GETTIN' SNUGGIE WITH IT

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Snuggie: $15-$20.

Slanket: $38.

Sruli Recht Blankoat, made from Icelandic sheep’s wool: $330.

Watching people weaving tipsily from bar to bar clad in any of the aforementioned garments: PRICELESS.

Thanks to a ubiquitous, cheesy, low-budget commercial hawking the Snuggie — buy one, get one free for only $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling (per Snuggie, that is) — and a free book light if you order online! — the “blanket with sleeves” has received a warm embrace from customers all over the U.S. and Canada.

As seen on TV (and in select stores for $15), the Snuggie has outsold its predecessors and successors several times over, thus proving P.T. Barnum right: There’s one born every minute — or in this case, every 30 seconds.

According to the ad, blankets are OK, but “when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside.” Oh, the tragedy — millions held hostage by fleece and quilted captors, unable to get to their remotes, forced to watch whatever dreck flashes on the screens before them. That might account for “WWE Raw” doing so well in the Nielsens, but it doesn’t explain why folks can’t simply move their blankets aside for second to use their hands. I’m all for comfort and convenience, but laziness should have limits.

The Snuggie might very well be the new black (though it doesn’t even come in that color), but this consumer ain’t buyin’ it. Whether they’re called Snuggies, Slankets, Freedom Blankets, Toasty Wraps, Cuddle Wraps or book blankets, in my mind, they all amount to the same thing: A backward bathrobe.

“Oh, no,” gasp those quaffing the Snuggie Kool-Aid. “Bathrobes are too short to keep your feet warm!” Not if you buy them in Big & Tall. Besides, there’s this other cool invention that’s been around for centuries. They’re called “socks.” Look into it.

I’ll admit that the Snuggie has the advantage of being suitable for a man or a woman, so it’s easier to bring unisex-y back than you could in a bathrobe. I’ll also concede that Snuggies seem pretty handy for outdoor activities — e.g., sporting events, sitting around a campfire or drunken bar-hopping. But beyond that, it’d take some mighty creative marketing to convince me to open my wallet.

Perhaps I’d be more amenable if the sales pitch included a Top 10 List of Alternative Uses for Your Snuggie. For instance:

10. Earn spare change masquerading as airport Hare Krishna.

9. Wear to graduation from Jedi Knight University.

8. Toga! Toga! Toga!

7. Greet trick-or-treaters as horrifying, life-size Cookie Monster.

6. Every superhero needs a winter cape.

5. Great for full-body floor waxing.

4. Monk-a-palooza!

3. Put your legs in the armholes and VOILA! Hammer pants!

2. Tie-dye it and audition for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamblanket.”

1. Two words: Giant ShamWow.

TRAVELING FOR COUCH POTATOES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

For a year and a half, readers have asked me periodically, “When ya gonna do another column about cities with weird names? That first one was so funny, I sent it to my aunt (or cousin or prison pen pal), to prove there are places with weirder names than the town she lives in (or goes to college or makes license plates in).”

The aforementioned column, which ran in October 2007, lamented the prevalence of boringly named fictional towns on television, e.g., Mayberry, Springfield and Arlen. I mean, if you’re gonna make up a place, why not call it something catchy like Quahog or New New York? I also suggested situating TV shows in real cities that reflect the programs’ themes – for instance, a legal drama set in Justice, Ill., or a baseball-related show based in Centerfield, Ohio.

I was surprised by the requests for an encore column, as I didn’t realize folks were so interested in geography. Or maybe they just want to giggle some more at place names like Fanny, Buttzville and French Lick.

Whatever the reason, I’m more than happy to oblige, for not only does this allow me to share new and amusing information, it also makes writing easier when my well of column ideas is emptier than a supermodel’s lunchbox.

So, without further ado, I present for your viewing pleasure:

Space TV on Public Access (think “Wayne’s World” for Trekkies and “Star Wars” fanatics), offering shows broadcast from basements in Vulcan, W.Va.; Enterprise, Miss.; Chewey, Okla.; and Vader, Wash.

The Fast Food Network, featuring tours of eateries in McDonald, N.M., and White Castle, La.

Highlights of Fido-Vision include shows based in Dog Town, Ala.; Doghouse Junction, Calif; and Marked Tree, Ark.

