HOW TO WIN THE RESOLUTIONARY WAR

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

As the clock struck midnight two weeks ago, legions of self-improvers crushed out their last smokes, took a final swig of champagne, and with gimlet-eyed determination, resolved to leave their vices behind. Others pledged to lose weight, spend more time with loved ones, get out of debt, and made countless other resolutions to upgrade themselves to New And Improved Human 2.0.

Not this girl. As I lay on my sofa, eating chips, watching the ball drop in Times Square on the big-screen television Santa (translation: my mom) gave me, and texting a friend who was laying on her sofa, eating chips and vicariously partying in Times Square with me, I resolved to do three things: Grab a blanket, snag some salsa for my chips, and channel-surf.

I kept my resolutions, but I know several people who have torn their vows asunder just 15 days into the new year. The secret to my success? Anti-resolutions. By declaring the endeavors I refuse to undertake in the next 12 months (unless doctor- or court-ordered), I’m guaranteed victory. So, in 2010, I resolve NOT to:

* Quit drinking. I don’t drink that much to begin with, so what's a glass or two? Every half hour. And the glass is shaped like a bottle.

* Quit smoking. Nobody likes a quitter and besides, I'm good at it. So don't be surprised if you see me simultaneously smoking a cigarette, a cigar and a ham or two.

* Tell the truth about my age. Actually, I plan to say I'm older than I am, so people will gush, "Wow, you look great!"

* Floss more. I already do it religiously – every Easter and Christmas.

* Watch any movie described by friends and/or family as "hilarious, the funniest thing I've ever seen!" I'm talking to you, "The Hangover." You were sporadically chuckle-worthy (just my opinion), but I laughed harder at the Portuguese translation of your title: "When You Drink, Don't Get Married."

* Spend an entire Saturday in my pj’s in front of the computer. After all, that new big-screen TV ain’t gonna watch itself.

* Keep using the same lame excuses for missing work, skipping the weddings of people I don't want to buy gifts, forgetting birthdays, etc. Instead, I'll think of new excuses.

* Be put on hold. When the person on the other end of the phone asks, "Will you hold, please?" he/she is clearly stating that I have a choice in the matter.

And since we're talking about phone etiquette, I resolve never again to sit through windy telemarketers' sales pitches, unable to get a word in edgewise, only to tell them in the end, "Thanks, not interested." Henceforth, I will interrupt the hucksters mid-spiel and ask for THEIR numbers so I can call back when it's most inconvenient for THEM.

Some of these resolutions are in jest; others are as serious as a German film festival. My philosophy is: Why write about stuff I'm going to do, then not do it when I can do stuff, then write about it?