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BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
For 26 years, PNC Wealth Management of Pittsburgh has entertained and educated bankers, brokers, students and shoppers alike with its annual "Christmas Price Index,” a cost assessment of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" if purchased at current prices. According to the latest tabulation, the whole kit and caboodle would run you $87,403 – up $800 from last year.
If you’re like me (translation: as broke as a sailor after three days ashore), there’s no way you could finance even a fraction of that figure, and besides, where ya gonna find a single maid a-milking, let alone eight? And unless those hens are wearing tiny berets and clucking “Frère Jacques,” how can you really be sure they’re French?
There are many less expensive, easier-to-obtain alternatives to the presents listed in the holiday tune. Compare the costs of these substitute gifts to the price tags on their traditional counterparts, and if your true love isn’t overjoyed by your offerings, your wallet will be.
* Traditional gift: A partridge in a pear tree - $159.99
* Cheaper alternative: Green parakeet - $21.99 at Petsmart, plus two pounds of juicy pear Jelly Belly beans from Amazon.com - $15. (Feeding Jelly Bellies to parakeet not recommended.)
* Traditional: Two turtle doves - $55.98
* Alternative: Two Dove Chocolate turtle martinis – After tossing back a couple of these, you won’t care about the cost.
* Traditional: Three French hens - $45
* Alternative: Three French hams - $27 (IdealCheese.com). Let’s face it, those hens are destined for the soup pot, anyway, so why not buy your food already dead?
* Traditional: Four calling birds - $599.96
* Alternative: Four bird callers - $13.48 (Amazon.com). Not for use during wabbit-huntin’ season.
* Traditional: Five golden rings - $499.95
* Alternative: Five rolls of Butter Rum Lifesavers – Candyfavorites.com offers a 20-roll box for $17.41.
* Traditional: Six geese a-laying - $150
* Alternative: “The Harlem Globetrotters: Six Decades of Magic” on VHS. Features early ‘trotter Reese "Goose" Tatum, possibly doing lay-ups, $1.99 (Amazon.com)
* Traditional: Seven swans a-swimming - $52.50
* Alternative: Seven scoops of Schwan's ice cream a-swimming in the syrup of your choice - $5 to $6 per half-gallon at various stores. Bonus: It’s easier to clean up than swan poop.
* Traditional: Eight maids a-milking - $58
* Alternative: “Watersing” by The Singing Milkmaids, $15 at CDBaby.com. Who can forget such hits as “My Johnny was a Shoemaker” and “Cheese and Curds and Whey”?
* Traditional: Nine ladies dancing - $5,473.07
* Alternative: Numerous ladies dancing at assorted “adult” establishments around town – Cover charge plus dollar bills for G-string-stuffing.
* Traditional: Ten lords a-leaping - $4,413.61
* Alternative: “The Michael Flatley Collection,” three two-sided DVDs featuring “The Lord of the Dance” for the low, low price of $18.99 at Amazon.com.
* Traditional: Eleven pipers piping - $2,284.80
* Alternative: Amazon’s entire stock of Zamfir's "Pipe Dreams" - $75.90. Hey, somebody’s gotta buy ‘em.
* Traditional: Twelve drummers drumming - $2,475.20
* Alternative: One out-of-work garage-band drummer – Fifty bucks, all the eggnog he can drink, plus he gets to crash on your couch for two weeks.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
In this age of cookie-cutter programming, with hundreds of channels spewing no-resemblance-to-reality shows, Very Special Episodes and so-you-think-you-can-marry-a-dancing-millionaire-cougar contests, there’s little to nothing groundbreaking on the tube.
Shhh! Don’t tell The Powers That Be at CBS, who think they’ve mined comedy gold with the idea to base a show on the popular Twitter account of an out-of-work California writer.
After unemployment forced him to move in with his parents, Justin Halpern created the site to chronicle his 73-year-old father’s insults, tirades and pontifications. Example: “Oh, please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”
Be warned before you Google the Twitter page: The elder Halpern’s proclamations aren’t usually as tame as the above quote; most are generously laced with profanity. In fact, the title of Halpern’s site includes a four-letter synonym for bodily waste that’s not fit for this family publication. Let’s just call it “Stuff My Dad Says” – “SMDS” for short.
In a victory for basement-dwellers everywhere, Halpern has become an Internet sensation, garnering 700,000 (and counting) followers, scoring a book deal with HarperCollins, and then landing an offer to co-write a sitcom inspired by “SMDS.”
CBS execs are twitterpated over this “new” idea, but they can’t slap a fresh coat of paint on a rundown shack and convince me it’s the Taj Mahal.