On the Church Channel, there’s something for virtually every denomination, with services taped in Holy Ghost, N.M.; Pray, Mont.; Vatican, La.; Pope Crossing, N.C.; The Holy City, Okla.; Mormon Bar, Calif.; and Allah, Ariz.

The chronically pessimistic can get their daily dose of gloom and doom on WWOE, broadcasting out of Cape Disappointment, Wash.; Fort Misery, Ariz.; and Bummerville, Calif.

Every day’s a holiday on Yule-TV, which offers shows set in Christmas Cove, Maine; Christmas City, Utah; Christmas Valley, Ore.; Christmasville, Tenn.; Santa, Idaho; Eggnog, Utah; and Tannenbaum, Ark.

Dust off your white three-piece suit and platform shoes and get ready to boogie with “Solid American Gold Dance Bandstand Fever,” filmed on location in Disco, Ill.

The Gambling Network takes you live to casinos in Keno, Ore.; Black Jack, Ky.; Bingo, Maine; and Jackpot, Nev.

On ParenTV, topics range from starting a family (with advice from doctors in Fertile, Iowa and Conception, Mo.) to potty-training, with a reality show featuring families in Euren, Wis.; Pee Pee, Ohio; and Flush, Kan.

Automotive buffs can tune in to shows shot in Ford, Miss.; Chevrolet, Ky.; Cadillac, Mich.; Pontiac, Mich.; Honda, Calif.; and Accord, Mass.

Whew … all this traveling has left me exhausted. I think I’ll head to Sleepy Hollow, N.Y. – by way of Featherbed, Md.

REMAKING ‘ROCKY’? OH, THE HORROR!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It was great when it all began. I was a regular Frankie fan. But it was over when they had the plan … to start working on a remake.

Those who have experienced the midnight madness of chanting “Lips! Lips! Lips!” and doing the “Time Warp” will recognize that paraphrased verse from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” – simply “Rocky” to fans – the B-movie spoof with the longest-running theatrical release in cinema history.

Since “Rocky” opened in 1975, millions of fans have flocked to theaters around the world dressed as the movie’s characters – “sweet transvestite” Dr. Frank N. Furter, servants Riff-Raff and Magenta, and squeaky-voiced Columbia, among others. Now MTV is looking to cash in on that cult following with a made-for-TV remake.

And I thought “Flavor of Love” was their worst idea.

Using the original screenplay by Jim Sharman and Richard “Riff-Raff” O'Brien, who’s declined to give his blessing, the revamp will be produced by original “Rocky” executive producer Lou Adler. (Cough-sellout-cough!)

As a former fan club member who did my 11th grade speech class report on “Rocky,” I am not amused. Neither are the devotees who have mounted a campaign against the TV movie at www.stoptheremake.com.

For the uninitiated (“virgins” in fan lingo), “Rocky” is a so-bad-it’s-brilliant hodgepodge of camp, sci-fi, rock’n’roll and debauchery the likes of which cannot be sufficiently captured within the confines of this column. Just take my word when I say Tim Curry looks disturbingly hot in fishnet stockings.

But the real story is the fans. “Rocky” spawned a subculture that’s been the subject of countless print and broadcast news items. Donning costumes and acting out scenes, moviegoers have “remade” the film every weekend for the past three decades. Audience participation is obligatory at “Rocky,” one of the few movies where talking back to the screen not only is accepted but encouraged. Thanks to a cool big brother, I already knew the lines to yell (plus many unprintable ones I learned on my own) before my first “Rocky” outing in June 1981 – coincidentally, the same year MTV debuted.

Apparently, MTV is unclear on the concept of “cult films,” which by definition are innovative and non-mainstream – two phrases that no longer describe MTV, which is far more “TV” than “M” these days. Many cult films, including “Rocky,” were commercial and critical flops before avid fans made them underground hits. How, then, can the filmmakers recapture a magic that was purely accidental?

And how will they work modern technology into what was decidedly a period piece? With the advent of cell phones and GPS, Brad and Janet no longer have an excuse for being lost or needing to use Frank N. Furter’s phone. Furthermore, how will they finesse the original’s numerous indiscriminate couplings in this era of safe sex?

