CRYING ‘FOUL’ ON TEAMS SPORTING STUPID NAMES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

When it comes to sports, playing is only part of the game. A team’s success also requires some savvy behind-the-scenes folks – managers, promoters, sponsors and so on. That’s why it stymies me that many teams take to the fields, courts, diamonds and ice rinks of America with mind-crushingly stupid names. Apparently, marketers really enjoy a challenge.

Case in point: The Macon Whoopee, a now defunct Macon, Ga., hockey team. Whoever came up with that gem probably pulled a muscle patting himself on the back, but unless you’re a jazz singer or Bob Eubanks, the phrase “Macon Whoopee” should never, ever trip off your tongue. Sources say poor attendance and monetary losses caused the team to fold in 2002, but I suspect they died from the embarrassment of wearing their jerseys in public.

I was baffled last week when I glimpsed about 15.8 seconds of a face-off between the L.A. Kings and the Anaheim Ducks. I’m no hockey expert – the closest I’ve come to the sport is watching a Sarah Palin interview – because I had no idea they dropped “Mighty” from their name almost four years ago. I thought maybe they’d disassociated from Emilio Estevez’s trilogy of cinematic genius in a bid for a less laughable name. You know, because plain ol’ ducks are more serious than mighty ones. They should’ve kept the adjective and traded the bird for something that doesn’t make me think “Daffy.” You know what they say: “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck and jeez, what an idiotic name for a team.”

A team’s name should make opponents hyperventilate and go fetal when they see the season schedule. “Minnesota Vikings” sounds fierce and formidable, while “Houston Texans” sounds like a bored suggestion by someone incredibly lazy. “Pittsburgh Pirates” says, “Arrgh! Surely we shall kill ye!” while “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” says, “Dude, we totally flunked geography.”

A few other pro, college and high school team names that deserve to sit the bench are:

* The Omaha Beef, a pro indoor football (seriously!) organization with a bull mascot named Sir Loin, and female and male dancers called, respectively, The Prime and The Rumproasters. I swear on a stack of T-bones I'm not making this up.

* The Scottsdale (Ariz.) Community College Fighting Artichokes. Nothing says “victory” like an ill-tempered flower-vegetable.

* The St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectic. “Eutectic,” the process of two solids combining to form a liquid is supposedly a metaphor for the school’s combination of athletics and demanding academics. I think it’s really Greek for, “We don’t care about sports because we’ll be cashing big, fat pharmacist paychecks someday, so enjoy your worthless victory, fools!”

* The University of California, Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. They’re coming to slaughter ... your fruit.

And last, but certainly not least, are the unfortunate students of Butte High in Arco, Idaho, where the mascot is … wait for it … a Pirate. For the sake of good sportsmanship, I’ll let that joke write itself.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It's a new year and for many, a new beginning. Yes, it's resolution time, when otherwise sane people declare 2009 the year they will become testaments to willpower, clean living and stick-to-it-tiveness. They'll quit smoking, eat healthy, drink less, and exercise more. They'll finally finish that treehouse they started for Billy in 1990 – with help from Billy, who now has a master's in architecture.

And like last year and the year before, they'll rip up their lists before year's end … or month's end … or the end of this column.

How can you stop the cycle of making and breaking New Year's resolutions? Simple – don't make any! "That's cheating," you say. "If you have no resolutions, you can’t brag about not breaking any!" Yeah, what's your point? I'm taking the easy way out? Don't judge!

OK, fine. If it’ll make you feel better, I'll bite the bullet. I certainly could stand to drop a few pounds and get back to my original weight. But since there's no way I'll ever downsize to 6 pounds, 6 ounces, instead I resolve to do the following:

* Reduce my caffeine consumption, except on special occasions, e.g.: a) My birthday; b) Holidays, including but not limited to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Cinco de Mayo and Groundhog Day; and c) Days of the week ending in "y."

* Walk a mile in others' shoes before criticizing them. That way, if they get mad, they're a mile away. And barefoot.

* Procrastinate less (starting tomorrow). See, the reason so many folks bail on their resolutions is because they set the bar so high even Shaq could limbo under it, which brings us to the first tip in Belinda's Resolutions Everyone's Able to Keep (BREAK):

* Keep it real - Set goals you can reasonably expect to achieve. While "I will lose 50 pounds by the end of the year," is admirable, it’s not pragmatic for some. However, "I will gain 30 pounds, maintain it long enough for people to forget what I once looked like, then lose it, causing everyone to gush about how great I look," is within the realm of possibility.