The concept of a crotchety geezer who berates and belittles everyone and everything under the sun? Gosh, I loved this show when I was 8 and it was called “All in the Family.”
Long before social networks, TV networks deluged us with dour, disgruntled dads. Here’s a half-dozen of my personal faves:
Archie Bunker, “All in the Family”
Family: Wife Edith, “little girl” Gloria, son-in-law Mike Stivic
Trademarks: Shabby armchair; penchant for slandering and stereotyping those of races, ethnicities, religions, etc., other than his own – and somehow, he made it funny.
Quotes: “Aw, geez!” “Dingbat!” “You are a Meathead!” “Shut … up … you!”
Fred Sanford, “Sanford and Son”
Family: Son Lamont; sister-in-law Aunt Esther, best friends Grady and Bubba
Trademarks: Junkyard; raggedy pickup; ratty beard; suspenders and plaid shirt
Quotes: “Shut up, dummy!” “It’s The Big One! I’m comin’ to join you, Elizabeth!”
Red Forman, “That '70s Show”
Family: Wife Kitty, daughter Laurie, son Eric
Trademarks: Permanently furrowed brow; narrow-eyed scowl
Quote: “Dumbass!”
Martin Crane, “Frasier”
Family: Sons Frasier and Niles, both psychologists; live-in physical therapist Daphne Moon
Trademarks: Threadbare armchair; cane; Jack Russell terrier named Eddie
Quote: “I did … then we had Niles.” – In response to Frasier asking if he believed in second chances.
Frank Costanza, “Seinfeld”
Family: Wife Estelle, son George
Trademarks: Incessant bellowing; man-boobs
Quotes: “You want a piece of me? YOU GOT IT!” “My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.”
Al Bundy, “Married … with Children”
Family: Wife Peggy, daughter Kelly, Son Bud
Trademarks: Beleaguered expression; Sans-a-Belt trousers with hand in waistband
Quote: “Peg, kids, get ready to torture me – I'm home.”
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
'Tis a month before Christmas and all through the U.S.,
The economy's left our finances a mess.
We're hocking our gold, from our jewels to our teeth
To buy a big tree decked with gifts underneath.
The children are nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of PlayStations dance in their heads.
As Mom and Dad over the checkbook conspire
To somehow fulfill all their Christmas desires.
Their MasterCard's maxed out, they save every dime;
They're grateful for jobs that they work overtime.
For the Christmas they knew in their own younger days
Has swapped Elmo for Rudolph and scooters for sleighs!
The sales pitches start up 'round All Hallow's Eve:
Commercials and print ads, without a reprieve!
For Barbie dolls, digi-cams, Nerf toys and VTechs,
Buzz Lightyear and Clone Wars, Transformers and Mindflex!
The kiddies make lists filled with treasures assorted
While Mom and Dad wonder, "How can we afford it?"
But somehow they manage as most parents do,
To spin silk from a sow's ear and make dreams come true.
They start shopping in summer - sometimes early as May;
They stockpile the lay-bys and pray they can pay.
They seek bargains and deals, searching high and low places:
Flea markets and yard sales, Craigslist in some cases!
It's the deep, heartfelt wish of each mom and each dad
To provide their dear children with more than they had.
From schooling to housing to everyday joys
Like cell phones, chic clothing, and gadgets and toys.
But lately, most purse strings are pulled rather taut,
And parents can't buy all the things they once bought.
For schooling and housing trump gadgets and toys
And cell phones won't feed or clothe young girls and boys!
Some children will haul in as much as last year
While others will open a gift there and here.
Still others will wake up upon Christmas morn –
Not a thing to unwrap 'neath a tree so forlorn.
Yet many will nonetheless praise and give thanks
That their hearts are more full than their wallets and banks.
Rejoice in the moment, not in yuletides of yore
For the present's a gift that’s not sold in a store.
If there is one good thing to come from this recession,
It's that many are learning an important lesson:
Getting presents on Christmas is fun, there's no doubt,
But that's not what the day is really about.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away and I’m already dreading the weeks of leftover turkey. I’m not just talking about resurrecting the remnants as sandwiches, casseroles, soups and salads.
No, in years past, I’ve gotten so creative in my attempts to disguise the remains of the day that I’m pretty much to turkey what Bubba of “Forrest Gump” is to shrimp. There’s turkey lasagna, turkey quesadillas, turkey jerky tacos, chili con turkey, turkey kabobs, turkey gumbo, pan-fried turkey, deep-fried turkey, stir-fried turkey, pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey, pepper tur … well, you get the point.