No casting decisions have been revealed, but with MTV at the helm, we could very well see Frank N. Furter as interpreted by Justin Timberlake. Though I gotta admit, he does look disturbingly hot in fishnets. *

* OK, so those aren't fishnets in the linked photo, but glossy nylons = close enough!

LUCK O' THE IRISH

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It’s apparently of little import that legendary snake-chasing Irishman St. Patrick didn’t really purge the Emerald Isle of serpents and in fact, wasn’t even Irish, because every March 17, many Americans can be found in bars, taverns, clubs and pubs, hoisting mugs of lukewarm green beer in his name.

Depending on which source you trust, St. Patrick was born in Wales or Scotland, sometime between 340 and 387 AD, and while he accomplished many impressive feats, reptile extermination wasn’t one of them. That yarn was spun to explain the absence of snakes on the island and it’s certainly more colorful than the scientific truth: Ireland has always been snake-free, first because of the most recent ice age, and after that because the frigid seas surrounding the country prevented snakes from migrating.

The fact that the popular folktale is load of blarney doesn’t stop Americans – some Irish by heritage, others “Irish for a day” – from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with gusto. It’s been observed in Ireland as a quiet religious holiday for centuries, with many businesses closing for the day, but leave it to the U.S. to turn it into a boozy extravaganza! Irish immigrants in Boston first celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in 1737 and the first parade on record was held 25 years later in New York. By the late 19th century, the parade had become a way for Irish-Americans to show off their cultural pride, numerical strength and political might, a role it retains today.

For most of us, St. Paddy’s celebrations center around the color green – those unfortunate enough to get caught not heeding “the wearing of the green” – be it an article of clothing, a button or a shamrock – often find themselves on the receiving end of a stinging pinch!

However, blue, not green, was the original hue associated with the holiday. The change came some time in the mid-18th century, when it was considered a sign of Irish nationalism or loyalty to Roman Catholicism to adorn one’s clothing with a three-leafed shamrock. Over time, the three-leaf clover gave way to the four-leaf variety – considered lucky because of their rarity – that’s now a ubiquitous symbol of St. Patrick’s Day.

Good luck is something we all can use, so if you want to up the ante and boost your chances of having an extra-fortunate St. Paddy’s Day, there are several “charms” you can rely on, in addition to four-leaf clovers.

Rabbits and hares are associated with spring, a time of blooming flowers, fertility and plentiful crops, so seeing the long-eared critters hopping through the fields was a sign of luck to come. Consequently, the foot of a rabbit has long been considered a lucky amulet, though the rabbit population undoubtedly would dispute this belief.

Another universally recognized bringer of blessings is the horseshoe. In days of yore, many people, including my grandmother, hung a horseshoe in their homes to attract good luck for the family residing there. Others hung the shoes on the doorframe to invite good fortune inside.

Almost all forms of currency have at least one superstition associated with them. The most common is the belief that finding a penny on the ground, especially if it’s heads-up, will bring good fortune, hence the rhyme, "Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you'll have good luck."

Rainbows also are considered lucky and if you happen upon a real one, be sure to follow the prismatic arc to its end, because as everyone knows, there’ll be a pot of gold waiting for you. Sure, you might have to grapple with an ill-tempered leprechaun to get it, but hello – it’s gold!

Many people designate their own lucky items. It could be the socks you were wearing the night you met your true love or the shirt you sport at every bowling night. Whatever trinkets, talismans and charms you choose, be sure to give a tip o’ the hat to St. Patrick on March 17 by displaying at least one shamrock for the day. But remember: Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck.

I KNOW IT’S ONLY MOCK ‘N’ ROLL

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

The term “poser” is anathema to most pop stars, but there are those who let their "fake" flags fly with pride. Take, for instance, Spinal Tap, arguably the most successful fictional rock band in music and movie history. They’ve performed on “Saturday Night Live,” played Carnegie Hall, and appeared in animated form on “The Simpsons.”

They even reunited to raise awareness of global warming in the SOS/Live Earth concert series two years ago. (Nevermind that they thought the warmth was caused by wearing too many clothes.) Now, David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean), Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) are hitting the road again to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their mockumentary, "This Is Spinal Tap,” with a 30-city trek beginning April 17 in Vancouver.

