CRYING ‘FOUL’ ON TEAMS SPORTING STUPID NAMES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

When it comes to sports, playing is only part of the game. A team’s success also requires some savvy behind-the-scenes folks – managers, promoters, sponsors and so on. That’s why it stymies me that many teams take to the fields, courts, diamonds and ice rinks of America with mind-crushingly stupid names. Apparently, marketers really enjoy a challenge.

Case in point: The Macon Whoopee, a now defunct Macon, Ga., hockey team. Whoever came up with that gem probably pulled a muscle patting himself on the back, but unless you’re a jazz singer or Bob Eubanks, the phrase “Macon Whoopee” should never, ever trip off your tongue. Sources say poor attendance and monetary losses caused the team to fold in 2002, but I suspect they died from the embarrassment of wearing their jerseys in public.

I was baffled last week when I glimpsed about 15.8 seconds of a face-off between the L.A. Kings and the Anaheim Ducks. I’m no hockey expert – the closest I’ve come to the sport is watching a Sarah Palin interview – because I had no idea they dropped “Mighty” from their name almost four years ago. I thought maybe they’d disassociated from Emilio Estevez’s trilogy of cinematic genius in a bid for a less laughable name. You know, because plain ol’ ducks are more serious than mighty ones. They should’ve kept the adjective and traded the bird for something that doesn’t make me think “Daffy.” You know what they say: “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck and jeez, what an idiotic name for a team.”

A team’s name should make opponents hyperventilate and go fetal when they see the season schedule. “Minnesota Vikings” sounds fierce and formidable, while “Houston Texans” sounds like a bored suggestion by someone incredibly lazy. “Pittsburgh Pirates” says, “Arrgh! Surely we shall kill ye!” while “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” says, “Dude, we totally flunked geography.”

A few other pro, college and high school team names that deserve to sit the bench are:

* The Omaha Beef, a pro indoor football (seriously!) organization with a bull mascot named Sir Loin, and female and male dancers called, respectively, The Prime and The Rumproasters. I swear on a stack of T-bones I'm not making this up.

* The Scottsdale (Ariz.) Community College Fighting Artichokes. Nothing says “victory” like an ill-tempered flower-vegetable.

* The St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectic. “Eutectic,” the process of two solids combining to form a liquid is supposedly a metaphor for the school’s combination of athletics and demanding academics. I think it’s really Greek for, “We don’t care about sports because we’ll be cashing big, fat pharmacist paychecks someday, so enjoy your worthless victory, fools!”

* The University of California, Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. They’re coming to slaughter ... your fruit.

And last, but certainly not least, are the unfortunate students of Butte High in Arco, Idaho, where the mascot is … wait for it … a Pirate. For the sake of good sportsmanship, I’ll let that joke write itself.