ASK A SILLY QUESTION …

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

In the decade or so since Al Gore invented the Internet (just kidding – everyone knows it’s a surveillance device created by a superior alien species to observe us earthlings), it seems like the same 50 emails have been making the rounds. You know the ones – heart-tugging tales of missing/sick children; virus alerts, occasionally real but usually hoaxes; horror stories of people contracting the latest epidemic from a gas pump or pay phone – and so on and so on.

I’ve lost count of how many emails I’ve gotten notifying me that it’s National Friendship Day/Week/Month, but apparently, this “holiday” falls numerous times a year. And if there were any truth to the one about Microsoft sending x-number of dollars to everyone who forwards a particular email, Bill Gates would owe me $8,274.28.

But occasionally, I receive recycled email I don’t mind reading for the 923rd time, particularly “Questions That Make You Go ‘Hmmm.’” These oft-reprised lists feature thought-provoking inquiries like, “If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?” and “If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?”

In an effort to start a new email circulation craze, I’m submitting this selection of speculative stumpers. Feel free to pay ‘em forward:

* Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

* If a book about failure is bought by a million people, does that make it a success?

* Why don't we ever hear about people being gruntled or combobulated?

* If my car’s out of whack, is it “in whack” once it’s fixed?

* Why are coffin lids nailed shut?

* Why is it you never hear good-looking people say that beauty is only skin-deep?

* Can poisonous snakes poison each other?

* Why doesn't “added bonus” mean you get two bonuses?

* Why does Allstate insurance's disclaimer say “not available in all states”?

* Why does the LONE Ranger have a sidekick?

* If Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his hat and called in “macaroni,” what did he call actual macaroni?

* If the Easter Bunny brings eggs, why don't chickens lay Peeps?

* Why do we tell kids not to take candy from strangers, but take them trick-or-treating?

* How come we say, “Heads up!” when we're warning someone to duck?

* Do English people eat American muffins?

* Why do “uphill battle” and “it was all downhill from there” both mean things are tough?

* Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh just get a “hunny” jar with a bigger opening?

* Speaking of honey, why does it come in plastic bears instead of plastic bees?

* Why aren't male ballet dancers called ballerinos?

* How can a mail-order item be labeled “free” if you have to pay shipping and handling?

* Is there an exception to the rule that there's an exception to every rule?

And finally, a conjectural query from the late George Carlin that would render this list non-existent if it had an answer: “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”