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BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL'Tis a month before Christmas and all through the house,Shopping is done with the click of a mouse;By people avoiding the fierce toy store brawlsOf maniacal mobs surging through local malls.Where once they left early to line up at the doors,They now browse and surf through the Internet stores.No price-checks, no cart wrecks, no sore, aching feet,No need to get out of that cushy desk seat!No long checkout lines and no NASCAR-like racesAs they zoom 'round and 'round, searching for parking spaces.No hundred-pound packages weighing them down,No schlepping to every darn store in the town!No guilt for ignoring the bell-ringing guyWho asks for donations and smiles when they lie,"I've only got plastic," they sputter and spout."I'll get change and give when I'm on my way out."They kick back in comfort, not a moment of stress;Their version of Santa works for UPS.He'll bring gifts to put under their Christmas trees -(Or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, whichever you please.)The sites offer lists of this year's hottest toysSure to bring lots of cheer to indulged girls and boys,Who've made lists of their own that stretch on for years,And the parents just can't disappoint the little dears.There's Jamal's gas scooter - oh, how he did beg!Although fueling it up costs and arm and a leg!For Ashley, let's see ... what makes her go bananas?The Cheetah Girls, Barbie and Hannah Montana!Little Dexter wants gifts in a scholarly vein,So what can you buy that will challenge his brain?The Mad Science lab won't cause chemical troubles,It's safe and non-toxic - it only makes bubbles!Or how 'bout a toy with a slight retro flair?It's now electronic, but its shape is still square.The multi-hued cube's undergone evolution;Now featuring games, it's Rubik's Revolution!Miguel wants to party - you know, like a rock star,So get him the popular Power Tour gee-tar!Or if he is more of the Nintendo breed,Then perhaps "Guitar Hero" would be more his speed.Or maybe your game-boy's a tinier tyke,Just right for a Smart Cycle video bike.If cuddly critters will bring him more joy,Then buy him a Zoobie, the three-in-one toy!For the teen who's a fan of the film "Office Space,"There's a gift sure to bring a big smile to his face.Yeah, you're gonna need to go ahead and payFor a talking Lumbergh doll - that would be great, m'kay?There's something for everyone, that is a promise;There's Transformers, Legos, an engine named Thomas.And i-Sing and iPhones and bionic eyes,For youngsters of all ages, genders and size.It's all close at hand, at your mere fingertips,No more shopping-mall crowds packed in hip-to-hip!It might hurt your wallet, but take heed of this:You won't suffer more than a slightly sprained wrist!
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL Ozzy Osbourne has done some insane things in his day, but his next display of lunacy and wild abandon will take the proverbial cake. Alert the paparazzi: The Prince of Darkness is going to – yikes! – host a Thanksgiving dinner.
On Nov. 18, four lucky metalheads will be singing, “Over the river and through Hollywood, to Ozz-father’s house we go!” as they reap the benefits of the “Thanksgiving with Ozzy” contest sponsored by mobile media company SendMe and concert/tour promoters AEG Live. At SendMe’s sweepstakes site, SoLow.com, Ozzy fans are bidding until 9 a.m. today for the chance to celebrate an early Turkey Day at the Osbournes’ new pad in Los Angeles.
Makes sense to me. After all, when you hear the word “Thanksgiving,” who doesn’t immediately think of a doddering, incoherent middle-aged Englishman in Spandex? But hey, different strokes … one man’s garbage is another man’s giblets, right?
The winning contestant will claim the grand prize, which includes round-trip airfare for the winner and three friends, $500 cash, hotel accommodations in L.A. and San Diego (I believe head-banger protocol dictates the trashing of said hotel rooms) and a concert in the latter city featuring Ozzy and Rob Zombie. But the pièce de résistance – or the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie, as it were – is the opportunity to watch Ozzy do something few have ever seen him do.
Will he utter a full sentence without using profanity?
Will he bite the head off a live turkey?
Will he mistake the gravy boat for a urinal?
