Friday, July 14, 2006

Doo-Wah Diddy Diddy DUMB

Why Diddy do it … again?
His mother gave him a perfectly nice name, but apparently, Sean John Combs just doesn’t carry enough street cred. I could see if he’d been born, say, Marshall Mathers – Eminem was wise to veer away from a name that screams, "I’m the kid who smells like cat food and sits in the back of the class eating paste."
But I reckon "Sean" is not a handle befitting the über-cool of a hip-hop and fashion impresario. A man like Mr. Combs needs to "maintain his sexy," as he proclaims in his infomercial for ProActiv acne solution. And so, Sean Combs was compelled to fell back on his high school nickname, Puffy. Which is a fine name if you’re: a) A big, bad wolf threatening three little pigs with your amazing lung power; b) Sporting one helluva circa-1973 Jackson Five afro; or c) A woman in the throes of PMS.
Puffy gave way to Puff Daddy – heaven forbid we confuse him with the other members of the Puff family – Puff Mama, Puff Granny and Puff Cousin-Once-Removed. Just when we’d gotten used to that moniker, he pulled the fast-change again in 2003, dubbing himself P. Diddy.
Then, deciding he "needed to simplify things," he 86’ed the P. and became plain ol’ Diddy – "One word. Five letters. Period." Like Oprah, Sting or Usher. Except I don’t have to wonder what Oprah, Sting and Usher will be answering to next week.
"Nobody knew what to call me," Diddy said last August. "People were uncomfortable when I'd meet them for the first time … they'd ask me what they should call me."
Call me crazy, but could that be because … oh, I don’t know … you keep changing your name?!
Now, after less than a year of Diddy-hood, he’s gone and done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my dubious pleasure to introduce you to … The Puff. Yeah, I know. This is … The Ridiculous.
The Puff – or as I like to call him, "The Artist Formerly Known As Puffy Formerly Known as Puff Daddy Formerly Known as P. Diddy Formerly Known as Diddy," is reincarnating as such an exponential rate that soon, he’ll have more personalities than Sybil.
Next thing ya know, he’ll re-christen himself as P. Diddle Diddle and introduce us to his latest protégé, The Cat and the Fiddle. Being of an entrepreneurial bent, he could market a nutritious chocolate drink and rename himself Cocoa Puff. Those who prefer their beverages in just-add-water form could enjoy a similar libation sold by Powder Puff! Personally, I’m looking forward to the day he does a stint on Sesame Street as Puff, the Magic Rapper.
It’s anybody’s guess as to what The Puff will be calling himself by the time this goes to print, but I have a suggestion. One word, two letters. Just drop "The," as well as the two f’s and you have the perfect name: P.U. ‘Cos frankly, Mr. Puffy Puff Diddy Daddy, all this name-changing business STINKS.