BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL It’s a good indication of what we’ve come to expect from celebrity parents when the typical reaction to the name of Christina Aguilera’s newborn son is, “Max? But that’s so … normal!”
Indeed, it’s becoming difficult to imagine the rich and famous sending their well-heeled whelps off to kindergarten with monikers like Jacob and Emily, the top names of choice among the non-famous in the past year. As celebrity baby names grow increasingly off-the-wall, little Max could be rubbing elbows with schoolmates whose names consist of unpronounceable symbols. Imagine roll call: “Bratman, Max ... Spears, Jayden … uh, Three Lines With A Curly Doodle On Top.”
I’m all for unusual names, but there’s a fine line between “unique” and “most likely to receive wedgies on a daily basis.”
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay hubby Chris Martin, named their daughter Apple in 2004, folks thought they’d gone bananas. Now, their kid’s name is scarcely a blip on the weird-o-meter, for beyond the Apples and Suris and Maddoxes of Hollyweird is a whole new breed of names that prove that there just ain’t no cure for stupid.
Submitted for your disapproval:
* Kal-El, son of actor Nicolas Cage. Kal-El is Superman’s birth name. We get it, Nic – you’re a comic book fan. But why not Clark or Kent? Sure hope your boy can run faster than a speeding bullet when the schoolyard bullies are on his tail.
* Pilot Inspektor, son of actor Jason Lee, is named after, “He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot,” the opening song on Grandaddy's 2000 album, “The Sophtware Slump.” Good thing Lee didn't listen to the whole album or the tot might be “Jed the Humanoid.”
* Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie, daughters of singer Bob Geldof and late British TV personality Paula Yates. I’m thinking they wanted puppies instead of children. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, daughter of late INXS frontman Michael Hutchence and the late Paula Yates. “Hiraani” sounds exotic. “Heavenly Hiraani,” however, sounds like a Ben & Jerry's flavor.
* Audio Science, son of actress Shannyn Sossamon. I'm pretty sure I took this class in junior college.
* Tu Morrow, daughter of actor Rob Morrow and future star of a TV show called “How Thinking I Was Clever Made My Kid Hate Me.”
* Tallulah Pine, daughter of Duran Duran's Simon LeBon ... and also the scent of my car air freshener. Fellow Durannie John Taylor's daughter is Atlanta Knew. Wonder if she'll be followed by brothers called Buffalo Heard and Cleveland Rocks?
* Rocket, Racer, Rebel and Rogue, sons of director Robert Rodriguez. Or Japanese anime characters. Or future WWF superstars. You decide.
* Moxie CrimeFighter, daughter of magician Penn Jillette. Penn's theory: Most people don't use their middle names, anyway, so why not “have some fun with it?” Right. Now explain “Moxie.”
* Jermajesty, son of Jermaine Jackson. The only thing more frightening than the pretentiousness of this name is the fact that it makes Michael seem like the normal parent.
2 comments:
Actually John Taylor's daughter is named Atlanta Noo DeCadenet Taylor. "Noo" is short for "Noodlehead," which is a nickname he and his then wife Amanda DeCadenet called each other.
Well, slap my face and call me a noodlehead! I stand corrected. Thanks, Lara!
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