No, no and no. Puh-leese … such banalities are the stuff of everyday life for a madman like Ozzy. What he has in store for his guests will shock, awe and undoubtedly change their view of their idol forever. In fact, they could very well be rendered permanently mute after the sight of – Warning: Parental Discretion Advised – Ozzy preparing his famous Yorkshire pudding.
The Ozz-man is famous for many things – his years with Black Sabbath, his solo career, his MTV reality show – and infamous for many others – see above references to profanity, animal head-biting and publicly relieving himself. But seeing his name in the same sentence with “famous Yorkshire pudding” has to be a first.
I can only imagine what the dinnertime conversation will be like:
Ozzy: “Bloody ‘ell! I can’t (bleeping) work this (bleeping) electric knife (unintelligible rambling).”
Sharon: “Just take the (bleeping) thing and – down, Minnie! No! Bad dog!”
Kelly: “Mum! That contest person is (bleeping) staring at my (bleeps)!”
Ozzy: (Gibberish)
Sharon: “Minnie, no! We don’t do that to the guest’s leg! Naughty girl!”
Kelly: “Mum! Dad! (Bleeping) make him stop! Sigh … no one (bleeping) listens to me!”
Contest winner: “No one listens to your music … why should they listen to you talk?”
Ah, but I jest. To be honest, I have a soft spot for the oddly-functional-within-dysfunction Osbournes, and I’d love to be a fly on the wall during the Ozz-festivities. If nothing else, it would be worth it to hear Ozzy channeling Pink Floyd as he chides Jack and Kelly, “How can you have any Yorkshire pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
Love and marriage might go together like a horse and carriage, but it seems celebrities and marriage go together like Britney Spears and underpants. What is it about fame that dooms a marriage before the ink on the license has dried?
In the time it’s taken you to read this far, a Hollywood starlet has married, divorced, re-wed, had a couple of extramarital affairs and booked an appearance on “Maury” to determine who’s her baby’s daddy.
Once upon a time, celebrity marriages were cause for glad tidings of great joy: “Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? Lovely couple! They’ll last forever.” (Forty-nine years and counting!) Now, they’re the basis for office betting pools: “Avril Lavigne and that guy from that band? Two years. A year and a half if she writes another song like ‘Girlfriend’.”
The troubled Ms. Spears holds the record for shortest celebrity marriage – 55 hours of wedded bliss to childhood friend Jason Alexander. She beat out Zsa Zsa Gabor, who spent one day in 1982 as Mrs. Felipe Whatever (when you’re on Hubby No. 8, are names really important?), but the union was declared invalid because Zsa-squared was still married to her previous husband.
To be fair, we hear about the marriages that don’t make it because misery sells, merriment doesn’t. Vendors would have to throw in a free Bowflex and home visits by Billy Blanks to unload tabloids boasting, “Couple remains happy and faithful for yet another year!” Unless one-half of the couple was, say, Bigfoot.
We hear about the flops, but many have proven it can be done. Legendary actors Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee were married almost 57 years when Davis died in 2005. Bill and Camille Cosby, 43 years. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, 25 years. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, 19 years. Jon Bon Jovi and non-celeb wife Dorothea, 18 years. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn never legally married, but they’ve been together 24 years. Musician John Lydon has been with his wife more than 20 years – and we’re talking about a guy best known as Johnny Rotten!
Obviously, today’s young stars could take a page from the book of love written by the “old-timers” (with the exception of Zsa Zsa, of course). Susan Sarandon, who’s been with partner Tim Robbins for 19 years, said in 2005, “I'm certainly not an expert, but Tim and I just celebrated 17 years together, which in Hollywood years I think is 45. I think the key is just focusing on this one person and not keeping one eye on the door to see who might be better.”
In other words, the “something borrowed” at a wedding should not be someone else’s husband or wife.
If the kids don’t want to listen to their elders, perhaps they’ll heed the advice of a peer. "You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up. We have something called naked Sundays,” says Christina Aguilera of life with music exec Jordan Bratman, her husband of almost two years. “We don't need to go anywhere, we're just with each other. We do everything naked. We cook naked.”
