KINGS OF THE ROAD

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

With unemployment rising faster than Megan Fox’s hemlines and gas prices oscillating like Tila Tequila’s sexual preference, folks are canceling vacations and seeking cheaper alternatives. If your purse strings are tighter than Beyoncé’s weave, there’s a way to hit the highway without shifting the car out of park. It’s one of our most revered cinematic pastimes: The road trip movie.

For the cost of two, maybe three, gallons of gas, you can see the world without enduring traffic jams, flat tires, the eternal wait at baggage claim or Mommy’s Little Precious playing punt-the-passenger on the back of your seat. So pop some Orville Redenbacher’s, fire up the DVD player, and settle into that you-shaped groove in your sofa.

This list isn’t comprehensive by a mile because there are so many road trip classics, including “It Happened One Night,” “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World,” “Smokey and the Bandit,” and of course, “Easy Rider” – not a personal pick, but nonetheless a linchpin of the genre.

Even “The Wizard of Oz” is a road trip – bonus points because it’s on foot! More recent years have brought “Dumb and Dumber” – I’m not a fan, but many are; “Sideways,” which I haven’t seen but hope to; and “Road Trip,” which I’ll never see for two reasons: Tom. Green.

I’ve narrowed my choices down to a few favorites from the last three decades:

* “National Lampoon’s Vacation” (1983) – The quintessential road trip flick, featuring Chevy Chase at the height of his hilarity.

* “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” (1985) – Tim Burton kicked off his directorial career with man-child Pee-wee’s search for his stolen bicycle, a trek that takes him to truck stops, biker bars, tourist traps and don’t forget – The Alamo.

* “Planes, Trains & Automobiles” (1987) – This screwball comedy manages to have heart and depth, thanks to funnymen Steve Martin and John Candy.

* “Thelma & Louise” (1991) – A chick flick that feels like a dude movie, except dudes wouldn’t hold hands and grin during their final trip. I won’t spoil it for the three cave-dwellers who haven’t seen it; let’s just say the last journey is a short one.

* “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” (1994) – Forget “To Wong Foo.” This Aussie trio makes those so-called drag queens look like … well, three guys in women’s clothing.

* “The Muppet Movie” (1997) – A froggie goes a-courtin’ stardom, as Kermit heads to Hollywood. I dare you not to get misty during “Rainbow Connection.”

* “The Straight Story” (1999) – An unconventional road tripper featuring one man, one riding mower and a six-week trip to make peace with his estranged brother. Even weirder: It’s a David Lynch film.

* “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (2006) – Reporter come to U.S. for do movie-film about greatest country in world and hopefully make sexy time with Pamela Anderson. High five!

* “Little Miss Sunshine” (2006) – “National Lampoon’s Vacation” for the indie set, with a more dysfunctional family and a kiddie beauty pageant thrown in for extra laughs.

I’M NOT BUYIN’ WHAT THEY’RE SELLIN’

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

You can’t turn on the TV, radio or computer without being assaulted by celebrity endorsements. They scream at you from billboards, store displays and magazine stands. Celebrity branding’s nothing new, but have you ever wondered how stars decide which products to put their names on?

Did Paul Newman have a run-in with some rancid ranch dressing and decide he could do better? Was Suzanne Somers watching “Three’s Company” reruns and thought, “I dunno what I was thinking when I wore that side ponytail, but boy, my thighs looked great!” Perhaps Jimmy Dean was scarfing down a corndog when it struck him that meat on a stick would taste even better with a pancake wrapped around it.

Why do certain stars shill certain wares? Maybe it’s a career move or a publicity ploy. Maybe they truly love the product and want us to know how great it is. Certainly, some do it because they need the money, but many do it even though they don’t.

From Newman’s Own dressings and Somers’ ThighMaster to Jimmy Dean foods and the Foreman Grill, celebrity-stamped products have woven their way into the fabric of everyday life. Sometimes the endorsements make sense, like Michael Jordan for Nike. Athletes wear sneakers – simple enough. But sometimes it’s a stretch connecting the celebrity to the product, like Michael Jordan cologne. While I trust His Airness to tell me which kicks have the best traction, I’m more dubious about his knowledge of botanic chemistry. His cologne won’t make me 6’6” or give me mad b-ball skills, so I can only conclude it’ll make me smell like him. I’ve seen the guy in action and he sweats. A LOT. Thanks, but I can manufacture my own stink for free.

Of course, Mike’s not the only one to endorse a scent bearing his name. Fragrance fever has infected stars including Elizabeth Taylor, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Prince, Cher, J-Lo, Beyoncé, Michael Jackson, KISS, Mariah Carey, Hilary Duff, the Olsen twins, Joan Rivers, Paris Hilton, Derek Jeter and even fictional characters like Barbie, Spiderman, Austin Powers and Avril Lavigne, who describes her new Black Star perfume as “me in a bottle,” so you’ll need to buy a spit-shield before spritzing it on.

