I JUST 'COLUMN' LIKE I SEE ‘EM

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Last summer, I penned a column titled “How to Write Gooder,” which offered tips on improving such skills as punctuation, grammar and sentence structure. It drew many positive responses, but some felt a follow-up was needed. “Great tips,” one reader wrote. “But how do I turn those fancied-up sentences into something folks want to read? You make it look easier than taking candy from a baby.”

Nothing could be further from the truth. Taking candy from babies ain’t easy. Their banshee wailing alerts everyone within a five-block radius. Also, writing this column isn’t always a breeze; sometimes the process is painstaking and beset by writer’s block. That’s when I rely on this six-step process:

Step 1 – Visualize the column. Find a quiet space and free your mind of everyday clutter like appointments, unpaid bills and “Why is ‘Two and a Half Men’ still on the air?” I prefer to meditate sitting on the floor, eyes crossed and legs closed. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it.

Be the column. Imagine you’re the words themselves, gamboling across a field of white. Language is your music and you write the songs! If you’ve managed to see this in your mind’s eye, congratulations, you’re bananas – a requirement for being a columnist. Speaking of bananas, this would be a good time for a snack to nourish your brain for Step 2.

Step 2 – Brainstorming: Best done while walking from the computer to the coffeepot. Studies show that the heart palpitations caused by copious amounts of caffeine are worth the mental alertness a good cup (or five) of joe provides. Plus, it keeps you regular.

Write down as many topic ideas as you can without thinking too hard or editing your thoughts. Here’s what I conjured during my stream-of-consciousness brainstorm:

* Phrases that sound dirty but aren’t.

* Why I love coffee.

* Think of a topic, think of a topic, think of a topic!

* Gracias, Juan Valdez: An Ode to Coffee.

* Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?

* LA LA LA COFFEE!!!

OK, maybe I shouldn’t have had that eighth cup, but you get my gist.

Step 3 – Rejuvenation: Brainstorming is draining! Or maybe I’m just coming down from my caffeine high. Take a break. Or a nap. Also, this would be a good time for a snack.

Step 4 – Rough draft: Take that brilliant idea you came up with in Step 2 and craft a lead-in sentence. For example, “If you’re anything like me, you giggle at words like ‘angina,’ and ‘Uranus.’”

Step 5 – The Rewrite: Several days, naps and snacks later, I reopen the document for editing, changes and fine-tuning: “Titular. Pianist. Pupa. If you just giggled at those words, you’re an idiot like me.”

Step 6 – Final draft: Here goes … hit “Send.” It helps to include a note for your editor: “You might want to read this after your fifth cup of coffee.”