MOVIES PLAY BY THEIR OWN RULES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

I’ve never been much for horror films of the slash-and-gore variety. Such movies are a large part of why I don’t go camping. Everyone knows a tent full of humans is basically a burrito in the eyes of a hockey-masked killer. However, if the movie has a hint of dark comedy, I’ll give it a shot, which is how I got hooked into the “Scream” trilogy.

While watching a rerun of the first installment on cable a few nights ago, I was reminded of two things: 1) Jamie Kennedy’s performance as Randy the resident film geek almost makes up for “Malibu’s Most Wanted,” and 2) Randy’s rules for surviving a horror movie are invariably true – especially, “Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, ‘I'll be right back.’ Because you won't be back.” (Unless, of course, you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

Movies come with a set of regulations all their own. For instance, all you need is a pair of glasses to keep your friends from recognizing the resemblance between you and your superhero alter ego. And if you find yourself outnumbered by bad guys, don’t worry – they always have the courtesy to attack you one at a time. The others will dance around menacingly while waiting their turns.

Other filmdom rules of thumb:

* You can fire a six-shooter at least eight times without reloading.

* In the unlikely event that you run out of bullets, a comrade will sneak up and shoot the bad guy in the back.

* A bad guy can unload a machine gun and miss the broad side of a barn, but a good guy can take out an entire hit squad with one bullet.

* One twin is always evil.

* Amnesia as the result of a bump on the head is cured by another bump on the head.

* You will always have exact change for cab fare. Sometimes you don’t have to pay at all.

* If you need to see an important news bulletin, it will air the second you turn on the TV.

* Ventilation ducts are always large enough to crawl through. And they’re never turned on. And they’ll always lead you to an escape route.

* No matter how fast you run and how slowly the killer walks, he will catch you.

* When driving, it’s perfectly safe to look everywhere except at the road.

* If you break into song and dance on a busy street, traffic will stop and everyone will know the words and steps.

* When staying in a seedy hotel, you'll always get the room with the flashing neon sign right outside the window.

* If you’re in a hurry, you don’t need keys to start your car.

* Ugly girls are just pretty girls with glasses and/or braces.

* Whentyping,youneverneedtohitthespacebar.

* If you’re the underdog team, the winning shot will swish into the basket at the same time the buzzer hits zero.

* Aliens from other planets always sound American.

* Morning breath is non-existent.

* A bulletproof vest will protect you from being shot in the head or extremities.

* In a car chase, you’ll always miss oncoming vehicles by mere inches.

I could go on forever, but there’s an important news bulletin I need to see. I’ll be right back.