EVERYTHING'S COMING UP, ROSIE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

She was like, "Who died and made you the boss?"
And he was all, "Hey, shut up!"
So she goes, "You got stupid hair!"
Then he was like, "Well, you’re fat!"
And she was all, "Duhhh!"
So, he goes, "Barbara said she hates you, too!"
And she was like, "Nuh-uhn!"

Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed might appear to be an argument between any two fourth-graders on any playground of any elementary school in Anytown, USA, as recapped by any one of their classmates. Actually, it’s nothing quite so sophisticated.

Nay, the above verbal exchange is my paraphrased version a well-publicized celebrity feud I’ve taken to calling "Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell: Beyond Thunderdome."

O’Donnell started a war of words last month on The View when she blasted Trump for allowing Miss USA Tara Conner to keep her title, which was in jeopardy because of underage drinking and other misconduct. (Trump owns the Miss Universe Organization, which includes Miss USA and Miss Teen USA.) In addition to criticizing his decision, O’Donnell questioned Trump’s business acumen and cited his romantic history as proof that he has no place acting as "the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America."

Aside from never wanting to visualize The Donald in any sort of romantic situation – well, maybe a tryst with a really good hairdresser – I couldn’t care less about the guy’s personal life. And I’m not gonna hate on homeboy’s business skillz ‘cos he’s managed to bank some crazy loot, so he’s obviously not too shabby in that arena.

I’m not a card-carrying member of Camp Trump, but I give the guy props for having the cojones to stick by his decision – be it good or bad – to give Conner a second chance. He’s been steadfastly unapologetic and I respect that. It’s too bad he weakened his position in this grudge match by responding to Ro’s rant with childish, no-brainer insults like "loser," "dumb," "fat" and "disgusting."

I’m not entirely anti-Rosie, either. In fact, I used to be quite a fan. I loved her as an up-and-coming comic with shoulder pads almost as huge as her fluffy 1980s perm. I loved her in A League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle and Harriet the Spy. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas? OK, not so much.

But since joining The View, O’Donnell has become the schoolyard bully, picking on-air fights with high-profile personalities. In addition to targeting Trump, she has pontificated on Oprah Winfrey’s sexuality and accused Kelly Ripa of "outing" singer Clay Aiken. Last I heard, Aiken hadn’t publicly declared a major, so to speak. So when O’Donnell pointed a finger of blame at Ripa, she obviously overlooked the four fingers pointing back at her.

And that’s precisely my gripe with Rosie these days: She’s become everything she accuses Trump of being – a blowhard, a bag of hot wind, obsessed, and most annoyingly, a self-appointed moral compass. To use the vernacular, she’s something of a player-hater.

Fans of O’Donnell’s previous talk show were thrilled to learn she was returning to daytime TV. Now, many of them are saying, "You know, that Star Jones wasn’t so bad, after all." That can’t be good.

To Rosie and The Donald, I say it’s past time to bury the hatchet, even if it’s in each other’s heads. Don’t go away mad … just go away. Kiss and make up so The View can once again become what it should be – a place for Danny DeVito to hang out when he’s drunk.

IT'S WRITTEN IN THE STARS

By Belinda M. Paschal
DDN'S ANSWER TO MISS CLEO

So this is 2007 ... another year over and a new one just begun. 2006 was a topsy-turvy year in entertainment, with many celebs garnering more press for their personal lives than their professions. At times, it was a veritable zoo, with such attractions as a TomKat, Snakes on a Plane and the most loathsome beast of all, the bloodthirsty paparazzi (known in the scientific world as Camerus Obnoxius).

Ashlee Simpson got her nose done, Tara Reid got her boobs re-done and Michael Richards came undone. Britney finally realized K-Fed was toxic, Whitney stopped saving all her love for Bobby and Paris Hilton's single, Stars Are Blind, proved that stars also are tone-deaf. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, while Madonna went to Africa and brought a baby back. Lindsay Lohan went blonde, brunette and off the deep end.

What antics will we bear witness to in 2007? Here are some of my predictions for the next 360 days in the lives of The Beautiful People:

• Mel Gibson will convert to Judaism and proclaim that the Australians are the cause of all the wars in the world. An angry Russell Crowe will assault him with a cell phone.

• Nicole Richie will reach her goal of slimming down to her original weight: Six pounds, five ounces.

• Lindsay Lohan will drop out of AA when she realizes it doesn't offer emergency roadside service.

• Continuing her penchant for wearing no undies with dresses cut down to her Mason-Dixon line, Britney Spears will single-handedly bring un-sexy back.

• After 13 years of false starts, Guns N' Roses will finally release their new album, Chinese Democracy. The world will be thrown off its axis by the collective yawn of millions of music fans.

• Sean Combs will give up this whole Puffy-Diddy business and change his name to an unpronounceable symbol.

• Rosie O'Donnell will realize that sometimes, silence really is golden. In other news, hell will freeze over.

• Donald Trump will discover a small child living in his hair. Angelina Jolie and Madonna will fight to the death to adopt it.

• Rebounding from the cancellation of If I Did It, Here's How, O.J. Simpson will pen a second book, I Wonder if That Guy in My Mirror Can Help Me Find the Real Killers?

• Hollywood psychics are predicting a son for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Rumors and speculation will run wild when the birth coincides with the inexplicable reappearance of a 96-year-old L. Ron Hubbard.

• Michael Jackson will continue to alter his appearance until reaching his dream of being a human replica of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream.

• Dakota Fanning will assail two audience members at a movie preview with such insults as "poopyhead" and "fartface." A toxicology screen will reveal she was hopped up on Red Bull and Skittles.

• Paris Hilton will: a) Flee the scene of an auto accident; b) Get hauled in for DUI; c) Say something moronic. In other words, the same stuff she did in 2006.

And last, but certainly not least, Time magazine will name me as Person of the Year. Hey, it could happen ... after all, they already chose You.