BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
For 26 years, PNC Wealth Management of Pittsburgh has entertained and educated bankers, brokers, students and shoppers alike with its annual "Christmas Price Index,” a cost assessment of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" if purchased at current prices. According to the latest tabulation, the whole kit and caboodle would run you $87,403 – up $800 from last year.
If you’re like me (translation: as broke as a sailor after three days ashore), there’s no way you could finance even a fraction of that figure, and besides, where ya gonna find a single maid a-milking, let alone eight? And unless those hens are wearing tiny berets and clucking “Frère Jacques,” how can you really be sure they’re French?
There are many less expensive, easier-to-obtain alternatives to the presents listed in the holiday tune. Compare the costs of these substitute gifts to the price tags on their traditional counterparts, and if your true love isn’t overjoyed by your offerings, your wallet will be.
* Traditional gift: A partridge in a pear tree - $159.99
* Cheaper alternative: Green parakeet - $21.99 at Petsmart, plus two pounds of juicy pear Jelly Belly beans from Amazon.com - $15. (Feeding Jelly Bellies to parakeet not recommended.)
* Traditional: Two turtle doves - $55.98
* Alternative: Two Dove Chocolate turtle martinis – After tossing back a couple of these, you won’t care about the cost.
* Traditional: Three French hens - $45
* Alternative: Three French hams - $27 (IdealCheese.com). Let’s face it, those hens are destined for the soup pot, anyway, so why not buy your food already dead?
* Traditional: Four calling birds - $599.96
* Alternative: Four bird callers - $13.48 (Amazon.com). Not for use during wabbit-huntin’ season.
* Traditional: Five golden rings - $499.95
* Alternative: Five rolls of Butter Rum Lifesavers – Candyfavorites.com offers a 20-roll box for $17.41.
* Traditional: Six geese a-laying - $150
* Alternative: “The Harlem Globetrotters: Six Decades of Magic” on VHS. Features early ‘trotter Reese "Goose" Tatum, possibly doing lay-ups, $1.99 (Amazon.com)
* Traditional: Seven swans a-swimming - $52.50
* Alternative: Seven scoops of Schwan's ice cream a-swimming in the syrup of your choice - $5 to $6 per half-gallon at various stores. Bonus: It’s easier to clean up than swan poop.
* Traditional: Eight maids a-milking - $58
* Alternative: “Watersing” by The Singing Milkmaids, $15 at CDBaby.com. Who can forget such hits as “My Johnny was a Shoemaker” and “Cheese and Curds and Whey”?
* Traditional: Nine ladies dancing - $5,473.07
* Alternative: Numerous ladies dancing at assorted “adult” establishments around town – Cover charge plus dollar bills for G-string-stuffing.
* Traditional: Ten lords a-leaping - $4,413.61
* Alternative: “The Michael Flatley Collection,” three two-sided DVDs featuring “The Lord of the Dance” for the low, low price of $18.99 at Amazon.com.
* Traditional: Eleven pipers piping - $2,284.80
* Alternative: Amazon’s entire stock of Zamfir's "Pipe Dreams" - $75.90. Hey, somebody’s gotta buy ‘em.
* Traditional: Twelve drummers drumming - $2,475.20
* Alternative: One out-of-work garage-band drummer – Fifty bucks, all the eggnog he can drink, plus he gets to crash on your couch for two weeks.
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