Hmm. Maybe if Britney had shed more than her skivvies, she’d still be Mrs. K-Fed.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
From Andy Griffith’s bucolic Mayberry, N.C., to the Simpsons’ where-in-the-world-is Springfield, television is a wonderland of fictional towns. You’d think with it being entertainment and all, they’d come up with more entertaining names.I’ll overlook drama series in this case; they’re supposed to be serious. But when it comes to cartoons and comedies, I want my made-up municipalities to sound like fun places, places I’d want to visit in real life. Sure, you get the occasional Quahog (“Family Guy”) or Bikini Bottom (“SpongeBob SquarePants”), but even animated towns are becoming anything but. Why can’t “King of the Hill” be set in, say, Bubba’s Rump, Texas, instead of – yawn – Arlen?
Even the melodramatic milieu of soap operas is dominated by drably dubbed burgs like Pine Valley, Pa. (“All My Children”), where I’ve not seen a single pine except at Christmas, though the town does boast its very own ocean – despite being located in the middle of the state. (Apparently, passing geography isn’t a prerequisite for becoming a soap writer.)
If TV writers are running out of ideas for colorful backdrops, I’ve got a solution: Get thee to an Atlas. This timeless book of maps yields more unusual names than you can shake a script at. Wouldn’t you be more intrigued by a show set in Rough and Ready, Calif., than Sunnyvale? Who knows - maybe “Northern Exposure” would still be on the air if it took place in Manley Hot Springs, Alaska, instead of Cicely.
Picture this: A prime-time roster of programs of with similarly themed settings. You could visit the denizens of Butts, Ga., Fannie, Ark., and Moon, Pa. If you prefer sports-related sitcoms, you could spend an evening with the folks in Umpire, Ariz., Centerfield, Ohio, and Ball Ground, Ga. For legal drama fans, there’d be courtroom battles in Lawyersville, N.Y., and Justice, Ill.
Imagine if the nightly lineup featured shows set in:
* Mummie, Ky., and Egypt, Maine.
* Lolita, Texas, and Vixen, La.
* Opportunity, Mont., and Last Chance, Colo.
* Santa Claus, Ga., North Pole, N.Y., and Big Chimney, W.Va.
* Lickskillet, Ky., and Frying Pan Landing, N.C.
* Intercourse, Pa., and Protection, Kan.
* Energy, Ill., Power, Idaho, and Electric City, Wash.
* What Cheer, Iowa, Happy Corner, N.H., and Carefree, Ariz.
* Why, Ariz., and Whynot, Miss.
* Beggs, Okla., and Panhandle, Texas.
* Chicken, Alaska, and Rice, Kan.
* Peculiar, Mo., and Odd, W.Va.
* Marco, Fla., and Polo, Ill.
* Friendship, Maine, and Social Circle, Ga.
* Rollingstone, Minn., and Moss, Miss.
* LaVerne, Calif., and Shirley, Mass.
* Riddle, Ore., and Enigma, Ga.
* Romance, Ark., and Loving, Texas.
* Gas, Kan., and Belchertown, Mass.
* Mexican Water, Ariz., and Los Baños, Calif.
* Cowlic, Ariz., and Brush, Colo.
* Mayo, Fla., and Sandwich, Mass.
* Coldfoot, Ark., and Shoemakersville, Pa.
* Parchment, Mich., and Ink, Ark.
* Mars, Pa., and Jupiter, Fla.
* Coffee, Ala., Toast, N.C., Two Egg., Fla., and Bacon, Ind.