This year, I’m heading Tom Turkey off at the pass, before he even makes his way to Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I probably won’t reach Farmer Brown before he swings the ax – or whatever undoubtedly gross and gory manner in which the bird is dispatched. Hey, turkey, I don’t know your life; I was almost 10 years old when I learned that you weren’t raised in shrink-wrapped Styrofoam at the deli counter.
Anyway, in the event that I arrive to find ol’ Tom already gone to that Great Turkey Shoot in the Sky, I’ll still honor his remains, just not at my table. Join me in flipping the bird into something new and unusual by consulting my Top 20 Uses for a Dead Turkey:
20. Fancy-schmancy mop … take that, Swiffer!
19. Not-very-effective pool floatie
18. Handy, dandy back-scratcher
17. Makeshift marshmallow roaster
16. Modern-art table lamp
15. When placed at the base of a door, makes a festive draft-blocker
14. New-fangled bagpipes
13. Decorative candlestick
12. Tetherball, anyone?
11. Louisville Gobbler baseball bat
10. High-fashion, hipster headwear that’ll make all those coonskin
cap-wearing dweebs go greener than a seasick leprechaun
9. A couple of snips, throw in a zip and voila! An avant-garde handbag!
8. Nifty feather duster that will give your furniture a delicious golden glaze
7. Guest co-host on "The View" to make Sherri Shepherd look like eloquent genius
6. Tie two together by their necks … instant numchucks!
5. Mullet-like toupee – feathered in the front, giblets in the back!
4. "Discover" dead turkey in your Quarter Pounder, sue the pants off Ronald McDonald.
3. Très chic replacements for those tacky pink flamingos in your front yard
2. Four words: Dead Turkey Puppet Theatre!
And last, but certainly not least:
1. Isn't it about time fruitcake had some meat in it?
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
In the wake of my last column, a friend took umbrage at my inclusion of "It is what it is" in a list of words and phrases that should be banned from the English language. "Some things defy explanation," she said, in defense of the aforementioned term. One need only to look at the phenomena of Kim Kardashian’s fame and women attracted to Jon Gosselin to know that this is true.
When I declared a moratorium on "It is what it is," perhaps I should have noted that I am as guilty as the next gal of spouting that throwaway phrase now and again on those occasions when my vocabulary is feeling not-so-fresh. In fact, were I to do away with my own stock of oft-uttered expressions, this column would be little more than a handy space for doodling. What one linguist calls overused and irritating, I call "the cornerstones of my biweekly babbling."
So, in the name of increasing my word power, I hereby vow to (make a halfhearted attempt to) abstain from (or at least slightly reduce) the use of the following terminology (except when I really and truly need to):
* "Meh" – It’s less obnoxious than the ubiquitous teenspeak staple, "Whatever," and nicer than, "Your opinion is as meaningless as Kim Kardashian."
* "PWNED" – Derived from "owned," meaning to conquer, it should only be used if you are 12 years old and playing Halo online while wearing headgear and watching "Naruto."
* "Full of win" – Victorious, excellent or otherwise superlative. Example: "Stephenie Meyer’s ‘Twilight’ series is full of win." In addition to being blatantly false, saying this will make you sound like you’re full of something else.
* "Conversate" – Please orientate yourself with a dictionary so you can learn that the proper way to pronunciate this word is "converse."
* "Not so much" – And yet it’s uttered TOO much.
* "Cool beans" – This is ranks up there with "the bee’s knees," "the cat’s meow/pajamas" and "easy peasy lemon squeezy" on the list of Things You Should Not Say Unless You’re Old Enough To Tell Stories About The Depression.
* "Carbon footprint" – Mine’s a size 5, so how environmentally destructive could it be? Kim Kardashian’s buttprint, on the other hand …
* "Weak sauce" – That’s enough, Guy-Dude-Bro.
* Combined celebrity names – Brangelina, TomKat and Bennifer are bad enough, but if this asinine amalgamation continues, we could end up with Madonna + Simon Cowell = MadCow.
* "Pop" – As in, "That red blouse really makes your auburn highlights pop!" Save this one as slang for soda or a nickname for your dad.
And last, but certainly not least:
* "I threw up in my mouth a little" – Enough with the figurative regurgitation, people! How about upchucking this term from your lexicon? (Those suffering from acid reflux are exempt.)
If I hear this expression one more time, I swear I’m gonna gag someone with a spoon.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Recently, “Saturday Night Live” newbie Jenny Slate commited the faux pas of uttering one of George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.” Keep in mind that the list was issued before we had eleventy-zillion cable channels where you now can hear all seven words terms and many more colorful ones that have since been coined. The expletive in question was none of the euphemisms for bodily waste or anatomical parts, or the one describing, um, an act of … uh … intimacy between … er … well, just don’t do it, OK?
