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BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away and I’m already dreading the weeks of leftover turkey. I’m not just talking about resurrecting the remnants as sandwiches, casseroles, soups and salads.
No, in years past, I’ve gotten so creative in my attempts to disguise the remains of the day that I’m pretty much to turkey what Bubba of “Forrest Gump” is to shrimp. There’s turkey lasagna, turkey quesadillas, turkey jerky tacos, chili con turkey, turkey kabobs, turkey gumbo, pan-fried turkey, deep-fried turkey, stir-fried turkey, pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey, pepper tur … well, you get the point.
This year, I’m heading Tom Turkey off at the pass, before he even makes his way to Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I probably won’t reach Farmer Brown before he swings the ax – or whatever undoubtedly gross and gory manner in which the bird is dispatched. Hey, turkey, I don’t know your life; I was almost 10 years old when I learned that you weren’t raised in shrink-wrapped Styrofoam at the deli counter.
Anyway, in the event that I arrive to find ol’ Tom already gone to that Great Turkey Shoot in the Sky, I’ll still honor his remains, just not at my table. Join me in flipping the bird into something new and unusual by consulting my Top 20 Uses for a Dead Turkey:
20. Fancy-schmancy mop … take that, Swiffer!
19. Not-very-effective pool floatie
18. Handy, dandy back-scratcher
17. Makeshift marshmallow roaster
16. Modern-art table lamp
15. When placed at the base of a door, makes a festive draft-blocker
14. New-fangled bagpipes
13. Decorative candlestick
12. Tetherball, anyone?
11. Louisville Gobbler baseball bat
10. High-fashion, hipster headwear that’ll make all those coonskin
cap-wearing dweebs go greener than a seasick leprechaun
9. A couple of snips, throw in a zip and voila! An avant-garde handbag!
8. Nifty feather duster that will give your furniture a delicious golden glaze
7. Guest co-host on "The View" to make Sherri Shepherd look like eloquent genius
6. Tie two together by their necks … instant numchucks!
5. Mullet-like toupee – feathered in the front, giblets in the back!
4. "Discover" dead turkey in your Quarter Pounder, sue the pants off Ronald McDonald.
3. Très chic replacements for those tacky pink flamingos in your front yard
2. Four words: Dead Turkey Puppet Theatre!
And last, but certainly not least:
1. Isn't it about time fruitcake had some meat in it?
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Thanksgiving is treated by many as an appetizer for Christmas – it stimulates the palate in preparation for the main course. It's the opening act for the headliner, the preview before the feature film. If Christmas were Hall, Thanksgiving would be Oates.
But in my book, Thanksgiving is the best holiday, despite the absence of Thanksgiving presents under a Thanksgiving tree, Thanksgiving carols and Thanksgiving stockings. And where are all the Thanksgiving movies? Oh, they're out there – you just gotta search for ‘em. Which is exactly what I did, and my research turned up a surprising number of treasures (and a few turkeys).
If you don’t want to sit through NFL hell and Uncle Jack’s 847th reenactment of his winning touchdown at the 1968 state championship, check out these vintage videos while you digest your vittles:
* “Hannah and Her Sisters”: I'm not a huge Woody Allen fan, but if I had to choose between this 1986 comedy-drama and say, a Pauly Shore flick, I'd pick the Wood-Man over the Weasel. Unless "Encino Man" is showing, then all bets are off. But seriously, this is one of Woody's best. The stellar cast includes Mia Farrow, Dianne Wiest and Barbara Hershey in a story that begins with one Thanksgiving and ends with another. It's funny, clever, heartwarming and all those other things a holiday movie about family should be. And I'm pretty sure it's Allen’s only film featuring both his mate at the time (Farrow) and his future wife, Farrow's daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, then a teenager in an uncredited role.
* “Home For The Holidays”: Director Jodie Foster's sophomore outing perfectly captures the essence of family: People who love each other, but don't always necessarily like each other. Stars include Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, Charles Durning, Robert Downey Jr. and Claire Danes.
