CONFLICT RESOLUTION FOR CONFLICTING RESOLUTIONS

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Mark Twain said, “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” It’s the middle of the month and I’m sure a lot of folks already have proven Twain right.

Each year, people charge into the New Year with more determination than a bull at a red cape convention, setting goals for their health, finances and relationships with the best of intentions. And each year, many of these same people find their actions in polar opposition to their intentions after a few weeks, months, or in some cases, mere days.

I’m not a big fan of resolutions; I prefer to make positive changes whenever life calls for it. But I realize many folks view a new year as a new start, so here’s a word of advice – actually, four words: Set the bar lower. By following my tips for a few of the most common annual resolutions, you can keep those goals attainable. Warning: These suggestions are not kid-tested, mother-approved or inspected by No. 12, nor do four out of five dentists recommend them.

Does your quest for better health include going to bed earlier? Before hitting the sack, set your clock to Pacific Standard Time – e.g., if you go to bed at 10 p.m., turn the big hand back to 7 p.m., and voila! Three extra hours of Z’s. By the time you wake up – say, 6 a.m. (3 a.m. Pacific), it will be the next morning in Brisbane and you’ll have gained a whole day of rest!

Want to attend church more often? Get a schedule of potlucks and prayer breakfasts within a 10-mile radius. As a lifelong Baptist, I can tell you from personal experience, these events will keep you in the Lord’s house more than your own. Of course, this could result in you breaking the most common New Year’s resolution – to lose weight – so you might want to stick to the Communion circuit.

Which brings us to the never-ending Battle of the Bulge. For many of us, it’s a lifelong fight and frankly, my love handles are winning. While I avidly support good eating habits and physical fitness, I also know how discouraging it is to find the only weight you’ve lost is the scale you chucked out the window when the digital display read, “One at a time, please.”

In stopping the cycle of self-defeat, it’s important to remember that pounds don’t just come from fat, muscle, tissues and organs. Ever weighed your clothes? Those suckers are heavy, especially in winter! Switch to lightweight fabrics and those paper shoes they give you in the hospital. Shed your underwear if necessary. After all, many no-talent starlets have become famous by doing the same!

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It's a new year and for many, a new beginning. Yes, it's resolution time, when otherwise sane people declare 2009 the year they will become testaments to willpower, clean living and stick-to-it-tiveness. They'll quit smoking, eat healthy, drink less, and exercise more. They'll finally finish that treehouse they started for Billy in 1990 – with help from Billy, who now has a master's in architecture.

And like last year and the year before, they'll rip up their lists before year's end … or month's end … or the end of this column.

How can you stop the cycle of making and breaking New Year's resolutions? Simple – don't make any! "That's cheating," you say. "If you have no resolutions, you can’t brag about not breaking any!" Yeah, what's your point? I'm taking the easy way out? Don't judge!

OK, fine. If it’ll make you feel better, I'll bite the bullet. I certainly could stand to drop a few pounds and get back to my original weight. But since there's no way I'll ever downsize to 6 pounds, 6 ounces, instead I resolve to do the following:

* Reduce my caffeine consumption, except on special occasions, e.g.: a) My birthday; b) Holidays, including but not limited to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Cinco de Mayo and Groundhog Day; and c) Days of the week ending in "y."

* Walk a mile in others' shoes before criticizing them. That way, if they get mad, they're a mile away. And barefoot.

* Procrastinate less (starting tomorrow). See, the reason so many folks bail on their resolutions is because they set the bar so high even Shaq could limbo under it, which brings us to the first tip in Belinda's Resolutions Everyone's Able to Keep (BREAK):

* Keep it real - Set goals you can reasonably expect to achieve. While "I will lose 50 pounds by the end of the year," is admirable, it’s not pragmatic for some. However, "I will gain 30 pounds, maintain it long enough for people to forget what I once looked like, then lose it, causing everyone to gush about how great I look," is within the realm of possibility.

Now that you've recorded your roster of realistic resolutions, go down the list and summarily cross off all resolutions that:

* You tried before but broke within the first month.

* You made for someone else - your significant other, friends, the mail carrier ... unless it's "Train Sparky to stop attacking people in uniforms," in which case, that's just good lawsuit-avoiding sense.

* Stem from media-induced shame. Those muscleheads were fit and trim BEFORE shooting that Ab-Dominator infomercial.

* Depend upon your mood, the weather, having a good hair day, planetary alignment, etc.

At this point, if you’ve been honest with yourself, you should be looking at a blank sheet of paper. Congratulations! Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna walk to Starbuck’s for a triple espresso. Wearing these shoes I found. Meh … maybe tomorrow.