This four-letter word is used as a verb, noun or adjective, often in exclamation and/or imperative form, and was deemed in the movie “A Christmas Story” as “the granddaddy of all swear words.” That’s right, Slate dropped the “eff-dash-dash-dash” bomb during the sketch “Biker Chick Chat.” Only those in the Eastern Time Zone heard the slip-up, since NBC quickly restored it to the intended “freakin’” for western zones.
Since the incident, online comments have ranged from, “People are so uptight! It’s just a word,” to “It should be banned from the English language.” Oh, if only that were possible! If I legislated lexiconography, the overused, misused and useless terminology I’d banish – if not from the language altogether, at least from common usage – would fill a dictionary.
“Cougar” tops my list. Why are women of a certain age likened to a beast of prey because they enjoy the company of younger men? If you don’t think that’s sexist, tell me the comparable term for older men who date younger women? The only one I can think of “lucky S.O.B.”
Next up: “ATM machine.” The “M” stands for machine, so unless you’re talking about the gadget that repairs an ATM, stick to the acronym or call it by its technical name: Cash spitter-outer.
Last year’s presidential campaign spawned several words and phrases I could without hearing again, like “pit bull,” “hockey mom” and “new change.” What other kind of change is there? And I don’t want to hear anyone dubbed “maverick” except James Garner, circa 1960.
I’d also outlaw:
“It is what it is” – Unless you’re Bill Clinton, in which case, it depends on what your definition of “is” is.
“(Insert noun) is the new black” – So what does that make the OLD black?
“Best-kept secret” – How well-kept is it if you’re telling me?
“Sick” as a synonym for “cool,” “amazing,” etc. – You might think you sound cool and amazing, but you’re making me sick – and that’s a synonym for “ill” and “nauseated.”
“Past history” – This redundant phrase is like repeating the same, exact thing twice.
“With all due respect” – Translation: “I don’t really respect you, so it’s fitting that I’m about to say something disrespectful.”
“Downsizing” – Dressing it up doesn't make the folks on the receiving end feel any better. Ditch this word and call it what it is - firing. Unless you’re referring to weight loss. In that case, it is what it is.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
A reader with whom I correspond regularly has started sending me getting-to-know-you questions; I’m not sure whether to be flattered or put a restraining order on hold for future use. Is this just an average Joe/Joanne who merely enjoys my writing and wonders what makes such a twisted mind tick? Or will I wake up one morning shackled to my bed by a sledgehammer-wielding stranger who claims to be my biggest fan?
I jest. This reader has confessed to being a fan, but not in a kidnapped-and-hobbled, Kathy Bates kinda way. Her questions range from whimsical – “Would you rather fly every time you pass gas or wet your pants every time you laugh?” – to sensible – “If you went back to school, what would you study?” The beautiful thing is that I can respond however I choose – poem form or pig-Latin or straightforwardly; there are no wrong answers.
I answered her latest query, “Why did you become a writer?” with this laundry list of coulda-been professions:
* I considered becoming a ballet dancer, but I couldn't pass the barre exam.
* I tried pro golf, but my performance was below par.
* So I switched to bowling. It wasn’t up my alley.
* I worked as a dolphin trainer, but there was something fishy about my boss (an ex-Marine), so I got fired on porpoise.
* I tried being a wedding photographer, but I got tired of waiting for my prints to come.
* I studied dentistry, but I couldn't sink my teeth into it.
* I worked as a bank teller, but I didn’t have much interest.
* I went into archaeology, but I didn't dig it.
* I went into carpentry, but it board me to tears because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.
* My tenure as a janitor wasn't a sweeping success, either.
* I wanted to join NASA's astronaut program, but the requirements were out of this world.
* I applied to be a nanny, but the job came with too many little problems.
* I tried my hand as a Las Vegas dealer, but it just wasn't in the cards.
* I got hired at a brewery and had high hops that this was my true calling, but I could barley stand it.
* I was a clerk in a cheese shop, but I was no Gouda at it, so I Bleu it off.
* I thought about applying to beauty school, but I couldn't makeup my mind and missed the deadline.
* I was a mail carrier, but thankfully, I was delivered from that post.
* I joined the police force, but I copped an attitude with the chief and he refused to give me another shot.
* I took a job as an elevator operator. It had its ups and downs.
* I toyed with the idea of being an Egyptologist, but that's ancient history.
So, with all other options exhausted, I went into journalism, where I’ve been told I have the write stuff. It hasn’t brought me fame and fortune, but it’s kept me in the headlines.