* "The House of Yes": This 1997 film adaptation of Wendy MacLeod's long-running play offers a bit of dark meat to offset the lighter fare. The daughter of a clan obsessed with the Kennedys, Jackie-O (Parker Posey) reenacts the presidential assassination with her twin brother at their Thanksgiving reunion. Look for Tori Spelling in a very out-of-character role.
* “Planes, Trains, & Automobiles”: If the dysfunctional family theme is too big a buzzkill, you can count on this John Hughes classic to brighten the mood. All Steve Martin wants is to spend Thanksgiving with his family. What he gets is three days with a turkey – John Candy as an obnoxious salesman.
* “What's Cooking?”: Four families of different ethnicities – African-American, Jewish, Latino and Vietnamese – get together for the holiday. Guaranteed to make you hungry for seconds! The ensemble cast includes Alfre Woodard and Lainie Kazan.
* For the giblets – er, kidlets, there’s Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Thanksgiving Celebration,” 1969’s “Mouse on the Mayflower” and “A Rugrats Thanksgiving.
* And no cinematic smorgasbord would be complete without the Emmy-winning “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” in which the Peanuts Gang gathers for roast bird – and Woodstock is thankful it’s not him.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL Ozzy Osbourne has done some insane things in his day, but his next display of lunacy and wild abandon will take the proverbial cake. Alert the paparazzi: The Prince of Darkness is going to – yikes! – host a Thanksgiving dinner.
On Nov. 18, four lucky metalheads will be singing, “Over the river and through Hollywood, to Ozz-father’s house we go!” as they reap the benefits of the “Thanksgiving with Ozzy” contest sponsored by mobile media company SendMe and concert/tour promoters AEG Live. At SendMe’s sweepstakes site, SoLow.com, Ozzy fans are bidding until 9 a.m. today for the chance to celebrate an early Turkey Day at the Osbournes’ new pad in Los Angeles.
Makes sense to me. After all, when you hear the word “Thanksgiving,” who doesn’t immediately think of a doddering, incoherent middle-aged Englishman in Spandex? But hey, different strokes … one man’s garbage is another man’s giblets, right?
The winning contestant will claim the grand prize, which includes round-trip airfare for the winner and three friends, $500 cash, hotel accommodations in L.A. and San Diego (I believe head-banger protocol dictates the trashing of said hotel rooms) and a concert in the latter city featuring Ozzy and Rob Zombie. But the pièce de résistance – or the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie, as it were – is the opportunity to watch Ozzy do something few have ever seen him do.
Will he utter a full sentence without using profanity?
Will he bite the head off a live turkey?
Will he mistake the gravy boat for a urinal?
No, no and no. Puh-leese … such banalities are the stuff of everyday life for a madman like Ozzy. What he has in store for his guests will shock, awe and undoubtedly change their view of their idol forever. In fact, they could very well be rendered permanently mute after the sight of – Warning: Parental Discretion Advised – Ozzy preparing his famous Yorkshire pudding.
The Ozz-man is famous for many things – his years with Black Sabbath, his solo career, his MTV reality show – and infamous for many others – see above references to profanity, animal head-biting and publicly relieving himself. But seeing his name in the same sentence with “famous Yorkshire pudding” has to be a first.
I can only imagine what the dinnertime conversation will be like:
Ozzy: “Bloody ‘ell! I can’t (bleeping) work this (bleeping) electric knife (unintelligible rambling).”
Sharon: “Just take the (bleeping) thing and – down, Minnie! No! Bad dog!”
Kelly: “Mum! That contest person is (bleeping) staring at my (bleeps)!”
Ozzy: (Gibberish)
Sharon: “Minnie, no! We don’t do that to the guest’s leg! Naughty girl!”
Kelly: “Mum! Dad! (Bleeping) make him stop! Sigh … no one (bleeping) listens to me!”
Contest winner: “No one listens to your music … why should they listen to you talk?”
Ah, but I jest. To be honest, I have a soft spot for the oddly-functional-within-dysfunction Osbournes, and I’d love to be a fly on the wall during the Ozz-festivities. If nothing else, it would be worth it to hear Ozzy channeling Pink Floyd as he chides Jack and Kelly, “How can you have any Yorkshire pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
