PAPA’S NOT A BRAND-NEW GAG

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

In this age of cookie-cutter programming, with hundreds of channels spewing no-resemblance-to-reality shows, Very Special Episodes and so-you-think-you-can-marry-a-dancing-millionaire-cougar contests, there’s little to nothing groundbreaking on the tube.

Shhh! Don’t tell The Powers That Be at CBS, who think they’ve mined comedy gold with the idea to base a show on the popular Twitter account of an out-of-work California writer.

After unemployment forced him to move in with his parents, Justin Halpern created the site to chronicle his 73-year-old father’s insults, tirades and pontifications. Example: “Oh, please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”

Be warned before you Google the Twitter page: The elder Halpern’s proclamations aren’t usually as tame as the above quote; most are generously laced with profanity. In fact, the title of Halpern’s site includes a four-letter synonym for bodily waste that’s not fit for this family publication. Let’s just call it “Stuff My Dad Says” – “SMDS” for short.

In a victory for basement-dwellers everywhere, Halpern has become an Internet sensation, garnering 700,000 (and counting) followers, scoring a book deal with HarperCollins, and then landing an offer to co-write a sitcom inspired by “SMDS.”

CBS execs are twitterpated over this “new” idea, but they can’t slap a fresh coat of paint on a rundown shack and convince me it’s the Taj Mahal.

The concept of a crotchety geezer who berates and belittles everyone and everything under the sun? Gosh, I loved this show when I was 8 and it was called “All in the Family.”

Long before social networks, TV networks deluged us with dour, disgruntled dads. Here’s a half-dozen of my personal faves:

Archie Bunker, “All in the Family”
Family: Wife Edith, “little girl” Gloria, son-in-law Mike Stivic
Trademarks: Shabby armchair; penchant for slandering and stereotyping those of races, ethnicities, religions, etc., other than his own – and somehow, he made it funny.
Quotes: “Aw, geez!” “Dingbat!” “You are a Meathead!” “Shut … up … you!”

Fred Sanford, “Sanford and Son”
Family: Son Lamont; sister-in-law Aunt Esther, best friends Grady and Bubba
Trademarks: Junkyard; raggedy pickup; ratty beard; suspenders and plaid shirt
Quotes: “Shut up, dummy!” “It’s The Big One! I’m comin’ to join you, Elizabeth!”

Red Forman, “That '70s Show”
Family: Wife Kitty, daughter Laurie, son Eric
Trademarks: Permanently furrowed brow; narrow-eyed scowl
Quote: “Dumbass!”

Martin Crane, “Frasier”
Family: Sons Frasier and Niles, both psychologists; live-in physical therapist Daphne Moon
Trademarks: Threadbare armchair; cane; Jack Russell terrier named Eddie
Quote: “I did … then we had Niles.” – In response to Frasier asking if he believed in second chances.

Frank Costanza, “Seinfeld”
Family: Wife Estelle, son George
Trademarks: Incessant bellowing; man-boobs
Quotes: “You want a piece of me? YOU GOT IT!” “My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.”

Al Bundy, “Married … with Children”
Family: Wife Peggy, daughter Kelly, Son Bud
Trademarks: Beleaguered expression; Sans-a-Belt trousers with hand in waistband
Quote: “Peg, kids, get ready to torture me – I'm home.”