BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
You can’t turn on the TV, radio or computer without being assaulted by celebrity endorsements. They scream at you from billboards, store displays and magazine stands. Celebrity branding’s nothing new, but have you ever wondered how stars decide which products to put their names on?
Did Paul Newman have a run-in with some rancid ranch dressing and decide he could do better? Was Suzanne Somers watching “Three’s Company” reruns and thought, “I dunno what I was thinking when I wore that side ponytail, but boy, my thighs looked great!” Perhaps Jimmy Dean was scarfing down a corndog when it struck him that meat on a stick would taste even better with a pancake wrapped around it.
Why do certain stars shill certain wares? Maybe it’s a career move or a publicity ploy. Maybe they truly love the product and want us to know how great it is. Certainly, some do it because they need the money, but many do it even though they don’t.
From Newman’s Own dressings and Somers’ ThighMaster to Jimmy Dean foods and the Foreman Grill, celebrity-stamped products have woven their way into the fabric of everyday life. Sometimes the endorsements make sense, like Michael Jordan for Nike. Athletes wear sneakers – simple enough. But sometimes it’s a stretch connecting the celebrity to the product, like Michael Jordan cologne. While I trust His Airness to tell me which kicks have the best traction, I’m more dubious about his knowledge of botanic chemistry. His cologne won’t make me 6’6” or give me mad b-ball skills, so I can only conclude it’ll make me smell like him. I’ve seen the guy in action and he sweats. A LOT. Thanks, but I can manufacture my own stink for free.
Of course, Mike’s not the only one to endorse a scent bearing his name. Fragrance fever has infected stars including Elizabeth Taylor, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Prince, Cher, J-Lo, Beyoncé, Michael Jackson, KISS, Mariah Carey, Hilary Duff, the Olsen twins, Joan Rivers, Paris Hilton, Derek Jeter and even fictional characters like Barbie, Spiderman, Austin Powers and Avril Lavigne, who describes her new Black Star perfume as “me in a bottle,” so you’ll need to buy a spit-shield before spritzing it on.
Why should I trust uncredentialed non-experts to tell me what to wear, eat or drive? If I want a healthy dessert, I’ll ask a nutritionist, not Sylvester Stallone, though I’m sure his high-protein pudding is quite delicious. Samsonite’s been making suitcases for almost a century, so why do I need Jessica Simpson’s new luggage? If you ask me, the girl has enough baggage already.
I do, however, have faith in Danny DeVito, who’s hawking something called Premium Limoncello, which is not a fine stringed instrument but an Italian liqueur. In fact, it’s what he’d been imbibing before appearing on “The View” in a rather juiced-up state. Any man with enough sense to tie one on before facing that flock of cackling hens is a man I can trust.
