BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
It was 232 years ago today that John Hancock put pen to parchment and proclaimed, “There! I reckon that near-sighted rascal King George won’t have any trouble seeing THAT!” From that momentous occasion on July 4, 1776, Independence Day has evolved into a nationwide celebration marked by patriotism and parades, food and festivities, and of course, fireworks.
Before you get your party on, there’s an important rule everyone should keep in mind: Safety is Job One. So remember: It’s a grill, not a bonfire. Use sunscreen. No horseplay in the pool. And most importantly, “fat pants” are a must at any backyard barbecue. Having a button fly off your overstretched Levi’s at warp-speed is not only embarrassing, but someone could lose an eye. There’s nothing like a disfiguring wardrobe malfunction to kill the mood of a family gathering.
But seriously, folks, let’s try to take the number of Fourth of July injuries down to a record low this year. Have fun, be safe, sane and sensible, and thank your lucky stars (and stripes) that these decidedly dangerous fireworks and aerial displays are not available in any stores:
* Yankee Doodle Dandruff
* Couch-on-Fire, Hidden Dragon
* Ramen Candles
* Kanye's Inferno
* Harry Potter and the Chamber of Second-Degree Burns
* Recurring Hot Flashes
* Flaming Mustard Gas – Available in Dijon or Grey Poupon
* Suppository Snakes
* Spiro-Pyro-Graph
* "Hey, Y'all ... Watch This!" The Build-It-Yourself Missile Kit
* Scars and Stripes Forever
* Nuclear Winter Wonderland
* Grampa's Old-Fashioned Cigarettes ‘n’ Oxygen Tent
* Fire-n-brimstone-crackers
* Retina Detachers
* Pop-a-razzi!
* Wheel of Misfortune
* Weapons of Rather Unimpressive Destruction
* The Four Fountains of the Apocalypse
* The Laser Gazer – It’s a light show and eye surgery all in one!
* Nostril Flares
* Grenade Roulette – Is it live or is it a dud? Only time will tell!
* Compton Crossfire
* The Naomi Campbell Public Meltdown
* Hasbro’s Exploding Lite-Brite™
* Microwave ‘n’ Tinfoil Economy-Pak
* Whiskey Bottle Rockets
* Elvis Presley’s Hunka-Hunka Burnin’ Lava
* Blistered Arm-ageddon
* Scented smoke bombs – Aromas include Savory Sulfur, Chokecherry and Dismember-mint
* Manhole Manglers
* The Sky-Tanic – Complete with Leonardo DiCaprio action figure!
* Taser-Dodge
* The Zit-Geyser
* Pin the Fuse on the Donkey
* Amber Waves of Pain
* The ThighMaster™ Friction Sparkler Show
* Traffic Cone Volcano
* The Star-Spangled Tanner – Emits intense UV rays that give you that St. Tropez tan in 10 seconds or less! (Warning: Do not watch display for more than 10 seconds.)
* The Black Widowmaker
* Disco Fireball
* Flying Finger Flambé
* The Spirit of Seventy Bics – Comes with eight-track tape of "Free Bird"!
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