas carols. Case in point: Bob and Doug Mackenzie’s Twelve Days of Christmas. (You can’t help but love a song in which the first day’s gift is beer.)

However, some songs should come with an expiration date; still others should never even see the light of day. Take, for instance, Jingle Bells Boogie by the Jingle Dogs. You know, the one with dogs barking to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Now, I’ve got nothing against Jingle Bells … when sung by humans. But if I were trapped on a deserted island with no music other than the Jingle Dogs’ version, I would hollow out my own leg and use it as a canoe to escape this torture. That goes double for anything by the Jingle Cats. Folks, please have your pets spayed or neutered before they’re old enough to sign a recording contract.

While the Jingle critters make me long for hermetically sealed ears, they pale in comparison to Rosie O’Donnell’s A Rosie Christmas and Another Rosie Christmas, released in 1999 and 2000, respectively. Not even a respectable roster of bona fide musical talent including Elton John, Lauryn Hill, Gloria Estefan, Trisha Yearwood, Jewel and Celine Dion can make up for this felonious assault on the ears.

On the second album, The Mouth That Roared teams with the Dixie Chicks on Merry Christmas from the Family, inarguably the only holiday song to mention tampons.

Other "Too Awful to Be Real, But They Are" tunes:

* Even Squeaky Fromme Likes Christmas – The Rev. Glen Armstrong. ‘Cos nothing says "holiday spirit" like a gun-wielding Charles Manson devotee (Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme) who tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.

* Here Comes Santa – Joe Pesci. Yep, that Joe Pesci. Before becoming an actor, he was an aspiring singer who called himself Little Joe Ritchie. You think he’s funny? Like he’s a clown? You will when you hear this song.

* Santa Doesn't Smoke Anymore – Uncle Larry Nestor. Apparently, St. Nick voted NO on Issue 4 and YES on Issue 5.

These are just a drop in the bucket of horrendous Christmas songs. Here’s a quick shout-out to Hanukkah/Chanukah, which comes with its own medley of musical missteps:

* Hanukkah Rocks – Gefilte Joe & The Fish, billed the world’s only Jewish senior-citizen rock band! In other words, the American version of the Rolling Stones!

* The Dreidel Song – The Christmas Chicks & The Fowlharmonic Symphony featuring The Kosher Chickens. No, seriously.

On that note, there’s only one thing I have to add regarding the final two entries: Oy to the world!