DE-FUSING THE FOURTH OF JULY

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It’s that time again, when we prepare to celebrate our independence from the nation that ultimately would give us The Beatles, “Absolutely Fabulous,” and Cadbury chocolate (well done!), along with The Spice Girls and “Jerry Springer: The Opera” (try again), and Russell Brand (jury’s still out).

That’s right, it’s almost Independence Day, when we thank our lucky stars (and stripes) that we’re eating hot dogs and apple pie instead of bangers and mash. And of course, this holiday isn’t complete without the requisite Fourth of July fireworks.

Actually, “Fourth of July fireworks” is a misnomer, since packaged pyrotechnics start cropping up in pretty much any store where it’s legal (with the word “legal” being left to the proprietor’s interpretation) long before the actual holiday.

“Welcome to Bargain Bonanza! Would you like to try our new super-duper-sized Combustible Carnival of Calamity?”

“No, thanks … I’m just buying a pack of gum and these ceramic bobbleheads.”

“How about our mega-giganto-normous Barrel of Burnable Bombshells?”

“No, just the gum and the bobbleheads. Ooh! And this half-price, tie-dyed toaster cozy! That’s all.”

“Ah, c’mon … it’s the Fourth of July!”

“Actually, sir, it’s June 12.”

You get the picture.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against feting America’s freedom and lionizing our liberty. I do, however, bristle at being besieged by bombs bursting in air for weeks before and after the Fourth of July. And on the actual holiday, I prefer to watch the colorful aerial exhibits from a safe, non-flammable distance, not packed with dozens of other spectators in some cul-de-sac in an unfamiliar neighborhood. (“Cul-de-sac,” by the way, is French for “no escape route.”)

But seriously, folks, safety is of the utmost importance when dealing with fireworks. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 10,000 people are treated in hospital emergency rooms every year for fireworks-related injuries, and most of these incidents involve children. (According to me, it’s mighty strange that this statistic comes from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

So if you’re going to be firing off gunpowder-propelled projectiles this Fourth of July, remember to be safe, sane and sensible, so you don’t end up with scars and stripes forever. And be glad you’ll never see these bad-idea fireworks and aerial displays at a store near you:

Red, White and Blew a Finger Off

Ba-Rocket Obama

Aimlessly Roamin' Candles

REALLY Hot Pockets

Lady(GaGa)fingers

I Can't Believe It's Not Napalm!

The Wailin' Palin

The Star-Spangled Band-Aid®

Apocalypse POW!

Skanky Doodle

Five Charred Dud

Pop! Goes the Diesel

Rock, Paper, Blisters

Six Degrees of Amputation

As the World Burns

Botulism Rockets

Ring Around the Rosie O’Donnell

Sweet Landmine of Liberty

Fatalcrackers

The Emergency Roominator