GIRLS GONE BALD

By BELINDA M. PASCHAL

For the past few weeks, we've been knee-deep in the hoopla surrounding Britney Spears' impromptu head-shaving episode. Without a doubt, the poor girl is 10 pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag, but she's certainly not the first famous woman to bare her noggin.

Traditional standards of femininity dictate that a woman's hair is her crowning glory, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the entertainment business, where what's on top of a woman's skull garners more attention than what's inside it.

Tradition, schmadition, I say. There are numerous follicularly-challenged females who exemplify shear beauty. As proof of this, I present to you my personal Top 10 Hottest and/or Coolest Bald Women in Entertainment, in no particular order:

1. Grace Jones: Pull Up to the Bumper was a big hit for Jones, who pulled up to the barber to become one of the first chrome-domed women in popular music.

2. Lieutenant Ilia in Star Trek: The Motion Picture: Persis Khambatta lopped off her raven locks to portray a Deltan dish who exuded pheromones to attract human males, thus bypassing the expense of Bud Light and ESPN.

3. Evey Hammond: Natalie Portman went all Edward Scissor-head two years ago for this role in V for Vendetta and looked absolutely stunning. Of course, Portman would still be gorgeous with a dead possum atop her head, whereas Donald Trump has never been able to pull off that look.

4. Ellen Ripley, Alien 3: As one of filmdom's few bona-fide female action heroes, Sigourney Weaver kicked butt in this 1992 sequel without the annoyance of a hairstyling posse spritzing her every five minutes to maintain that "I'm all sweaty from fighting a drooling space monster" look.

5. Lt. Jordan O'Neil: Demi Moore rocked a buzz cut as a Navy SEAL in 1997's G.I. Jane. She won rave reviews and dazzled moviegoers — including future hubby Ashton Kutcher, who had to be accompanied by an adult to see this R-rated flick.

6. Sinèad O'Connor: No list of baldy babes would be complete without the controversial Irish rocker who's as well-remembered for shredding a photo of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night Live as she is for hits like Nothing Compares 2 U.

7. Melissa Etheridge: Wearing her smooth scalp as a badge of courage from her battle with breast cancer, Etheridge stole the show at the 2005 Grammys with a medley of Janis Joplin's Cry Baby/Piece of My Heart.

8. Queen Elizabeth I: While not officially an entertainment figure, Elizabeth of Tudor, who went bald at age 29 due to smallpox, has been portrayed on TV and film, most recently by Helen Mirren on last year's great HBO mini-series.

9. India.Arie: A champion of self-love over societal standards of beauty, she crooned, "I am not my hair/I am not this skin/I am not your expectations," in last year's I Am Not My Hair.

10. Prymaat Conehead: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd as matrimonial companion Beldar were noted for the uniform consistency and gradual diminution of their subcutaneous cranial regions. Yeah, I had to consult a dictionary to understand 'em, too.

Honorable Mention: Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager.

While I applaud the courage of women who break the bonds of conventionality and dare to go bare, I won't be shaving my head any time soon. This isn't merely a matter of vanity; it's just that it would be terribly embarrassing to have Linus mistake my freakishly round noggin for The Great Pumpkin come Halloween.