LOVE AT FIRST BITE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Millions of readers have entered the “Twilight” Zone. Not the one inhabited by Rod Serling and the otherworldly "doo-doo-doo-doo" theme song, but a world created by novelist Stephenie Meyer, in which a boy named Edward Cullen is so besotted with a girl named Bella Swan that it’s all he can do to keep from killing her.

Not that Bella would mind Edward taking aim at her jugular – the result would level the playing field considerably. You see, Edward is a vampire, while Bella is not.

Though targeted at young adults, “Twilight” and its sequels, “New Moon,” “Eclipse,” and
“Breaking Dawn” are ridiculously popular among readers of all ages, including yours truly. The series has spent a combined 160-plus weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list and the big-screen debut of “Twilight” is set to hit theaters next month.

Meyer’s vampires aren’t the bloodsuckers of lore – they never sleep, they’re visible in the daytime, and they won’t throw a hissy fit if you sprinkle a little garlic on your pasta. In fact, Edward and his family are more protectors than predators of humans, preferring to hunt woodland creatures than two-legged ones. Aside from their stunning physical beauty and vamp-specific powers, they’re startlingly human…ish.

As much as I adore this new, romantic breed of vampire, I also love the campy vamps of yesteryear – capes, fangs, bat-morphing and all. Whether you’re from the old school or the new guard, one thing’s for sure: It’s not an easy life. If it’s not that #$%* Buffy trying to slay you all the time, it’s wicked morning breath and bloodstained teeth. What vampires save on food and drink, they spend on whitening strips. And you think bed-hair is a pain? Try pulling a comb through coffin-hair!

Sure, immortality might sound cool, but do you REALLY want to be around for “High School Musical 54: The Reunion – Let’s See Who Got Super-Fat”?

On the flip side, there are a few advantages to being a vampire:

* You raise “sleeping in” to a fine art.
* You’ll never need Botox or plastic surgery.
* No worries about health insurance.
* You don’t have to get a job.
* No grocery bills.
* Lightning speed that makes Superman look like Supersnail.
* Slim chance you’ll ever get food poisoning.
* No soul, no guilt!
* So what if you don’t cast a reflection in the mirror? You always look marvelous.
* You don’t have to worry about Daylight Savings Time.
* No need to kill your enemies … just outlive them.
* A 20-year prison sentence feels like 20 days.
* Bloody Mary night at the local bar.
* Your clothes will come back in style over and over … and over.

And last but not least, one of the best things about being a vampire is when someone says, “You suck!” you can take it as a compliment.

HIGH SCHOOL (GEOGRAPHY) MUSICAL 2

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

I've always been something of a geography buff. As a kid, I cherished my Atlases more than Barbies because if I needed to find a particular city, state or country, the only place Barbie could point me to was Malibu.

I awaited my parents' annual AAA membership renewal the way most kids anticipated Santa's arrival. Toys break, but maps last forever! And I aced Ms. Clark's ninth-grade geography class despite spending much of the period passing notes to my best friend (who got a D).

It saddens me to see how few people today seem to value geography, a fact recently driven home by a young friend who was surprised to learn that the "state of New Orleans" is actually a city in Louisiana.

Don't take geography for granted. It can equip you with valuable skills you'll need later in life — like, "George Eats Old Grey Rats And Paints Houses Yellow," which won't help you pass geography, but it will teach you how to at least spell it. A little geography know-how also goes a long way when it comes to map-reading — or as we ladies like to call it, "asking for directions."

Even stronger than my geography jones is my love of music, which probably explains why I know so many songs about geographical locations — and why I took another online message board user to task for including The Rolling Stones' "Sweet Virginia" in a list of tunes about U.S. states. Fact: It's about a girl, not our 10th state.

Anyhoo, let's continue the list I began in my last column featuring songs about Alabama through Massachusetts. Many of these were culled from my own collection and the musical Atlas in my brain, while others required extensive Internet research 'cause there ain't exactly a catalog of songs about Utah.

