WALKIN’ IN A BURTON WONDERLAND

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Recently, I saw Tim Burton’s through-a-looking-glass-darkly interpretation of Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland,” which even the dimmest single-celled organism knows has raked in about a gajillion dollars since it opened in theaters on March 5.

Though a bit more brightly landscaped than much of his previous work and shot in 2D-converted-to-3D, “Alice” is typical Burton fare: Surreal, whimsically absurdist, artfully cartoonish, and featuring the nepotistic casting of wife Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp, godfather of the Carter-Burtons’ son. (Personal opinion: Adding a third dimension did little to enhance an already visually spectacular film, and I’m not just saying that because my poor depth perception makes 3D movies look like the fuzz on a hookah-smoking caterpillar.)

Some literary purists are all in a dither about Burton taking liberties with the original fairy tale – Corporate negotiations! An action scene with Alice in chain mail! – but many are becoming curiouser and curiouser about the director’s wonky re-imagining.

Most people know the story of Alice falling down the rabbit hole, but how many stop to ponder just HOW twisted a tale this is transmit to tots? “Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,” while written to entertain a preteen friend of Carroll’s, is a strange and hostile-bordering-on-sadistic narrative that’s just as appealing to adults as it is with children.

Adults’ fascination with “Alice,” proven by countless analyses of the story’s psychological underpinnings, prompted me to wonder why Hollywood doesn’t simply make fairy tales for the NC-17 crowd?

To that end, here are some suggestions for fairy tales and nursery rhymes I’d like to see adapted for the big and/or small screen:

* “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: A Study in Polygamy”

* “Narcoleptic Beauty”

* “Free-Range Chicken Little”

* “Addicted to Rogaine: The Rapunzel Story”

* “The Incontinent Duckling”

* “Mrs. Pumpkin Eater, Desperate Housewife”

* “The Tortoise and the Hare's Not-So-Amazing Race”

* “How I Met Your Mother Hubbard”

* “Two and a Half Men in a Tub”

* “Simple Simon Cowell”

* “The Emperor's New Clothes, Portrait of a Metrosexual”

* “Ring Around the Rosie O'Donnell”

* “Jack and Jill Plus Eight”

* “Beauty and the Beast 3: She’s REALLY Out of My League”

* “The Three Little Pigs in a Blanket with a Side of Hash Browns”