HEROES’ POWERS BECOMING LESS SUPER

Photo: Amazon.com/Geneon [Pioneer] Studios

Illustrations: Captain Planet Foundation, Inc. (http://www.turner.com/planet)

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

A recent game of rock-paper-scissors left me on the losing end of a debate with a friend about what movie to watch. My pick was “Little Miss Sunshine,” but rock crushed scissors, so I was forced to sit through “X-Men,” the first installment of the big-screen trilogy based on the Marvel comic series about a team of superheroes with special powers.

Fortunately, I’m blessed with a special power of my own: The ability to superimpose a movie I really want to watch over the one I’m currently viewing with great disinterest. Magneto as a foul-mouthed grandpa who dies en route to his granddaughter Rogue’s participation in the Little Miss Mutant beauty pageant? Now that’s entertainment!

Though I zoned out during much of the flick, I did learn one thing from “X-Men”: A lot of superheroes have really, really lame powers. Take Jubilee, for instance. She can shoot fireworks from her hands. That’s a mighty neat party trick to unveil at the Fourth of July company picnic, but being full of sparkly goodness won’t make any self-respecting villain quake with fear: “I will now mesmerize you with pretty colors long enough for someone with real powers to show up, MWAHAHAHA!”

Still, Jubilee can thank her lucky, twinkling stars that she’s a walking Roman candle instead of a fountain of touchy-feely emotions like Ma-Ti of the ‘90s cartoon “Captain Planet and the Planeteers.” The youngest of the environment-conscious quintet kept company with Gi, who could control any water source, as well as Kwame, Linka and Wheeler, who boasted the powers of Earth, Wind and Fire (though their costumes weren’t nearly as cool as the R&B band’s).

With the aforementioned elements already spoken for, all that was left for Ma-Ti was the power of Heart. In other words, he’s very, very caring. Don’t get me wrong – I’m all about peace, love and understanding, but empathy ain’t never stopped a speeding bullet. If I were a superhuman fighter of evil, I’d punch my creator’s head down his neck-hole for arming me with “Heart” as a battle weapon. But at least I’d care enough to ask if he was OK afterward.

If this trend toward watered-down superpowers continues, cartoon crusaders could one day be reduced to such dubious “talents” as:

* The power to make dust bunnies multiply.

* The strength to withstand the "curiously strong" tingle of Altoids.

* The ability to steal candy from a baby.

* The endurance to chuck more wood than a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

* The fortitude to eat just one Lay's potato chip.

* The ability to explode at will … but only once.

* The power to eat ice cream quickly without getting brain freeze.

* The ability to interpret interpretive dance.

* The skill to cut sandwiches into perfectly symmetrical halves.

* The power to get annoying songs stuck in enemies' heads.

When this new breed of hero arrives, I’ll be the first to sign up, since this column has revealed I possess a lethal superpower: The ability to kill time.