Now that you've recorded your roster of realistic resolutions, go down the list and summarily cross off all resolutions that:

* You tried before but broke within the first month.

* You made for someone else - your significant other, friends, the mail carrier ... unless it's "Train Sparky to stop attacking people in uniforms," in which case, that's just good lawsuit-avoiding sense.

* Stem from media-induced shame. Those muscleheads were fit and trim BEFORE shooting that Ab-Dominator infomercial.

* Depend upon your mood, the weather, having a good hair day, planetary alignment, etc.

At this point, if you’ve been honest with yourself, you should be looking at a blank sheet of paper. Congratulations! Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna walk to Starbuck’s for a triple espresso. Wearing these shoes I found. Meh … maybe tomorrow.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW REVUE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

This is my last column of 2008, so what better time to look back on some of this year’s highlights (or in some cases, lowlights) in entertainment? And since it's the holiday season, what better way to reflect than in song? Feel free to go door-to-door serenading your neighbors … but don't count on me to be your one phone call from jail.

To the tune of “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”:

It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!
A time to reminisce - who did that, who said this?
Who did we jeer or cheer?
It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!

Britney Spears staged a comeback, while Winehouse smoked more crack
Madonna and Guy called it quits;
She's been seen with A-Rod, who's kind of a big clod,
But at least he's still scoring hits!

It's the flashback-iest season once more!
Looking back at the rich - who got hitched, who got ditched?
Who made ratings soar?
It's the flashback-iest season once more!

The '08 election, lampooned to perfection
By Tina Fey, funny and smart;
Her good-natured nailin' of Governor Palin
Made it hard to tell them apart!

Teenage stars made many headlines this year!
Jamie Lynn caused a stir, parenthood ended her
Disney TV career!
Teenage stars made many headlines this year!

When young Miley went bareback, she caught a ton of flak,
But there was more scandal ahead...
The fans went bananas when Hannah Montana
Took photos that would make your face red!

Oh, the stork worked overtime all this year!
Stars were breeding like bunnies and it sure seems funny:
Twins from there to here!
Yes, the stork worked over time all this year!

Angelina and J-Lo bore double the payload;
Their photos were quite the big scoop!
Ricky Martin had two boys and now he knows the joys
Of livin' la vida de poop!

'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true:
Katy P kissed a chick - and she really liked it;
Lindsay Lohan, did too!
'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true!

Then Clay Aiken came out (like there was any doubt),
Ellen wed Portia at their posh pad;
Major Sulu's big trip wasn't on a spaceship,
But down the aisle with his beau Brad!

Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year:
Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac and Paul Newman - it's fact:
We wish they were still here!
Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year.

To Heath Ledger: Goodbye, you were too young to die;
Farewell, Carlin, your humor lives on!
Other people of fame - there's too many to name
Laugh with you in The Great Beyond!

There'll be more headlines and footnotes next year!
First, a new Head of State ... "High School Musical" eight?
Yes, the forecast is clear …
There'll be more high jinks and low points next year!

STUPID IS AS STUPID DUHS

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

There are no stupid questions. At least that’s what our parents assured us as children. But like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and “Your face is gonna freeze that way,” it was just another of those little white lies adults tell kids because harmless fibs are cheaper than the therapy we’d need after being called stupid.

If you believe there are no stupid questions, just turn on the radio. Recently, I was rocking out to The Clash – "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble, if I go it will be double" – a song I’d heard countless times in the past 20-plus years, but never deeply contemplated. Let’s see … staying = an indeterminate amount of trouble, while going = even more trouble. That’s like saying, "If I stay, my girlfriend will burn my clothes, but if I go, she’ll burn my clothes with me IN them." Given the options, this seems like a no-brainer. (P.S. He ultimately left her, lived to tell and scored a No. 1 hit in the process.)

It doesn’t matter if you dig classic rock, Top 40, R&B, country or post-nuclear techno-cabaret, insipid inquiries transcend genre and generation. For instance:

* "The Way I Are," Timbaland: "Can you handle me the way I are?" – Does he have multiple personalities or just bad grammar? Either way, I can’t handle this song the way it am.

* "On the Bus," Destiny's Child featuring Timbaland: "Why you sleepin' with ya eyes closed?" – Probably because I’m not a goldfish.

