TALKIN' 'BOUT A RESOLUTION

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

New Year’s resolutions. I don’t make ‘em. Never have, probably never will. After all, I’m like Mary Poppins: Practically Perfect In Every Way. But without the cool, aerodynamic bumbershoot.

Of course, I’m kidding. I’m the first to admit I’m far from perfect, but I don’t see the point in choosing a specific day to make a significant, life-altering commitment … which might explain why I’ve unloaded three wedding gowns on eBay in the last decade.

Seriously, though … if I’m determined to change, I can do it just as well on Groundhog Day as on January 1. Sure, I understand that New Year’s Day symbolizes a fresh start, but for me, every day is a fresh start. And not just because of my rapidly advancing short-term memory loss.

I see myself as a work in progress, unbeholden to the constraints of time. I’ve watched friends have nuclear meltdowns because they’ve jazzercised and Tae Bo’ed till their teeth sweat, but haven’t shed X-number of pounds by a certain date. Lemme tell ya, it’s a lot less stressful to take it one day at a time, ‘cos if you’re still fat on Monday, there’s always Tuesday.

When it comes to resolutions, I say, “If you don’t make ‘em, you won’t break ‘em.” Actually, I do make a few resolutions … just not for myself. I make them for those lacking the sense to know what’s good for them: Celebrities.

Last year, Britney Spears told “Extra” that her resolution for 2007 was “to take care of me more.” Yeah, that worked out real well. This year, she should shoot for more realistic goals like, “Start a therapy fund for little what’s-his-name and the other one” and “Don’t give Jamie Lynn parenting advice.”

Paris Hilton, given a new lease on life after a stint in the slammer, told Larry King she wanted to “do something humane.” Here’s an idea: “Retire from acting and singing; take up needlepoint.” Or perhaps pottery. She’s less likely to hurt herself with some nice, soft clay.

Extolling her own virtues in a September interview with Q Magazine, Avril Lavigne said: “I’m a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’” Avril, honey, you’re all heart! For 2008, I suggest: a) Buy a ladder to help you down from that high horse; b) Send money to victims of “the hurricane thing” instead of size-zero Hot Topic hand-me-downs; and c) Ask the Wizard for a brain.

Other proposed resolutions:

* Lindsay Lohan: Two words. “Designated” and “driver.”

* Amy Winehouse: Next time they try to make you go to rehab, say, “Yes, yes, yes!”

* Don Imus: Ditch the radio gig and join the rap world, where racist, sexist remarks equal big money.

* David Hasselhoff: No more videos of you drunkenly eating hamburgers on the floor. At least not without a napkin.

And last, but not least, to Pamela Anderson: Put those things away, will ya? You’re gonna put out somebody’s eye one of these days.