COLOR ME ...

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

With the recent upturn in temperatures, I’ve been on a quest for a reasonably priced spring jacket, something stylish but not too trendy and featuring enough pockets to serve as sort of a wearable purse. As I’m notorious for my hatred of shopping –which, along with my disdain for purse-toting, puts me in danger of having my Ladies’ Club membership revoked – I’ve been cruising the online clothing circuit. I guess you could say I’m doing a little Windows-shopping. (Ha! See what I did there?)

Because I’m just enough of a girl that I wouldn’t be caught dead in a jacket that conflicts with the rest of my ensemble, I’m looking for something in a neutral tone, preferably on the lighter end of the brown spectrum. One would think this would be a relatively simple search. One would be grossly mistaken.

What I found was a baffling array of choices – none of them accompanied by examples – like Chamois, Flax, String, Oakleaf and Pearl Bisque. (String?! Really?) Whatever happened to good ol’ lower-case khaki, beige or just plain tan?! Now, I understand trying to make colors more attractive-sounding, and I can figure out what Sand, Camel, Toast and Café-Au-Lait look like, but Praline Cream, Barley, Oatmeal and Biscuit?

Distracted by these undecipherable names (and a sudden craving for breakfast food), I forgot about shopping and got lost in a sea of Delicacy and Fatigue – not states of mind, but colors in the Chico’s catalog. Another site offers items in the color of Mud, which is about as clear as … well, its name, since one puddle of wet dirt can look different from the next.

Silly me, I always thought brown just came in light, medium and dark, but apparently, it also can be Havana, Aztec, Cordial, Hacienda and California Gold, the last of which I’m pretty sure is an illegal substance.

Seriously, I get it. I realize manufacturers can’t call ‘em as they see ‘em because who’d want to buy anything offered in Jaundice, Gaping Head Wound Red or Strained-Carrot Baby Barf? And I shouldn’t complain because it could be worse. Though I have no idea what Plumbago, Slurple and Haze look like, I’d be more likely to put them on my body than such Tudor-Era shades as Dead Spaniard, Goose-Turd and Blod (I don’t even want to know).

I did enjoy the color wordplay on an automotive website – Anti-Establish Mint, Last Stand Custard, There She Blue – and was thankful to find no cars offered in Gang Green, Salmon ‘Nilla or Pierced Navel Orange. (Though I AM lobbying for I Cannot Tell A Lilac.)

Paint-job possibilities aside, this catchy-naming trend has gotten out of control. What’s the world coming to when there’s a selection of more than a dozen names for what most of us know as black? I give up. Until someone invents a color decoder ring, I’m sticking to Fisher-Price products, where the colors come in primary red, blue and yellow.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE TECH-MAS!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

'Tis a month before Christmas; our wallets are thin;
Still, we venture forth holiday shopping again.
The economy stinks, but the little ones beg
For toys that will cost us an arm and a leg!

In our day, we marveled at dump trucks and dolls,
Cassette players, tea sets and spongy Nerf balls.
If we ran out of batteries, we weren’t defeated –
Our imaginations were all that we needed

But now the Technology Age has arrived,
When a kid with no iPod's considered deprived!
Today's plugged-in kids, our old-fashioned toys bore 'em
'Cause too many gadgets do their thinking for 'em!

So onward we traipse, as if marching to war,
To elbow our way through some crowded toy store.
For the item that's one of this year's biggest choices:
Creatures that respond to their masters’ voices.

There's D-Rex the dinosaur, Biscuit the pup
And Wall-E the robot – they're grabbing 'em up!
It's a kid's fondest power-trip dream that's come true –
Finally, someone they can tell what to do!

Yet another new Elmo has set sales a-boomin';
It's creepy how he becomes more and more human!
Now he plays games, tells stories and blows flying kisses
If he wants to impress ME, he'll wash all my dishes!

Parents practically need to enlist a translator
To decipher the code spoken by their teenager:
"IDK if want a DS or a Wii
"Or a PS2 Silver or PS3 80GB."

Is he babbling in tongues? Is he speaking in Greek?
What are these strange acronyms of which he speaks?
Rolling his eyes, the kid deigns to assist them,
"OMG, Mom and Dad, it's a gaming system!"

And lest Hannah Montana should put her to shame,
Even trusty old Barbie has video games!
She's gotta keep up with the Joneses – and Jonases;
So she offers a sleigh-load of electronic bonuses!

But don't be disheartened by technology's sway;
Introduce kids to stuff we loved back in the day.
All the classic playthings from the Toy Hall of Fame –
Off the top of my head, here's a few I can name:

There's Lite-Brite! There's Slinky!
There's Tonkas and Play-Doh!
ViewMaster and Twister!
And Big Wheels and Lego!
To the top of the shelves!
To the stores and the malls!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!

Getting back to the basics can save you some dough
In these hardscrabble times when finances are low.
If your kids bellyache, bellow, bluster and bawl,
Remind them of those who'll get nothing at all!

I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

'Tis a month before Christmas and all through the house,
Shopping is done with the click of a mouse;
By people avoiding the fierce toy store brawls
Of maniacal mobs surging through local malls.

Where once they left early to line up at the doors,
They now browse and surf through the Internet stores.
No price-checks, no cart wrecks, no sore, aching feet,
No need to get out of that cushy desk seat!

No long checkout lines and no NASCAR-like races
As they zoom 'round and 'round, searching for parking spaces.
No hundred-pound packages weighing them down,
No schlepping to every darn store in the town!

No guilt for ignoring the bell-ringing guy
Who asks for donations and smiles when they lie,
"I've only got plastic," they sputter and spout.
"I'll get change and give when I'm on my way out."

They kick back in comfort, not a moment of stress;
Their version of Santa works for UPS.
He'll bring gifts to put under their Christmas trees -
(Or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, whichever you please.)

The sites offer lists of this year's hottest toys
Sure to bring lots of cheer to indulged girls and boys,
Who've made lists of their own that stretch on for years,
And the parents just can't disappoint the little dears.

There's Jamal's gas scooter - oh, how he did beg!
Although fueling it up costs and arm and a leg!
For Ashley, let's see ... what makes her go bananas?
The Cheetah Girls, Barbie and Hannah Montana!

Little Dexter wants gifts in a scholarly vein,
So what can you buy that will challenge his brain?
The Mad Science lab won't cause chemical troubles,
It's safe and non-toxic - it only makes bubbles!

Or how 'bout a toy with a slight retro flair?
It's now electronic, but its shape is still square.
The multi-hued cube's undergone evolution;
Now featuring games, it's Rubik's Revolution!

Miguel wants to party - you know, like a rock star,
So get him the popular Power Tour gee-tar!
Or if he is more of the Nintendo breed,
Then perhaps "Guitar Hero" would be more his speed.

Or maybe your game-boy's a tinier tyke,
Just right for a Smart Cycle video bike.
If cuddly critters will bring him more joy,
Then buy him a Zoobie, the three-in-one toy!

For the teen who's a fan of the film "Office Space,"
There's a gift sure to bring a big smile to his face.
Yeah, you're gonna need to go ahead and pay
For a talking Lumbergh doll - that would be great, m'kay?

There's something for everyone, that is a promise;
There's Transformers, Legos, an engine named Thomas.
And i-Sing and iPhones and bionic eyes,
For youngsters of all ages, genders and size.

It's all close at hand, at your mere fingertips,
No more shopping-mall crowds packed in hip-to-hip!
It might hurt your wallet, but take heed of this:
You won't suffer more than a slightly sprained wrist!