* "Earth Song," Michael Jackson: "What about elephants, have we lost their trust?" – I reckon that depends on what the elephants have heard from the pre-teen boys, Mike.

* "Pinball Wizard," (The Who): "How do you think he does it? I don’t know!" – In the verse and chorus preceding this line, it is explained that the Pinball Wizard "does it" by intuition and sense of smell, not to mention he’s got such a supple wrist and crazy flipper fingers. Pete Townshend presented the answer before the question, which is fine … if you’re playing "Jeopardy."

* "Sk8tr Boi," Avril Lavigne: "He was a boy, she was a girl … can I make it any more obvious?" – A pointless question, as gender differences are usually obvious to begin with. But apparently, Avril felt the need to elaborate and continued singing for more than three minutes. Had she realized the folly of her query, the song would have ended after that opening line – a monumental improvement, in my opinion.

* "Hero," Enrique Iglesias: "Would you tremble if I touched your lips?" – Tremble? No. Feel incredibly creeped out and in immediate need of lip sanitizer? You bet.

* "You Really Want to Hurt Me?," Culture Club: "Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" – Oh, Boy George … can I make it any more obvious?

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE TECH-MAS!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

'Tis a month before Christmas; our wallets are thin;
Still, we venture forth holiday shopping again.
The economy stinks, but the little ones beg
For toys that will cost us an arm and a leg!

In our day, we marveled at dump trucks and dolls,
Cassette players, tea sets and spongy Nerf balls.
If we ran out of batteries, we weren’t defeated –
Our imaginations were all that we needed

But now the Technology Age has arrived,
When a kid with no iPod's considered deprived!
Today's plugged-in kids, our old-fashioned toys bore 'em
'Cause too many gadgets do their thinking for 'em!

So onward we traipse, as if marching to war,
To elbow our way through some crowded toy store.
For the item that's one of this year's biggest choices:
Creatures that respond to their masters’ voices.

There's D-Rex the dinosaur, Biscuit the pup
And Wall-E the robot – they're grabbing 'em up!
It's a kid's fondest power-trip dream that's come true –
Finally, someone they can tell what to do!

Yet another new Elmo has set sales a-boomin';
It's creepy how he becomes more and more human!
Now he plays games, tells stories and blows flying kisses
If he wants to impress ME, he'll wash all my dishes!

Parents practically need to enlist a translator
To decipher the code spoken by their teenager:
"IDK if want a DS or a Wii
"Or a PS2 Silver or PS3 80GB."

Is he babbling in tongues? Is he speaking in Greek?
What are these strange acronyms of which he speaks?
Rolling his eyes, the kid deigns to assist them,
"OMG, Mom and Dad, it's a gaming system!"

And lest Hannah Montana should put her to shame,
Even trusty old Barbie has video games!
She's gotta keep up with the Joneses – and Jonases;
So she offers a sleigh-load of electronic bonuses!

But don't be disheartened by technology's sway;
Introduce kids to stuff we loved back in the day.
All the classic playthings from the Toy Hall of Fame –
Off the top of my head, here's a few I can name:

There's Lite-Brite! There's Slinky!
There's Tonkas and Play-Doh!
ViewMaster and Twister!
And Big Wheels and Lego!
To the top of the shelves!
To the stores and the malls!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!

Getting back to the basics can save you some dough
In these hardscrabble times when finances are low.
If your kids bellyache, bellow, bluster and bawl,
Remind them of those who'll get nothing at all!

TALKIN' TURKEY ABOUT MOVIES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Thanksgiving is treated by many as an appetizer for Christmas – it stimulates the palate in preparation for the main course. It's the opening act for the headliner, the preview before the feature film. If Christmas were Hall, Thanksgiving would be Oates.

But in my book, Thanksgiving is the best holiday, despite the absence of Thanksgiving presents under a Thanksgiving tree, Thanksgiving carols and Thanksgiving stockings. And where are all the Thanksgiving movies? Oh, they're out there – you just gotta search for ‘em. Which is exactly what I did, and my research turned up a surprising number of treasures (and a few turkeys).