Without further ado, here's Michigan through Wyoming ... plus one to grow on:

* Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Especially in Michigan"

* Weird Al Yankovic, "Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota"

* Mountain, "Mississippi Queen"

* Ringo Starr, "Missouri Loves Company"

* Frank Zappa, "Montana"

* Bruce Springsteen, "Nebraska"

* Mark Knopfler, "Sands of Nevada"

* Sonic Youth, "New Hampshire"

* John Gorka, "I'm From New Jersey" ("It's like Ohio, but even more so.")

* Jill Sobule, "Somewhere in New Mexico"

* Billy Joel, "New York State of Mind"

* Melissa Ferrick, "North Carolina"

* Lyle Lovett, "North Dakota"

* Damien Jurado, "Ohio"

* Vince Gill, "Oklahoma Rising"

* Loretta Lynn, "Portland, Oregon"

* Glenn Miller Orchestra, "Pennsylvania 6-5000" (Also covered by the Brian Setzer Orchestra)

* Ike & Tina Turner, "Sweet Rhode Island Red"

* Archers of Loaf, "South Carolina"

* Liz Phair, "South Dakota"

* Arrested Development, "Tennessee"

* George Strait, "All My Exes Live in Texas"

* Camper Van Beethoven, "The History of Utah"

* Billie Holiday, "Moonlight in Vermont"

* Blessid Union of Souls, "Oh Virginia"

* Woody Guthrie, "Washington Talkin' Blues"

* Neil Sedaka "Wheeling, West Virginia"

* The Dead Milkmen, "I'm Living in Wisconsin"

* John Denver, "Song of Wyoming"

** BONUS: Ellis Paul, "Washington, D.C. 5/91"

STATES OF THE ART

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Seems Hurricane Fay wasn’t the only thing out to sea when I wrote my last column. In my sleep-deprived delirium, I forgot my ABC’s and omitted the letter F from my list of hurricane names. So, first things first:

* Hurricane Federline: An ill wind frontin’ like it’s got mad hurricane skillz.

There. I feel better. Now on to this week's subject …
In its quest to hip-up the state’s image, the Oklahoma Rock Song Advisory Panel has picked 10 nominees for its official state rock 'n' roll song, including JJ Cale's "After Midnight," Leon Russell's "Home Sweet Oklahoma," Elvis Presley's "Heartbreak Hotel," and for cool-kid cred, The Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"

Personally, my first thought was Bruce Springsteen's "My Oklahoma Home," but the line, "When I bent and kissed her, she was picked up by a twister" ain't exactly a ringing endorsement for tourism. My second thought was, "The Flaming Lips is a really stupid name for a band."

Then my thoughts turned to Ohio-oriented tunes. Of course, there's our official rock song, The McCoys' "Hang On, Sloopy," inspired by a Steubenville woman who apparently lived in a very bad part of town where everybody tried to put her down. Then there's "Ohio," Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's reaction to the 1970 Kent State shootings, and The Pretenders' "My City Was Gone," Chrissie Hynde's diatribe against pollution and commercial overgrowth in Akron, her hometown.

My next thought: "Man, are all songs about Ohio this depressing?" Thankfully, I was able to conjure up a tune that doesn’t make me want to hurl myself into a pit of starving piranhas: Randy Newman's "Dayton, Ohio 1903," is a charming vignette of a lazy Sunday in a simpler time: Sing a song of long ago/When things were green and movin’ slow/And people stopped to say hello.

Here's the first installment of my list of U.S.-themed tunes. Some are oldies, some are indies, some are obvious and others are obscure, but you’re sure to find something to suit your state of mind.

* Jimmy Buffett, "Stars Fell on Alabama"

* The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black, "Going to Alaska"

* Wilco, "Hotel Arizona"

* Michelle Shocked, "Arkansas Traveler"

* The Mamas & The Papas, "California Dreamin'"

* Johnny Cash, "You Wild Colorado"

* PrimeRib, "Rock 'n' Roll Connecticut"

* Perry Como, "Delaware" (What did Delaware? She wore her New Jersey, boys!)

* Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band, "Florida Time"

* Gladys Knight & The Pips, "Midnight Train to Georgia"

* Elvis Presley, "Blue Hawaii"

* B52's, "Private Idaho"

* Dan Fogelberg, "Illinois"

* Jackson 5, "Goin' Back to Indiana"

* Dar Williams, "Iowa (Traveling III)"

* Ashanti, "Kansas"

* Neil Diamond, "Kentucky Woman"

* John Lee Hooker, "Goin' to Louisiana"

* John Linnell (of They Might Be Giants), "Maine" (from the album, State Songs, on which 15 of 16 tracks are named for U.S. states)

* Vonda Shepard, "Maryland"

* The BeeGees, "Massachusetts"

Tune in next time for Michigan through Washington. And don't worry about omissions … I've hired a couple of first-graders to sing the alphabet while I type.

ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

As a kid, I often wondered how hurricanes got their names and how I could become an Official Hurricane Namer. As a grown-up kid, my curiosity was re-piqued by Hurricane Fay’s southern onslaught, so I turned to that info-seekers’ Bible known as Wikipedia.

Turns out they’ve been using the same six lists of names since 1979. The lists are recycled every six years, except in the case of exceptionally destructive storms (e.g., 2005’s Katrina), whose names are retired by the National Hurricane Center. What this means is that we could be reading about Fay again in 2014, 2020, 2026, ad infinitum. Bo-ring.

Since this column is as close as I’ll ever get to the real thing, I hereby declare myself DDN’s Official Hurricane Namer. I’m 86’ing unimaginative handles like Larry and Gert, and dubbing these destructive dynamos with names that do them justice. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my answer to the NHC’s rehashed lists, in alphabetical order:

Aniston: Lovely to look at and probably a very nice hurricane, but men still run from it.

Bob Dylan: The answer, my friend – as well as your house and car – is blowin’ in the wind.

Cowell: You call yourself a hurricane? You’re terrible! Just abominable!

Diddy: Name of storm subject to change without notice.

Elvis: Its gyrations have been known to drive women crazy.

Federline: Just an ill wind frontin’ like it’s got mad hurricane skillz.
NOTE: It bears mentioning that when I originally wrote this column for publication in the Dayton Daily News, I was in the throes of sleep-deprived delirium and omitted the letter F. So YOU, dear blog readers, are getting both the P.S. version AND a preview of the "correction" I intend to include in my next column!

Gibson: Speeds along drunkenly, targeting religious minorities and law enforcement officers.

Halle: Considered the most beautiful hurricane by weather geeks in awe of her warm front.

Isaac Hayes: They say this storm is a bad mother … shut yo’ mouth!

Jacko: Tends to lighten up quickly. Meteorologists are puzzled by its inexplicable gravitation toward young boys.

Kutcher: Gale-force wind machine + 3 million gallons of water = Dude, you just got PUNK'D!

Lavigne: Not as tough as it thinks it is; tends to go and makes things so complicated.

Madonna: Starts out vibrant and lusty before deteriorating to a withered, dusty shell.

Napoleon Dynamite: It’s, like, only the sweetest flippin’ hurricane of all time, freakin’ idiot!

Oprah: Characterized by fluctuations in size; a bit ostentatious.

Perez Hilton: Tags along after bigger, more well-known storms, bellowing hot air and leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

Queen: Any way this wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me.

Rihanna: So torrid and tempestuous, you’ll need more protection than an umbrella (ella, ella).

Springer: Deceptively benign façade; its lunar pull causes unsightly simpletons to fight and/or disrobe.

Tony Soprano: Unearths all them stoolies that was sleepin’ wit’ da fishes … unless they’re wearin’ cement shoes.

Uma: Not dangerous unless you’re Ethan Hawke’s ex-nanny-turned-new-wife.

Vanna: Without her, Hurricane Pat would’ve been just another low-grade tropical storm.

Wang Chung: In spite of the wreck and ruin, it ensures everybody will have fun tonight.

Xena: She’ll hit ya hard … and make ya like it.

Yoko: Notorious for emitting a high-pitched screech not unlike a cat undergoing a root canal. Without anesthesia.

