THE YEAR IN REVIEW REVUE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It’s a brand-new year, full of hope, promise and resolutions that will be shattered by sundown. What better time to reminisce about the previous year in entertainment, to recall the faux pas, foibles and fumbles of some of Tinseltown’s finest – or in some cases, foolhardiest? After all, old acquaintance should not be forgot and never brought to mind!

To the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

It’s a most nostalgic time of the year!
When we visit once more all those who heretofore
Made us smile, scoff or sneer!
It’s a most nostalgic time of the year!

I’m recap-capping the season’s headlines!
Of the stars’ highs and lows, of their wins and their woes
For inquiring minds!
I’m recap-capping the season’s headlines!

Jon and Kate dominated, by year’s end we hated
To see them wherever we turned!
With their schemin’ and plottin’, their kids all but forgotten
No surprise that their show crashed and burned!

Kanye West hijacked the spotlight last year!
Interrupted Ms. Swift and left everyone miffed
And the poor girl in tears!
But Beyoncé saved the show, amid cheers!

Young Chris Brown showed his true stripes by taking a few swipes
Rihanna he battered and cussed!
But she rallied quicker and emerged the victor
And left that chump eating her dust!

Many stars were overexposed this past year!
Spence and Heidi, take note: You’ve been shoved down our throats,
Would you please disappear?
Many stars were overexposed this past year!

Carrie Prejean lost her crown, gave gay-marriage thumbs down
And drew much backlash from Perez!
Photographs in the near-buff, if that wasn’t enough
A sex tape compounded the mess!

Speaking of Perez, ‘twas not his best year!
He was put in his place by a fist in the face
Well-deserved, so we hear!
Perhaps he’ll keep his big mouth shut this year!

Late-night talk bade adieu to Jay Leno in June
Conan filled his big shoes in the fall
“ER” made history – 15 years on TV!
“Guiding Light” made its last curtain call

And we lost many bright stars through the year:
From the 70’s era, an angel named Farrah
Many held her so dear!
Yes, we lost many bright stars through the year

On the same day, a big shock shook the world of pop-rock
When Michael took his final bow
And Walter Cronkite said his final goodnight
Swayze danced his way up to the clouds

Here’s to more headlines throughout the new year!
‘Cos it’s guaran-dang-teed, stars will booze, brawl and breed
Or screw up their careers!
And give us more entertainment this year!

JON & KATE MINUS ME

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Normally, I try to steer clear of the hot topics du jour and decomposing horses still being flogged, post-mortem. But my silence about the Jon and Kate debacle has gone on long enough. I think my sentiments would be expressed best when sung (in abbreviated form) to the tune of “American Pie,” with deepest apologies to Don McLean.

'Twas not so long ago
I can still remember
How the Gosselins used to make me smile
Residing in a modest house
Homemaker Kate and Jon, her spouse
And babies that went on for miles and miles

But as she toiled to raise her litter
Kate appeared to grow embittered
Jon seemed more aloof, yes
(Turns out he's just a doofus)

I can't recall the moment quite
When I knew divorce would be their plight
But I knew that I'd called it right
The day the marriage died

So bye-bye, to the Gosselin tribe
'Cos this season isn't pleasin'
No more can I abide
I can't watch your show or read the constant headlines
Sayin' Jon claims Kate does nothin' but whine
And Kate says Jon is out of his mind

While Kate's fans wave books to sign
And as Jon works on his clothing line
Does a nanny watch their eight?
The cash they rake in from their show
I hope they're saving up that dough
'Cos therapy's no doubt their children's fate!

Well, it's true that Kate's a control freak
And a germophobe who tends to shriek
If Jon were more laid-back
He would be comatose, in fact

Now he's a playboy bach’lor, he likes to flirt
Rides a bitchin’ bike and wears Ed Hardy shirts
But deep down, I'm sure it hurt
The day the marriage died

So now I'm sayin'
Bye-bye to the Gosselin tribe
Once your ratings were inflating
Now I'm watching them slide
Them good ol' fans are fallin' by the wayside
And waiting for your 15 minutes to die
For your 15 minutes to die

Wed for 10 years, two spent on this show
With perks that most people never know
'Cos stardom has its luxuries
First, a tummy tuck for post-natal Kate
Then some plugs for Jon-boy's balding pate
And a big Hawaii trip for free

Oh, and between hulas and luaus
The Gosselins renewed their vows
All at the network's cost
(Jon had his fingers crossed!)
So it seems this show has jumped the shark
Turn it off and put the gear in park
It's time this program fades to dark
And let the madness die

So I'm singin'
Bye-bye to the Gosselin tribe:
Mady, Cara, Hannah, Collin
Alexis, Leah, Aaden and Joel
I pray someday a normal life you will know
Once they pack up all the cameras and go
Pack up all the cameras and go!