If you don’t want to sit through NFL hell and Uncle Jack’s 847th reenactment of his winning touchdown at the 1968 state championship, check out these vintage videos while you digest your vittles:

* “Hannah and Her Sisters”: I'm not a huge Woody Allen fan, but if I had to choose between this 1986 comedy-drama and say, a Pauly Shore flick, I'd pick the Wood-Man over the Weasel. Unless "Encino Man" is showing, then all bets are off. But seriously, this is one of Woody's best. The stellar cast includes Mia Farrow, Dianne Wiest and Barbara Hershey in a story that begins with one Thanksgiving and ends with another. It's funny, clever, heartwarming and all those other things a holiday movie about family should be. And I'm pretty sure it's Allen’s only film featuring both his mate at the time (Farrow) and his future wife, Farrow's daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, then a teenager in an uncredited role.

* “Home For The Holidays”: Director Jodie Foster's sophomore outing perfectly captures the essence of family: People who love each other, but don't always necessarily like each other. Stars include Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, Charles Durning, Robert Downey Jr. and Claire Danes.

* "The House of Yes": This 1997 film adaptation of Wendy MacLeod's long-running play offers a bit of dark meat to offset the lighter fare. The daughter of a clan obsessed with the Kennedys, Jackie-O (Parker Posey) reenacts the presidential assassination with her twin brother at their Thanksgiving reunion. Look for Tori Spelling in a very out-of-character role.

* “Planes, Trains, & Automobiles”: If the dysfunctional family theme is too big a buzzkill, you can count on this John Hughes classic to brighten the mood. All Steve Martin wants is to spend Thanksgiving with his family. What he gets is three days with a turkey – John Candy as an obnoxious salesman.

* “What's Cooking?”: Four families of different ethnicities – African-American, Jewish, Latino and Vietnamese – get together for the holiday. Guaranteed to make you hungry for seconds! The ensemble cast includes Alfre Woodard and Lainie Kazan.

* For the giblets – er, kidlets, there’s Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Thanksgiving Celebration,” 1969’s “Mouse on the Mayflower” and “A Rugrats Thanksgiving.

* And no cinematic smorgasbord would be complete without the Emmy-winning “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” in which the Peanuts Gang gathers for roast bird – and Woodstock is thankful it’s not him.

LOVE AT FIRST BITE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Millions of readers have entered the “Twilight” Zone. Not the one inhabited by Rod Serling and the otherworldly "doo-doo-doo-doo" theme song, but a world created by novelist Stephenie Meyer, in which a boy named Edward Cullen is so besotted with a girl named Bella Swan that it’s all he can do to keep from killing her.

Not that Bella would mind Edward taking aim at her jugular – the result would level the playing field considerably. You see, Edward is a vampire, while Bella is not.

Though targeted at young adults, “Twilight” and its sequels, “New Moon,” “Eclipse,” and
“Breaking Dawn” are ridiculously popular among readers of all ages, including yours truly. The series has spent a combined 160-plus weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list and the big-screen debut of “Twilight” is set to hit theaters next month.

Meyer’s vampires aren’t the bloodsuckers of lore – they never sleep, they’re visible in the daytime, and they won’t throw a hissy fit if you sprinkle a little garlic on your pasta. In fact, Edward and his family are more protectors than predators of humans, preferring to hunt woodland creatures than two-legged ones. Aside from their stunning physical beauty and vamp-specific powers, they’re startlingly human…ish.

As much as I adore this new, romantic breed of vampire, I also love the campy vamps of yesteryear – capes, fangs, bat-morphing and all. Whether you’re from the old school or the new guard, one thing’s for sure: It’s not an easy life. If it’s not that #$%* Buffy trying to slay you all the time, it’s wicked morning breath and bloodstained teeth. What vampires save on food and drink, they spend on whitening strips. And you think bed-hair is a pain? Try pulling a comb through coffin-hair!

Sure, immortality might sound cool, but do you REALLY want to be around for “High School Musical 54: The Reunion – Let’s See Who Got Super-Fat”?

On the flip side, there are a few advantages to being a vampire:

* You raise “sleeping in” to a fine art.
* You’ll never need Botox or plastic surgery.
* No worries about health insurance.
* You don’t have to get a job.
* No grocery bills.
* Lightning speed that makes Superman look like Supersnail.
* Slim chance you’ll ever get food poisoning.
* No soul, no guilt!
* So what if you don’t cast a reflection in the mirror? You always look marvelous.
* You don’t have to worry about Daylight Savings Time.
* No need to kill your enemies … just outlive them.
* A 20-year prison sentence feels like 20 days.
* Bloody Mary night at the local bar.
* Your clothes will come back in style over and over … and over.

And last but not least, one of the best things about being a vampire is when someone says, “You suck!” you can take it as a compliment.