If TV writers insist on sticking with boring, normal town names, let’s hope those names are Boring, Md., and Normal, Ill.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHALI’ve never been much for horror films of the slash-and-gore variety. Such movies are a large part of why I don’t go camping. Everyone knows a tent full of humans is basically a burrito in the eyes of a hockey-masked killer. However, if the movie has a hint of dark comedy, I’ll give it a shot, which is how I got hooked into the “Scream” trilogy. While watching a rerun of the first installment on cable a few nights ago, I was reminded of two things: 1) Jamie Kennedy’s performance as Randy the resident film geek almost makes up for “Malibu’s Most Wanted,” and 2) Randy’s rules for surviving a horror movie are invariably true – especially, “Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, ‘I'll be right back.’ Because you won't be back.” (Unless, of course, you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger.)Movies come with a set of regulations all their own. For instance, all you need is a pair of glasses to keep your friends from recognizing the resemblance between you and your superhero alter ego. And if you find yourself outnumbered by bad guys, don’t worry – they always have the courtesy to attack you one at a time. The others will dance around menacingly while waiting their turns. Other filmdom rules of thumb:
* You can fire a six-shooter at least eight times without reloading.* In the unlikely event that you run out of bullets, a comrade will sneak up and shoot the bad guy in the back.* A bad guy can unload a machine gun and miss the broad side of a barn, but a good guy can take out an entire hit squad with one bullet.* One twin is always evil.* Amnesia as the result of a bump on the head is cured by another bump on the head.* You will always have exact change for cab fare. Sometimes you don’t have to pay at all. * If you need to see an important news bulletin, it will air the second you turn on the TV.* Ventilation ducts are always large enough to crawl through. And they’re never turned on. And they’ll always lead you to an escape route.* No matter how fast you run and how slowly the killer walks, he will catch you.* When driving, it’s perfectly safe to look everywhere except at the road.* If you break into song and dance on a busy street, traffic will stop and everyone will know the words and steps.* When staying in a seedy hotel, you'll always get the room with the flashing neon sign right outside the window.* If you’re in a hurry, you don’t need keys to start your car.* Ugly girls are just pretty girls with glasses and/or braces.* Whentyping,youneverneedtohitthespacebar.* If you’re the underdog team, the winning shot will swish into the basket at the same time the buzzer hits zero.* Aliens from other planets always sound American.* Morning breath is non-existent. * A bulletproof vest will protect you from being shot in the head or extremities.* In a car chase, you’ll always miss oncoming vehicles by mere inches.I could go on forever, but there’s an important news bulletin I need to see. I’ll be right back.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL
The king of Elvis sightings is dead.
After 28 years, the tabloid that titillated us with its outlandish scoops about aliens, Bigfoot and the celebrity undead, cranked out its last issue on Aug. 27.
The Weekly World News, which billed itself as "The World's Only Reliable Newspaper," sported a front page that looked like a cut-and-paste project by a demented 10-year-old. It was printed in black and white, but it never lacked color.
Certainly, the glossier National Enquirer, Star, Globe and Sun are considered more “prestigious” (a relative term here) among the tabloid-erati, but the WWN had something those publications lack: A sense of humor. Behind the bunny-battling matadors, demon-possessed toilets and exposès that Dick Cheney is a robot (I’m still not convinced that story’s fake) was a major element of “nudge-nudge, wink-wink.”The WWN, which inspired faux-news outlets like The Onion, holds the distinction of being the only tabloid to inspire two musicals—David Byrne's 1986 movie “True Stories” and the off-Broadway “Bat Boy: The Musical.” And unlike other tabs, big stars heartily endorse it. In the book Bat Boy Lives!: The Weekly World News Guide to Politics, Culture, Celebrities, Alien Abductions, and the Mutant Freaks that Shape Our World, Johnny Depp states, “The only gossip I'm interested in is in the Weekly World News." And in the movie “Men in Black,” Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) calls the WWN “the best damn investigative reporting on the planet."
When it came to not-so-real stars, the tabloid had some of its own. The legendary Bat Boy’s adventures included leading cops on a three-state chase, wooing Hillary Rodham Clinton, foiling a terrorist bomb plot and being knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Bigfoot kept a lumberjack as his love slave, while his female counterpart, a Sasquatch hooker, posed nude for a girlie-mag centerfold. Then there was the undead Elvis, who, in the paper’s best-selling issue, was found holed up in a Kalamazoo hideout.
In its heyday, the WWN boasted a million-plus readers and represented the best—and worst—of sensationalism. Its absurd headlines (“Concrete Enemas A Bad Idea, Docs Warn”) entertained millions more as they waited in grocery checkout lines.