This time, “the world’s loudest band” won’t be blowing out eardrums with their trademark cranked-up-to-11 volume. Dialing it down to about 8.5, they’re going acoustic and packing away the shag hairpieces for their “Unwigged and Unplugged” tour. No word yet on who’s signing on to play drums, but whoever he is better be blessed with nine lives, as Tap is known to go through percussionist like Pam Anderson goes through husbands. Only Mick Fleetwood has emerged unscathed, avoiding spontaneous combustion, choking on vomit of unknown origin and other grisly fates that befell the band’s two dozen other drummers.

In addition to Spinal Tap, many other faux-rockers boast more impressive careers, more checkered histories and often, more talent, than a lot of real bands. Here’s a non-comprehensive alphabetical list of ersatz entertainers, most of whom you can watch perform live, thanks to the miracle of DVD (asterisks denote bands with the same names as their TV shows/movies):

The Archies – “The Archie Show”

Autobahn – “The Big Lebowski”

The Barbusters – “Light of Day”

Barry Jive and the Uptown Five – “High Fidelity”

The Blues Brothers*

CB4*

Citizen Dick – “Singles”

The Commitments*

Crucial Taunt – “Wayne’s World”

Dewey Cox & Band – “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”

Dingoes Ate My Baby – “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (TV show)

The Dreamettes – “Dreamgirls”

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem – “The Muppet Show”

Eddie and the Cruisers*

Fat Albert & the Junkyard Band – “Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids”

The Five Heartbeats*

Hedwig and the Angry Inch*

Jesse and the Rippers – “Full House”

Josie and the Pussycats*

Leather Tuscadero & The Suedes – “Happy Days”

Mystik Spiral – “Daria”

N.W.H. – “Fear of a Black Hat”

The Rutles (think Monty Python meets the Beatles) – “All You Need Is Cash”

Sexual Chocolate – “Coming to America”

The Soggy Bottom Boys – “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”

Sonic Death Monkey – “High Fidelity”

The Stains – “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains”

Stillwater – “Almost Famous”

Venus in Furs – “Velvet Goldmine”

Wyld Stallyns – “Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure,” “Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey”

The Wonders – “That Thing You Do!”

FALLING APART AT THE THEMES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

"Goldfingahhhhhhhhhh!"

"Live and let diiiie … dunt, DUNNNNN!"

"Nobody does it better … baby, you’re the best!"

"For your eyes only, only for yoooooou …"

Despite never having watched a single James Bond flick in its entirety, I can sing the theme songs to many offerings from the Connery and Moore eras, which ran from the early 60’s through mid-80’s, when Tim Dalton took over in "The Living Daylights." It speaks volumes that all I can remember about that film’s theme is the title – because it’s the same as the movie’s – and the performer – a-Ha – because they did that really cool (for 1985, anyway) video that looked like a comic book.

There was a time when you couldn’t escape hearing silver screen theme songs – in the car, the dentist’s chair, an elevator – wherever you went. My eye still twitches when I hear the opening strains of Celine Dion’s "My Heart Will Go On."

The songs were as big as the movies themselves. We were born to be wild like "Easy Rider." We strutted our stuff with John Travolta ‘cos we, too, were "Stayin’ Alive." We shared misty, watercolor memories with Barbra Streisand. And when Isaac Hayes’ backup singers demanded that we shut our moufs, we innocently replied, "I’m talkin’ ‘bout Shaft!"

Whatever happened to definitive theme songs? There’s been the occasional hit in the last decade, but the stream of true blockbuster songs has pretty much run dry. They just don’t write ‘em like that anymore.

In honor of these odes of yore, below are a few of my favorite movie theme songs. They’re all from the 1980’s because was my theatergoing heyday. I spent much of my free time at the movies because my neighborhood wasn’t wired for cable, VCRs were the size of Buicks and I hadn’t yet become too crabby to tolerate the annoying habits of other moviegoers – you know, talking … popcorn-crunching … soda-slurping … breathing.

* "Eye of The Tiger" – Survivor, "Rocky III" (1982). Show me a high school marching band that can't play this song and I’ll show you a geekatorium where Mathletes is the most popular team sport.

