EVERYTHING'S COMING UP, ROSIE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

She was like, "Who died and made you the boss?"
And he was all, "Hey, shut up!"
So she goes, "You got stupid hair!"
Then he was like, "Well, you’re fat!"
And she was all, "Duhhh!"
So, he goes, "Barbara said she hates you, too!"
And she was like, "Nuh-uhn!"

Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed might appear to be an argument between any two fourth-graders on any playground of any elementary school in Anytown, USA, as recapped by any one of their classmates. Actually, it’s nothing quite so sophisticated.

Nay, the above verbal exchange is my paraphrased version a well-publicized celebrity feud I’ve taken to calling "Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell: Beyond Thunderdome."

O’Donnell started a war of words last month on The View when she blasted Trump for allowing Miss USA Tara Conner to keep her title, which was in jeopardy because of underage drinking and other misconduct. (Trump owns the Miss Universe Organization, which includes Miss USA and Miss Teen USA.) In addition to criticizing his decision, O’Donnell questioned Trump’s business acumen and cited his romantic history as proof that he has no place acting as "the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America."

Aside from never wanting to visualize The Donald in any sort of romantic situation – well, maybe a tryst with a really good hairdresser – I couldn’t care less about the guy’s personal life. And I’m not gonna hate on homeboy’s business skillz ‘cos he’s managed to bank some crazy loot, so he’s obviously not too shabby in that arena.

I’m not a card-carrying member of Camp Trump, but I give the guy props for having the cojones to stick by his decision – be it good or bad – to give Conner a second chance. He’s been steadfastly unapologetic and I respect that. It’s too bad he weakened his position in this grudge match by responding to Ro’s rant with childish, no-brainer insults like "loser," "dumb," "fat" and "disgusting."

I’m not entirely anti-Rosie, either. In fact, I used to be quite a fan. I loved her as an up-and-coming comic with shoulder pads almost as huge as her fluffy 1980s perm. I loved her in A League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle and Harriet the Spy. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas? OK, not so much.

But since joining The View, O’Donnell has become the schoolyard bully, picking on-air fights with high-profile personalities. In addition to targeting Trump, she has pontificated on Oprah Winfrey’s sexuality and accused Kelly Ripa of "outing" singer Clay Aiken. Last I heard, Aiken hadn’t publicly declared a major, so to speak. So when O’Donnell pointed a finger of blame at Ripa, she obviously overlooked the four fingers pointing back at her.

And that’s precisely my gripe with Rosie these days: She’s become everything she accuses Trump of being – a blowhard, a bag of hot wind, obsessed, and most annoyingly, a self-appointed moral compass. To use the vernacular, she’s something of a player-hater.

Fans of O’Donnell’s previous talk show were thrilled to learn she was returning to daytime TV. Now, many of them are saying, "You know, that Star Jones wasn’t so bad, after all." That can’t be good.

To Rosie and The Donald, I say it’s past time to bury the hatchet, even if it’s in each other’s heads. Don’t go away mad … just go away. Kiss and make up so The View can once again become what it should be – a place for Danny DeVito to hang out when he’s drunk.