LET’S TALK TURKEY

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away and I’m already dreading the weeks of leftover turkey. I’m not just talking about resurrecting the remnants as sandwiches, casseroles, soups and salads.

No, in years past, I’ve gotten so creative in my attempts to disguise the remains of the day that I’m pretty much to turkey what Bubba of “Forrest Gump” is to shrimp. There’s turkey lasagna, turkey quesadillas, turkey jerky tacos, chili con turkey, turkey kabobs, turkey gumbo, pan-fried turkey, deep-fried turkey, stir-fried turkey, pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey, pepper tur … well, you get the point.

This year, I’m heading Tom Turkey off at the pass, before he even makes his way to Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I probably won’t reach Farmer Brown before he swings the ax – or whatever undoubtedly gross and gory manner in which the bird is dispatched. Hey, turkey, I don’t know your life; I was almost 10 years old when I learned that you weren’t raised in shrink-wrapped Styrofoam at the deli counter.

Anyway, in the event that I arrive to find ol’ Tom already gone to that Great Turkey Shoot in the Sky, I’ll still honor his remains, just not at my table. Join me in flipping the bird into something new and unusual by consulting my Top 20 Uses for a Dead Turkey:

20. Fancy-schmancy mop … take that, Swiffer!

19. Not-very-effective pool floatie

18. Handy, dandy back-scratcher

17. Makeshift marshmallow roaster

16. Modern-art table lamp

15. When placed at the base of a door, makes a festive draft-blocker

14. New-fangled bagpipes

13. Decorative candlestick

12. Tetherball, anyone?

11. Louisville Gobbler baseball bat

10. High-fashion, hipster headwear that’ll make all those coonskin
cap-wearing dweebs go greener than a seasick leprechaun

9. A couple of snips, throw in a zip and voila! An avant-garde handbag!

8. Nifty feather duster that will give your furniture a delicious golden glaze

7. Guest co-host on "The View" to make Sherri Shepherd look like eloquent genius

6. Tie two together by their necks … instant numchucks!

5. Mullet-like toupee – feathered in the front, giblets in the back!

4. "Discover" dead turkey in your Quarter Pounder, sue the pants off Ronald McDonald.

3. Très chic replacements for those tacky pink flamingos in your front yard

2. Four words: Dead Turkey Puppet Theatre!

And last, but certainly not least:

1. Isn't it about time fruitcake had some meat in it?