Zellweger: Best viewed while cutely squinching up one’s face.

IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING NICE, EMAIL IT

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Earlier this week, a buddy and I were bemoaning the fact that technology – specifically electronic communication – is turning human interaction into a thing of the past. Fittingly, our conversation took place via email.

Gone are the days of opening my mailbox to find a friend’s kid gap-toothily grinning up from a school picture paper-clipped to a dog-eared letter chronicling the events of the past year in rambling fashion. Nowadays, I receive emails with links to personal pages showcasing 1.3-megapixel photos of baby Jaden’s new tooth or streaming video of little Madison’s debut in the kindergarten production of “High School Musical.”

It’s getting so that couples “date” six months before they even meet in person and “how we met” stories are peppered with phrases like “cyber-dating” and “hookup.com.”

Now, not only can you whisper sweet nothings via email, you can pass along not-so-sweet somethings as well. Got a co-worker who’s a bit, um, “aromatic,” and you don’t know how to tell him? If wearing a gas mask doesn’t clue him in and you’re not comfortable giving him a gift basket from Bath & Body Works, then NiceCritic.com is the way to go.

The site, which launched on July 4, calls itself “the anonymous way to send a helpful message” and allows you to send emails that can’t be traced to you or your computer. In other words, it’s a nice way to say mean things without taking responsibility. Site developer Erik Riesenberg got the idea when a friend who’d had several drinks, informed him that he really needed to trim his nose hair.

While getting liquored up is one way of gaining the courage to speak your mind, it’s bad for your liver and your safety. Plus, it’s frowned upon at most workplaces. Instead, consult NiceCritic.com, where the “helpful messages” fall into several categories, including:

* Personal Hygiene: “A breath mint would be beneficial today” sounds so much nicer than, “Dude, your breath is kickin’ like Jackie Chan!”

* Appearance: “It seems like your thong is showing” is a tip for which any colleague would be grateful. Unless she’s an exotic dancer.

* Office Behavior: If your glazed expression and gaping yawn doesn’t get your point across, try this gentle hint: “Stories about your kids are not as interesting as they used to be.”

* Cubicle Critic: “Please be courteous with the copier” is more discreet than publicly proclaiming, “You left these photocopies of your butt on the Xerox last night, Bob. Nice tattoo.”

* Neighborly Suggestions: “Please remember to close your blinds/curtains in the evening” is infinitely more courteous than, “Man, your wife is NOT aging well!”

Other categories are “Thoughts for Schoolmates,” “Sports Etiquette,” and “General Behavior,” which features my personal favorite, “You don't release your hug in a timely manner.”

If anyone decides to send me a NiceCritic.com message, I can only hope it’s something from the “Anonymous Praise” section rather than a heads-up that, “There seems to be some back-hair poking out of your shirt collar.”

THEY OUGHTA REPLACE AUTO-REPLACE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Talk about creating headlines!

In late June, the conservative American Family Association shot itself in the collective foot by relying on technology to "clean up" stories on its Web site, OneNewsNow. Instead of simply republishing the Associated Press news feed in its original format, the Web wizards behind ONN first run an automated word filter to nice up the language so it more closely conforms to AFA values and terminology preferences. Apparently, they've never heard of a nifty little practice we in the news biz call "proofreading."

Had they done a final read-through before posting a recent sports article, they wouldn't have had to tidy up the mess made by their own overzealous clean-up efforts. By using auto-replace to enforce its policy of substituting the word "gay" with a more clinical term, AFA/ONN wound up running a story under the headline, "Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials."

That would be quite a victory — an unabashedly out, loud and proud athlete representing his country in the Olympics ... except the auto-replaced "gay" in question is the runner's last name. As in world-class sprinter Tyson Gay.

OOPS.

In the wake of this glaring goof and the ensuing embarrassment, the AFA has corrected all of its online articles referring to "Tyson Homosexual." But no amount of correcting can fix such a flagrant faux pas 'cause you just can't undo stupid.