Why should I trust uncredentialed non-experts to tell me what to wear, eat or drive? If I want a healthy dessert, I’ll ask a nutritionist, not Sylvester Stallone, though I’m sure his high-protein pudding is quite delicious. Samsonite’s been making suitcases for almost a century, so why do I need Jessica Simpson’s new luggage? If you ask me, the girl has enough baggage already.

I do, however, have faith in Danny DeVito, who’s hawking something called Premium Limoncello, which is not a fine stringed instrument but an Italian liqueur. In fact, it’s what he’d been imbibing before appearing on “The View” in a rather juiced-up state. Any man with enough sense to tie one on before facing that flock of cackling hens is a man I can trust.

KIDS SLAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

In honor of National Children’s Day, which takes place on Sunday, June 14, I’d like to give you parental types a little something to think about. The next time little Billy “discovers” science by putting a raw egg in the microwave or little Susie uses your $25 Color Fever™ lipstick to draw a hopscotch on the hardwood floor, take a deep breath, count to 10 and remind yourself it could be much, much worse. Then thank your lucky stars you’re not raising one of these terrifying tykes!

Henry Evans, "The Good Son"
Macaulay Culkin's Kevin McAllister had a sadistic streak in "Home Alone," but he was a rank amateur compared to Henry, whose idea of fun includes causing accidents by tossing a life-size dummy off an overpass, killing animals with a crossbow and picking off his younger siblings one by one. You’d think it wouldn’t take him trying to push her off a cliff for his oblivious mother to realize she's raising "Henry, Portrait of a Future Serial Killer."

Isaac, "Children of the Corn"
If you ever get a flat in Gatlin, Neb. (population: 968 and rapidly dwindling), don't bother calling AAA; roadside service isn’t much use in a town where most residents are too young to drive. Your best bet is to keep rolling on the rims till you hit the next town. Otherwise, creepy Isaac and his followers will take you directly to "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" – and I’m pretty sure he’s not a mechanic.

Reagan MacNeil, "The Exorcist"
At first, Reagan's acting out is thought to be the result of her parents' recent divorce. I mean, what kid HASN'T crashed Mom's dinner party by piddling on the carpet? When she starts gushing great green gouts of pea-soup vomit, it's obvious there's a darker force at work. To be fair, Reagan (Linda Blair) can't be blamed for her demonic behavior. After all, the devil made her do it.

The children, "Village of the Damned" (the 1960 original)
Rapidly aging blonds with blank expressions – no, not Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, but eerie, mutant spawn of inexplicable origin, capable of mind control that forces adults to do their bidding, including committing suicide. These towheaded terrors will make you think twice before telling “dumb blond” jokes.

Rhoda Penmark, "The Bad Seed"
Thanks to a brilliant portrayal by Patty McCormack of pure evil that's seldom been rivaled and never bettered, this pigtailed preteen set the bar for Hollywood hellspawn. If this murderous moppet has a moral compass, it's undoubtedly stuck on "south of Hades."

Damien Thorn, "The Omen"
He may look innocent, but there's something "off" about this kid. Maybe it's his aversion to churches. Or the way people have a curious habit of dying violently when he's around. One thing’s for sure: This is one instance in which “You’re just like your no-good father” is an appropriate admonishment!

MOVIELAND’S MOST-QUOTED MISQUOTES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

"Luke, I am your father."

Everyone in the free world recognizes this line from a jaw-dropping scene in a legendary sci-fi film, when the protagonist’s paternity is proclaimed in moviedom’s most memorable "Maury Povich" moment. In a game of Jeopardy, even someone like me, who’s never seen the flick in question but knows just enough to reasonably fake it, would punch the buzzer and triumphantly shout, "Who is Darth Vader, Alex?"

And Mr. Trebek would regretfully reply, "I’m sorry, but that’s wrong. Darth Vader did not say those words."

I know! I was as shocked as you! (At least I have the excuse of being a big Fakey McFaker who’s never seen the film.) Diehard devotees already know this: What Vader actually said in "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back" was, "No, I am your father,"in response to Luke Skywalker’s accusation about his father’s death.

According to a survey at lovefilm.com. "Luke, I am your father" is the daddy of film misquotes, topping a list of the 10 most common misquotes compiled after polling 1,500 filmgoers. What the survey didn’t show, however, is that for every misquoted movie quote, there’s another movie that uses the misquote, therefore making it a correct quote. In other words, right quote, wrong movie. So if you fancied yourself a master impressionist every time you asthmatically intoned, "Luke …," you weren’t imitating Darth Vader, you were citing Chris Farley’s character in "Tommy Boy."

