GO SHORTIES, IT'S YA BOOK CLUB!

By BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Madonna did it. So did Jamie Lee Curtis. And Bill Cosby and John Travolta and Jay Leno, among others.
No, the answer isn't "starred in some incredibly lousy movies." Well, yeah … they did, but that's beside the point, which is: They've all written children's books. For some reason, celebrities feel uniquely qualified to write books for an audience that largely has no idea who they are. With a few exceptions, these literary forays are as horrible as, say, Leonard Part 6. Or Battlefield Earth. Or Shanghai Surprise. Take your pick; they all suck like a Hoover.
Madonna jumped on the bandwagon a couple years ago with the explanation, "I'm starting to read to my son, but I couldn't believe how vapid and vacant and empty all the stories were. There's, like, no lessons. There's, like, no books about anything." (That’s, like, profound.)
Other scribes for the sandbox set include Sting, Jerry Seinfeld, John Lithgow, Talking Head David Byrne, Katie Couric, footballing brothers Tiki and Ronde Barber, ex-president Jimmy Carter, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, Prince Charles and Whoopi Goldberg. Ally Sheedy was 12 when she penned She Was Nice to Mice, which, incidentally, is much better than most of the claptrap scrawled by grown-up celebs.
Eighties songstress Kylie Minogue (Remember Locomotion? I’m still trying to forget it.) is among the latest stars to publish a kids’ book, The Showgirl Princess, due out in September by Puffin Publishing. According to a press release company, the picture book is geared toward "little girls who dream of dressing up and going onstage" as – what else? – showgirl princesses.
Right. Just the sort of aspirations we want to encourage in the women of tomorrow.
Even rogue rapper 50 Cent has taken his "get rich or die tryin’" credo to the publishing world with a book in which he draws on his past experiences to teach children lessons about life. ("See Jack run. See Jack run from the 5-0. Run, Jack, run!")
I can only imagine the lessons to be learned from the eloquent Mr. Half-Dollar. I can see it now -- stacked somewhere between Beverly Cleary and J.K. Rowling, will be such classics as:
* The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf and Got Smacked Down for Bein’ a Snitch
* Malice in Wonderland
* The Lord of the Bling
* The Crackhouse at Pooh Corner
* Goldilocks and the Three Pimps
* Little Red, Ridin' in Tha Hood
* The Chronic of Narnia
* Hush, Little Baby, or So Help Me, I’ll Give You Somethin’ to Cry About
* Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bullets
* The Gingerbread Man: Original Gangsta
* The Adventures of Sherlock Homeboy
* Little Bo Peep THIS
* Georgie Porgie: Playa of the Year
* Car-Jack and Jill
* Curious George Learns to Mind his Own *$&% Business
Thanks, but no, Fiddy. I'll stick to Dr. Seuss. On second thought, I MIGHT pay 50 cents for your books. But you're gonna owe me change.