DUDE, WHERE'S MY 'STACHE?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Mustaches are making a comeback and I, for one, am hyena-happy about it. I’ve had enough of the pitiful face-fluff Hollywood’s been fobbing off on us for the past couple of decades. I’m sick of the scruffy stuff that screams, “I spend my paycheck on hobo wine instead of razors!” and the wan wisps reminiscent of pubescent boys going for a look that says “gangsta,” but ending up with “Got Milk?”

According to the American Mustache Institute (I swear I didn’t make that up), the end of the ‘70s began a Dark Age of discrimination against the hair-lipped. The St. Louis-based organization, which hosts an annual “‘Stache Bash,” battles negative stereotypes and fights for the rights of the oppressed Mustache-American masses. Indeed, the time has come to return to the masculine mouth-mantels of yesteryear. From studly (Burt Reynolds) to silly (Groucho Marx) to shaggy (Wilford Brimley), the mustache has a proud, well-groomed history among celebrities. So wear those lip-whiskers with pride, boys … they aren’t just for truckers, Hell’s Angels or Gene Shalit anymore.

If you’re thinking about letting your hair down, here are some noted mustache mavens you might want to mimic:

* Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind – “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn if it itches when I kiss you.”

* The biker from The Village People – Mucho macho, man!

* Dr. Phil – Warning: Side effects may include smugness and slavish devotion to Oprah. If you experience an overinflated ego lasting more than four hours, please see your doctor.

* Lionel Richie – A look guaranteed to have you dancing on the ceiling all night long. Jheri Curl optional.

* Frank Zappa – There aren’t too many guys who can rock the horseshoe ‘stache. Case in point: Hulk Hogan.

* Charlie Chaplin – The Little Tramp was well-known for his little “toothbrush” mustache. Unfortunately, so was Hitler.

* Tom Selleck – While he won an Emmy for his portrayal of Magnum, P.I., his facial hair deserved an award for Best Supporting Actor.

* Sacha Baron Cohen – Is true that man who look like Borat always make sexy time with the ladies!

* Mario of Nintendo fame – Sudden increases in firepower and running abilities may occur.

No list would be complete – and this one’s nowhere close – without a tip of the razor to rugged veteran actor Sam Elliott, whose mustache is truly a wondrous thing to behold. In fact, I think it deserves a place on the National Park Service’s list of natural monuments, right up there with Yellowstone Park and the Everglades.

If you’re still uncertain about flaunting your facial foliage, visit www.petmoustache.com, where you can upload a photo of yourself and get a sneak peek at what you’d look like with a ‘stache. As for me, I don’t need the preview to know what I’d look like with facial hair. Thanks to middle age and Mother Nature, I’ll be finding out soon enough.