Imagine if this practice was implemented in the entertainment world. We'd be listening to the old-school soul of Marvin Homosexual and the gritty blues of John Lee Prostitute. We'd watch James Bond canoodling with Octokitty and bad guys getting head-kicked by martial arts master Jean-Claude Van Darnit. And I don't even wanna think about how auto-replace would deal with the name Dick Van Dyke.

AFA/ONN's blunder is an example of "the clbuttic effect," in which obscenity-filtering software goes all wonky in its quest to find every occurrence of a word deemed offensive and swap it out for a more acceptable synonym. As the anecdote goes, one anti-profanity system substituted "butt" for each instance of a common, one-syllable euphemism that rhymes with "brass." Unfortunately, the software couldn't distinguish between this three-letter word by itself and when it occurred as part of a larger word — hence, "classic" became "clbuttic." As a result, somewhere in the heartland of America is a sweet, very confused little old lady who still can't figure out why John Hinckley tried to "buttbuttinate" President Reagan!

That's why I'm glad my editor doesn't rely solely on technology to catch any errors I might make in my columns. If something as atrocious as the Tyson Gay gaffe were to make it into print, I'd be pretty embarrbutted.

KEEPIN' IT REAL ... EIGHTIES STYLE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

With leggings, wraparound shades and man-perms on the comeback, it makes sense that a show starring two of the biggest teen idols of the 1980s is a hit with the 18-49 demographic. "The Two Coreys" features longtime friends Feldman and Haim, once among Hollywood’s fastest-living, hardest-partying young actors. Older, wiser and with smaller hair, the lost-but-now-found boys are sharing a house and their deepest secrets with millions of reality television junkies.

Why stop with the Coreys? Why not make "A&E" stand for "All Eighties" – as in "All-Eighties-All-Reality-All-The-Time"? The decade is a glorious junkyard littered with pop-culture castoffs, has-beens, never-weres and long-forgotten-abouts … they’d never run out of subjects! I don’t know about you, but I’d definitely spend an hour catching up on what John Oates’ mustache has been doing since 1987!

I’m not the only one who’d tune in. An email survey of respected experts (translation: friends who spent the 80s like I did: on their couches) revealed that not only are folks nostalgic for the era when everyone was "Footloose" and girls just wanted to have fun, they’ve got some pretty intriguing ideas as well:

"Get the cast of 'The Cosby Show' back together. I think they all left hating each other, so that could be some good TV. Cosby and Lisa Bonet could finally have it out. Rudy, all grown up, could have a show-mance with her TV brother." – Sandy Newman, 42, Miamisburg.

"I'd like to see the original cast of 'The Facts of Life' on something akin to 'Survivor.' Tootie would kick some serious butt, but Natalie would win 'cause that girl, she just knew how to play sides. Plus, wouldn't it be fun to see Blair have to go without a blow dryer?" – Tonija Allman, 36, Palmdale Calif.

"Cyndi Lauper. She seems so (bleeping) cheerful all the time. I'd like to see her (ticked) off and yelling – with rainbow hair, assuming it hasn't all fallen out. I'd like to see her be rude to people who recognized her in the supermarket – or weep with gratitude." – Kim Rawley, “old enough to remember the 80s,” Palmdale, Calif.

"Whatever happened to that little girl from 'Small Wonder'? I watched the show and it ain’t no small wonder her career went into the crapper." – Sal Chavez, 36, Hawthorne, Calif.

"I would love a reality show with Axl Rose – that’s a volatile character! Remember when Axl and Tommy Hilfiger duked it out a few years ago? They could set up a rematch, a UFC cage match. It could be a charity fundraiser; the money could go to the Axl’s Kids Fund, an organization that assists has-been metal singers who need to get a life!" – DJ Tim Dylan, Mix 107.7’s (WMMX) “Saturday Night Mix” live from Julia’s Nite Club, Centerville.

Personally, I think Corey Feldman, who co-produces "The Two Coreys," should track down his fellow "Goonies" for a reality reunion. If nothing else, it’d be worth it to see 34-year-old Chunk do the "Truffle Shuffle."