Friday, January 29, 2010



Bill Cosby said it in 2004: “People with their hat on backwards, pants down around the crack. Isn’t that a sign of something or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up?”

Four years later, then-presidential candidate Barack Obama put it in more straightforward terms: “Brothers should pull up their pants. You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What’s wrong with that? Come on.”

On Jan. 13, “General” Larry Platt turned the admonishment into a chant: “Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground!” Many laughed at the 62-year-old civil rights and community activist’s audition on “American Idol,” but the response he is getting is no joke.

“Pants on the Ground,” a rhythmic, atonal fashion critique, has already spawned several cover versions and is being called the Internet's first viral hit of the new decade. Simon Cowell may not have given Platt the green light, but in less than a week, more than 2 million Facebook and YouTube fans certainly did.

Now it’s my turn to throw my hat in the ring with a ditty of my own. Set to the tune of the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” – more recently popularized by Young Jibbs’ as “Does Your Chain Hang Low?” – I give you, “Do Your Pants Hang Low?”

Do your pants hang low?
Do they let your undies show?
Do they make you trip and fall?
Do they make you shuffle slow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your back
Like a giant knapsack?
Do your pants hang low?

Do your pants hang loose?
Do they expose your caboose?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a noose?
If you tuck 'em in your boots
Will they float like parachutes?
Do your pants hang loose?

Do your pants hang down?
Make you look like such a clown?
Is your backside bared
Like a sideways frown?
With one hand you grope
Lookin' like a major dope
Do your pants hang down?

Do your blue jeans sag?
All along the floor they drag
Do they flap in the wind?
Can you fly 'em like a flag?
With your pants below your waist
You're the picture of bad taste!
Do your blue jeans sag?

Are your slacks too slack?
Too revealing in the back?
Do you give new meaning to
Do you even own a belt
Leather, cloth or made of felt?
Are your slacks too slack?

Pull your pants up, please!
Stop 'em flappin' in the breeze!
Do you think you're really cool
Showing off your BVD's?
No one wants to be privy
To the sight of your new skivvies
Pull your pants up, please!

Friday, January 15, 2010



As the clock struck midnight two weeks ago, legions of self-improvers crushed out their last smokes, took a final swig of champagne, and with gimlet-eyed determination, resolved to leave their vices behind. Others pledged to lose weight, spend more time with loved ones, get out of debt, and made countless other resolutions to upgrade themselves to New And Improved Human 2.0.

Not this girl. As I lay on my sofa, eating chips, watching the ball drop in Times Square on the big-screen television Santa (translation: my mom) gave me, and texting a friend who was laying on her sofa, eating chips and vicariously partying in Times Square with me, I resolved to do three things: Grab a blanket, snag some salsa for my chips, and channel-surf.

I kept my resolutions, but I know several people who have torn their vows asunder just 15 days into the new year. The secret to my success? Anti-resolutions. By declaring the endeavors I refuse to undertake in the next 12 months (unless doctor- or court-ordered), I’m guaranteed victory. So, in 2010, I resolve NOT to:

* Quit drinking. I don’t drink that much to begin with, so what's a glass or two? Every half hour. And the glass is shaped like a bottle.

* Quit smoking. Nobody likes a quitter and besides, I'm good at it. So don't be surprised if you see me simultaneously smoking a cigarette, a cigar and a ham or two.

* Tell the truth about my age. Actually, I plan to say I'm older than I am, so people will gush, "Wow, you look great!"

* Floss more. I already do it religiously – every Easter and Christmas.

* Watch any movie described by friends and/or family as "hilarious, the funniest thing I've ever seen!" I'm talking to you, "The Hangover." You were sporadically chuckle-worthy (just my opinion), but I laughed harder at the Portuguese translation of your title: "When You Drink, Don't Get Married."

* Spend an entire Saturday in my pj’s in front of the computer. After all, that new big-screen TV ain’t gonna watch itself.

* Keep using the same lame excuses for missing work, skipping the weddings of people I don't want to buy gifts, forgetting birthdays, etc. Instead, I'll think of new excuses.

* Be put on hold. When the person on the other end of the phone asks, "Will you hold, please?" he/she is clearly stating that I have a choice in the matter.

And since we're talking about phone etiquette, I resolve never again to sit through windy telemarketers' sales pitches, unable to get a word in edgewise, only to tell them in the end, "Thanks, not interested." Henceforth, I will interrupt the hucksters mid-spiel and ask for THEIR numbers so I can call back when it's most inconvenient for THEM.

Some of these resolutions are in jest; others are as serious as a German film festival. My philosophy is: Why write about stuff I'm going to do, then not do it when I can do stuff, then write about it?

Saturday, January 02, 2010



It’s a brand-new year, full of hope, promise and resolutions that will be shattered by sundown. What better time to reminisce about the previous year in entertainment, to recall the faux pas, foibles and fumbles of some of Tinseltown’s finest – or in some cases, foolhardiest? After all, old acquaintance should not be forgot and never brought to mind!

To the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s a most nostalgic time of the year!
When we visit once more all those who heretofore
Made us smile, scoff or sneer!
It’s a most nostalgic time of the year!

I’m recap-capping the season’s headlines!
Of the stars’ highs and lows, of their wins and their woes
For inquiring minds!
I’m recap-capping the season’s headlines!

Jon and Kate dominated, by year’s end we hated
To see them wherever we turned!
With their schemin’ and plottin’, their kids all but forgotten
No surprise that their show crashed and burned!

Kanye West hijacked the spotlight last year!
Interrupted Ms. Swift and left everyone miffed
And the poor girl in tears!
But Beyoncé saved the show, amid cheers!

Young Chris Brown showed his true stripes by taking a few swipes
Rihanna he battered and cussed!
But she rallied quicker and emerged the victor
And left that chump eating her dust!

Many stars were overexposed this past year!
Spence and Heidi, take note: You’ve been shoved down our throats,
Would you please disappear?
Many stars were overexposed this past year!

Carrie Prejean lost her crown, gave gay-marriage thumbs down
And drew much backlash from Perez!
Photographs in the near-buff, if that wasn’t enough
A sex tape compounded the mess!

Speaking of Perez, ‘twas not his best year!
He was put in his place by a fist in the face
Well-deserved, so we hear!
Perhaps he’ll keep his big mouth shut this year!

Late-night talk bade adieu to Jay Leno in June
Conan filled his big shoes in the fall
“ER” made history – 15 years on TV!
“Guiding Light” made its last curtain call

And we lost many bright stars through the year:
From the 70’s era, an angel named Farrah
Many held her so dear!
Yes, we lost many bright stars through the year

On the same day, a big shock shook the world of pop-rock
When Michael took his final bow
And Walter Cronkite said his final goodnight
Swayze danced his way up to the clouds

Here’s to more headlines throughout the new year!
‘Cos it’s guaran-dang-teed, stars will booze, brawl and breed
Or screw up their careers!
And give us more entertainment this year!