Rehab is the new “I’m sorry”

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Once upon a time, celebrities checked into rehab because of the things they put into their mouths. Nowadays, it’s because of the things that come out.

Sure, there will always be celebs entering rehab for chemical dependency – or as they call it in the business, “exhaustion” – but that’s soooo five years ago. There’s a new fad – or cliché, depending on how you look at it – in town: Stars seeking professional help after an “oops, did I say that out loud?” moment threatens to send their careers spiraling down the ol’ porcelain whirlpool.

The redemption routine has become so predictable, you can pretty much set your watch to it. Celebrity blurts out derogatory slur pertaining to race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, etc. Celebrity issues carefully scripted (by a paid PR flak) apology. Celebrity goes to treatment for a quick image fix.

Michael Richards did it following his cuckoo-bananas racist rant. Mel Gibson did it after unleashing Mad Max: Beyond Hitlerdome on the cops who pulled him over for drunken driving. Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington did it after assailing co-star T.R. Knight with an anti-gay epithet.

It’s not just celebrities who are jumping on the therapy bandwagon. After being outed for what I’ll tactfully call consorting with a male professional specializing in pleasures of the flesh, the Rev. Ted Haggard – a staunch anti-gay activist – has been pronounced “cured.” Charles Atlas promised, “In just seven days, I can make you a man” … apparently, in just 21 days, a therapist made Haggard heterosexual.

Even politicians have gotten into the game. Florida Rep. Mark Foley, nailed for sending suggestive e-mails to teenage male congressional pages, blamed alcohol and a former clergyman for his actions before finally checking himself in for a little personality makeover.

Seeking psychiatric/psychological help isn’t the only thing these people have in common. No, they share something else: They all got caught. Obviously, Gibson genuinely needed rehab for his alcohol problem. But he didn’t seek it until his mouth put his butt in a sling. And Richards’ meltdown left no doubt that the man is grappling with some serious mood issues. His comedy club outburst most likely was not his first angry explosion, but it happened in public and pulled the scab from a sore that had probably been festering for years.

As for Washington, he simply behaved like a jerk and voiced an opinion that would have been best kept to himself. But this is America, where freedom of expression is among the things that make this a great country. However, with that freedom comes the willingness to accept the reactions your opinions provoke and to take responsibility for your words. Unless you’re famous, that is. Then you blame it on your “issues” and do damage-control therapy.

Here’s a simple tip for Gibson, Richards, Washington, et al.: Don’t do it and you won’t get caught. This is the Basic Law of Not Being a Doofus. If you hate people of a certain race, religion, etc., so be it. Again, this is America, where you’re allowed the luxury of independent thought – no matter how odious – until you’re caught saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people.

Which raises the question: Would any of these guys have gone to therapy/rehab had there been no public backlash or their images weren’t on the line? Would Mel Gibson have bolted upright in bed at 3 a.m. with the revelation, “Gee, my career is going great and no one’s upset, but I’ve suddenly realized the need to eradicate my negative perception of Jews.” Somehow, I doubt it.

And if you believe a few days or weeks of treatment has truly “fixed” any of the aforementioned, I’m sure there’s an open bed for you at Rehab for the Gullible.