Here’s the rest of lovefilm.com’s list, with the actual movie quotes, and as a bonus from yours truly, films containing the misquoted quotes.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" – "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"

Actual quote: "Magic mirror on the wall …"

Misquote used in "101 Dalmatians"

"Do you feel lucky, punk?" – "Dirty Harry"

Actual quote: "You’ve got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

Misquote used in "Scary Movie 2"

"Play it again, Sam." – "Casablanca"

Actual quote: "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'."

Misquote used in "Moonraker"

"Hello, Clarice."– "The Silence of the Lambs"

Actual quote: "Good evening, Clarice."

Misquote used in "Dr. Dolittle 2"(by a caged boar, no less.)

"Beam me up, Scotty." – "Star Trek" (TV and films)

Actual quote: "Scotty, beam us up."

Misquote used in "Armageddon"

"Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn." – "Gone With the Wind"

Actual quote: "Frankly, my dear …"

Misquote used in "Clue"

"If you build it, they will come." – "Field of Dreams"

Actual quote: "If you build it, he will come."

Misquote used in "Eight Legged Freaks"

"I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto." – "The Wizard of Oz"

Actual quote: "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

Misquote used in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"

"Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" – "The Graduate"

Actual quote: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me."

Misquote used in "The Ladies Man"

A WHOPPER OF A BAD IDEA

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

I’ve got a beef with a certain popular fast-food chain and its famously creepy mascot.

By now, most of you probably have seen Burger King’s latest ad campaign featuring a SpongeBob Squarepants-themed remix of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” In keeping with the original ode to plump posteriors, the King, with his disconcerting, ever-present plastic smile, extols the virtues of square rear ends while several ladies jiggle their box-shaped badonkadonks. At one point, the King even measures the perfect right angles of one woman’s, um, “asset.”

“When a sponge walks in, four corners in his pants – like he got phone book implants, the crowd shouts, all the ladies stare … dang, those pants are square!”

At first glimpse, I found the ad mildly amusing, if a bit bizarre. Upon closer scrutiny, however, I wondered, “What kind of buns are they selling, hamburger or human?” A perfectly valid question considering there’s no mention of food until the last eight seconds of the 30-second spot. In fact, the music video-style commercial is only loosely connected to SpongeBob, who has a blink-and-you’ll-miss-him cameo on a TV screen before being eclipsed by a fanny-cam close-up.

Despite a voiceover that mentions – not once, but twice – the 99-cent Kids’ Meal that comes with a SpongeBob toy, Burger King and Nickelodeon insist the ad is targeted at adults. Call me crazy, but I don’t think there’s a huge 18-and-over demographic shrieking, “Mommy, I want that toy!” when the commercial comes on. If you ask me, BK and Nick’s claim sounds like a lame attempt to cover their own butts.

Some parent and women’s groups are raising a rumpus over the cheeky ad. Susan Linn, director of the Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood said, "It's bad enough when companies use a beloved media character to promote junk food to children, but it's utterly reprehensible when that character simultaneously promotes objectified, sexualized images of women."

Others feel BK is getting a bum rap. The commercial is harmless, silly fun, they say, and the offended parties are overreacting, humorless drudges.

I’m somewhere in between the detractors and defenders. I’m not mortally offended by the ad; I just think it’s ill-conceived and weird. And I don’t advocate “commercial-free childhood” (though that would shorten a lot of Christmas lists). I do believe, however, that Sir Mix-a-Lot proclaiming, “Booty is booty!” has no place in a kiddie meal commercial, where the only shakes should come in chocolate, vanilla or strawberry, not skintight short-shorts.

Kids are bombarded with enough adult content as it is, even in children’s programming. I realize we can’t raise them in an antiseptic bubble; they’re going to be exposed to innuendo and risqué humor. But using rump-bumpin’ hotties to sell toys crosses the line between innuendo and inappropriate.

And that’s something I just can’t get behind.

GETTIN' SNUGGIE WITH IT

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Snuggie: $15-$20.

Slanket: $38.

Sruli Recht Blankoat, made from Icelandic sheep’s wool: $330.

Watching people weaving tipsily from bar to bar clad in any of the aforementioned garments: PRICELESS.

Thanks to a ubiquitous, cheesy, low-budget commercial hawking the Snuggie — buy one, get one free for only $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling (per Snuggie, that is) — and a free book light if you order online! — the “blanket with sleeves” has received a warm embrace from customers all over the U.S. and Canada.

As seen on TV (and in select stores for $15), the Snuggie has outsold its predecessors and successors several times over, thus proving P.T. Barnum right: There’s one born every minute — or in this case, every 30 seconds.

According to the ad, blankets are OK, but “when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside.” Oh, the tragedy — millions held hostage by fleece and quilted captors, unable to get to their remotes, forced to watch whatever dreck flashes on the screens before them. That might account for “WWE Raw” doing so well in the Nielsens, but it doesn’t explain why folks can’t simply move their blankets aside for second to use their hands. I’m all for comfort and convenience, but laziness should have limits.

