IT'S WRITTEN IN THE STARS

By Belinda M. Paschal
DDN'S ANSWER TO MISS CLEO

So this is 2007 ... another year over and a new one just begun. 2006 was a topsy-turvy year in entertainment, with many celebs garnering more press for their personal lives than their professions. At times, it was a veritable zoo, with such attractions as a TomKat, Snakes on a Plane and the most loathsome beast of all, the bloodthirsty paparazzi (known in the scientific world as Camerus Obnoxius).

Ashlee Simpson got her nose done, Tara Reid got her boobs re-done and Michael Richards came undone. Britney finally realized K-Fed was toxic, Whitney stopped saving all her love for Bobby and Paris Hilton's single, Stars Are Blind, proved that stars also are tone-deaf. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, while Madonna went to Africa and brought a baby back. Lindsay Lohan went blonde, brunette and off the deep end.

What antics will we bear witness to in 2007? Here are some of my predictions for the next 360 days in the lives of The Beautiful People:

• Mel Gibson will convert to Judaism and proclaim that the Australians are the cause of all the wars in the world. An angry Russell Crowe will assault him with a cell phone.

• Nicole Richie will reach her goal of slimming down to her original weight: Six pounds, five ounces.

• Lindsay Lohan will drop out of AA when she realizes it doesn't offer emergency roadside service.

• Continuing her penchant for wearing no undies with dresses cut down to her Mason-Dixon line, Britney Spears will single-handedly bring un-sexy back.

• After 13 years of false starts, Guns N' Roses will finally release their new album, Chinese Democracy. The world will be thrown off its axis by the collective yawn of millions of music fans.

• Sean Combs will give up this whole Puffy-Diddy business and change his name to an unpronounceable symbol.

• Rosie O'Donnell will realize that sometimes, silence really is golden. In other news, hell will freeze over.

• Donald Trump will discover a small child living in his hair. Angelina Jolie and Madonna will fight to the death to adopt it.

• Rebounding from the cancellation of If I Did It, Here's How, O.J. Simpson will pen a second book, I Wonder if That Guy in My Mirror Can Help Me Find the Real Killers?

• Hollywood psychics are predicting a son for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Rumors and speculation will run wild when the birth coincides with the inexplicable reappearance of a 96-year-old L. Ron Hubbard.

• Michael Jackson will continue to alter his appearance until reaching his dream of being a human replica of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream.

• Dakota Fanning will assail two audience members at a movie preview with such insults as "poopyhead" and "fartface." A toxicology screen will reveal she was hopped up on Red Bull and Skittles.

• Paris Hilton will: a) Flee the scene of an auto accident; b) Get hauled in for DUI; c) Say something moronic. In other words, the same stuff she did in 2006.

And last, but certainly not least, Time magazine will name me as Person of the Year. Hey, it could happen ... after all, they already chose You.