* "Flashdance ... What A Feeling" – Irene Cara, "Flashdance" (1983) This song/movie showed me my true calling as a breakdancer. In the Locked Bedroom Door Contemporary Dance Troupe, that is.

* "I Melt With You" – Modern English, "Valley Girl" (1983)

* "Ghostbusters" – Ray Parker Jr., "Ghostbusters" (1984)

* "Purple Rain" – Prince, "Purple Rain" (1984)

* "Don't You (Forget About Me)" – Simple Minds, "The Breakfast Club" (1985) – I was a combination of the “brain” and the “basket case,” according to a scientific study (translation: a Seventeen Magazine quiz).

* "We Don't Need Another Hero" – Tina Turner, "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" (1985)

* "Glory Of Love" – Peter Cetera, "The Karate Kid Part II" (1986). As twentysomething Ralph Macchio's age finally began to show, his turn as 17-year-old Daniel-san felt like a little bit of a stretch in this fairly decent sequel. I mean, the guy doesn't look a day under 19!

* "Take My Breath Away" – Berlin, "Top Gun" (1986)

* "Who Wants To Live Forever?" – Queen, "Highlander" (1986)

* "In Your Eyes" – Peter Gabriel, "Say Anything" (1989). This song and the scene it underscores inspired countless lovestruck teenage boys to let their boomboxes say what their knotted-up tongues couldn’t. It also inspired countless irate parents to file restraining orders.

YOU FEEL LUCKY, PUNK?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

TGIF (tee-gee-eye-eff)--interjection. 1. Acronym for "Thank God It's Friday," a common refrain of laborers who, like mullet-haired 80's rockers Loverboy, are "workin' for the weekend." 2. Something superstitious people won't be saying today.

Friday the 13th. What is it about this day that makes people jumpier than spit on a hot skillet? In extreme cases, some folks refuse to leave home until the bell tolls Saturday, releasing them from the paralyzing grip of paraskavedekatriaphobia – a fancy, unpronounceable way of saying, "Friday the 13th scares the bejabbers out of me."

Folklorists say there’s no documentation of this superstition before the 19th century. Probably because the evidence was shredded by a black cat that broke a mirror while carrying an open umbrella in the house. Obviously, I’m joking – lacking opposable thumbs, cats cannot carry umbrellas. But seriously, there are several theories about the superstition’s origin, the simplest being that it’s an amalgamation of two older superstitions: 1) Thirteen is an unlucky number, and 2) Friday is an unlucky day.

Personally, I don’t see what all the hoopla is about. I’d rather have 13 dollars – or donuts – than 12 and any day I wake up on the alive side of the bed is a lucky one. If that day happens to be Friday – be it the 13th or 23rd – bonus! No work tomorrow! I won’t have to leave the house except to run to the store for $13 worth of donuts!

Many of us herald the arrival of each Friday like it’s some kind of holiday, so why not observe Friday the 13th the same way? We throw parties on birthdays, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve … why not celebrate a new kind of "Black Friday"? Laughing in the face of superstition is the perfect way to overcome your fears.

First, you’ll want to invite 12 guests – plus you, that equals 13 people. Next, what’s on the menu? In some cultures, eating chicken on holidays is forbidden for fear that your luck could fly away. Pfft. Ever seen a chicken fly? Oh, they DO … just not very well. So serve those buffalo wings without fear! But go easy on the sauce or you might not feel so lucky later. Choose your poison and drink to luck, then follow your toast with dessert – something simple like Rice Krispies treats. But instead of the traditional snap-crackle-popular cereal, use Lucky Charms. They’re magically delicious!

After a game of Pin the Lucky Foot on the Rabbit, end the evening with a movie. The long list of appropriately themed films includes two versions of "Freaky Friday" and (if you can overlook the idiotic spelling) "Thir13een Ghosts," but the obvious choice is "Friday the 13th" or one of its numerous sequels. I think they’re up to "Part 287: Jason Gets a Hangnail" now.

If you’re not up for a gorefest, check out 1978’s "Thank God It’s Friday." Sure, it’s a musical comedy, but it’s chock-full of disco-era fashions and frankly, it doesn’t get much scarier than that.