The Snuggie might very well be the new black (though it doesn’t even come in that color), but this consumer ain’t buyin’ it. Whether they’re called Snuggies, Slankets, Freedom Blankets, Toasty Wraps, Cuddle Wraps or book blankets, in my mind, they all amount to the same thing: A backward bathrobe.

“Oh, no,” gasp those quaffing the Snuggie Kool-Aid. “Bathrobes are too short to keep your feet warm!” Not if you buy them in Big & Tall. Besides, there’s this other cool invention that’s been around for centuries. They’re called “socks.” Look into it.

I’ll admit that the Snuggie has the advantage of being suitable for a man or a woman, so it’s easier to bring unisex-y back than you could in a bathrobe. I’ll also concede that Snuggies seem pretty handy for outdoor activities — e.g., sporting events, sitting around a campfire or drunken bar-hopping. But beyond that, it’d take some mighty creative marketing to convince me to open my wallet.

Perhaps I’d be more amenable if the sales pitch included a Top 10 List of Alternative Uses for Your Snuggie. For instance:

10. Earn spare change masquerading as airport Hare Krishna.

9. Wear to graduation from Jedi Knight University.

8. Toga! Toga! Toga!

7. Greet trick-or-treaters as horrifying, life-size Cookie Monster.

6. Every superhero needs a winter cape.

5. Great for full-body floor waxing.

4. Monk-a-palooza!

3. Put your legs in the armholes and VOILA! Hammer pants!

2. Tie-dye it and audition for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamblanket.”

1. Two words: Giant ShamWow.

TRAVELING FOR COUCH POTATOES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

For a year and a half, readers have asked me periodically, “When ya gonna do another column about cities with weird names? That first one was so funny, I sent it to my aunt (or cousin or prison pen pal), to prove there are places with weirder names than the town she lives in (or goes to college or makes license plates in).”

The aforementioned column, which ran in October 2007, lamented the prevalence of boringly named fictional towns on television, e.g., Mayberry, Springfield and Arlen. I mean, if you’re gonna make up a place, why not call it something catchy like Quahog or New New York? I also suggested situating TV shows in real cities that reflect the programs’ themes – for instance, a legal drama set in Justice, Ill., or a baseball-related show based in Centerfield, Ohio.

I was surprised by the requests for an encore column, as I didn’t realize folks were so interested in geography. Or maybe they just want to giggle some more at place names like Fanny, Buttzville and French Lick.

Whatever the reason, I’m more than happy to oblige, for not only does this allow me to share new and amusing information, it also makes writing easier when my well of column ideas is emptier than a supermodel’s lunchbox.

So, without further ado, I present for your viewing pleasure:

Space TV on Public Access (think “Wayne’s World” for Trekkies and “Star Wars” fanatics), offering shows broadcast from basements in Vulcan, W.Va.; Enterprise, Miss.; Chewey, Okla.; and Vader, Wash.

The Fast Food Network, featuring tours of eateries in McDonald, N.M., and White Castle, La.

Highlights of Fido-Vision include shows based in Dog Town, Ala.; Doghouse Junction, Calif; and Marked Tree, Ark.

On the Church Channel, there’s something for virtually every denomination, with services taped in Holy Ghost, N.M.; Pray, Mont.; Vatican, La.; Pope Crossing, N.C.; The Holy City, Okla.; Mormon Bar, Calif.; and Allah, Ariz.

The chronically pessimistic can get their daily dose of gloom and doom on WWOE, broadcasting out of Cape Disappointment, Wash.; Fort Misery, Ariz.; and Bummerville, Calif.

Every day’s a holiday on Yule-TV, which offers shows set in Christmas Cove, Maine; Christmas City, Utah; Christmas Valley, Ore.; Christmasville, Tenn.; Santa, Idaho; Eggnog, Utah; and Tannenbaum, Ark.

Dust off your white three-piece suit and platform shoes and get ready to boogie with “Solid American Gold Dance Bandstand Fever,” filmed on location in Disco, Ill.

The Gambling Network takes you live to casinos in Keno, Ore.; Black Jack, Ky.; Bingo, Maine; and Jackpot, Nev.

On ParenTV, topics range from starting a family (with advice from doctors in Fertile, Iowa and Conception, Mo.) to potty-training, with a reality show featuring families in Euren, Wis.; Pee Pee, Ohio; and Flush, Kan.

Automotive buffs can tune in to shows shot in Ford, Miss.; Chevrolet, Ky.; Cadillac, Mich.; Pontiac, Mich.; Honda, Calif.; and Accord, Mass.

Whew … all this traveling has left me exhausted. I think I’ll head to Sleepy Hollow, N.Y. – by way of Featherbed, Md.