Here are 10 more of the many great headlines in WWN history:
* “Space Aliens Are Sending Their Kids To Earth’s Universities & They’re Making Our Top Students Look Like Idiots!”* “200 Elves Laid Off As Santa Moves Operation To Honduras Sweatshop”
* “Kitten Accused Of Murder—Sign The Petition Or Fluffy Dies!”
* “Why Moses Wandered In The Desert For 40 Years: He Lost The Map!"* “Osama And Saddam Adopt Shaved Baby Ape” (A follow-up to “Saddam & Osama In Love!”)
* “Meek Sue to Inherit the Earth!”
* “Aliens Passing Gas Caused Hole In Ozone Layer!”
* “Loch Ness Monster Surfaces In Jersey Bathtub”
* “Ka-BOOB! Woman’s Breast Implant Explodes!”
* “Carpal Tuna Syndrome . . . Computer User's Fingers Turning Into Fish!”
Alas, poor Bat Boy … we hardly knew ye. But there’s good news for WWN fans: The tabloid lives on in cyberspace at www.weeklyworldnews.com. If your computer freezes while you’re reading, blame it on the aliens.
BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL What began as a series of 30-second sketches on a variety show has left a giant, four-toed footprint in television history. One of the greatest influences on adult-oriented, animated sitcoms, The Simpsons premiered in 1987 as filler material on The Tracey Ullman Show. Three years later, the dysfunctional Springfielders were the stars of the Fox Network's first series to rank among a season's top 30 highest-rated shows. Naturally, a merchandising avalanche ensued – clothing, video games, comic books – anything that could be emblazoned with the Simpsons’ bug-eyed, yellow faces. Teachers were appalled by students sporting Bart’s “Underachiever (‘And proud of it, man!’)” T-shirt; many schools banned all things Simpsonian. George Bush the Elder urged families to be more like The Waltons and less like The Simpsons. Wife Barbara called the show “the dumbest thing” she’d ever seen – which she’d apologize for after receiving a strongly worded letter from blue-beehived mama Marge. Detractors didn’t stop the show from flourishing into a multibillion-dollar empire. Two decades later, the Simpsons’ star shows no signs of dimming, as proven by the box office take from their silver screen debut. Since its late July release, The Simpsons Movie has grossed more than $168 million and is in the Top 20 movies with the biggest opening weekends. But Homer, Marge, Bart, Maggie and Lisa have contributed more to American pop culture than controversy, entertainment and empty wallets. Besides catchphrases like “Cowabunga, dude!” and “Eat my shorts,” much of the show’s lingo has been adopted into the English lexicon. Most famous is Homer’s trademark grunt, “D’oh!,” an exclamation of annoyance now found in several dictionaries. I’ve often used the term unthinkingly while in the throes of vexation. Same goes for “meh,” a declaration of boredom/apathy not invented by the Simpsons (some sources cite it as a Yiddish expression), but certainly popularized by them. Sample usage: In the 2002 episode Hungry Hungry Homer, Homer asks Bart and Lisa if they want to go to the Blockoland theme park: Bart and Lisa, in unison: Meh. Homer: But the TV gave me the impression that ... Bart: We said, “Meh!” Lisa: M-E-H, meh. Here are more of my favorite Simpsonisms: * Okely-Dokely – The signature phrase of squeaky-clean Ned Flanders, whose habit of adding nonsensical syllables to words – “Hi-diddly-ho, neighbor-ino!” – makes me want to up-doodly-chuck. * Poindextrose: A pheromone secreted by nerds that makes them sitting ducks for wedgies. * Cromulent – Valid; acceptable. Coined in a 1996 episode to describe the next word. * Embiggen – To enlarge; to empower. This word was found its way into a paper by a Stanford physicist, which indeed makes it cromulent ‘cos those science guys are really poindextrose. And my all-time favorite “Simpsons” neologism: * Kwyjibo – A big, dumb, balding North American ape with no chin (suspiciously resembling Homer). To my dismay, my Scrabble buddies won’t allow this word coined by Bart during a round of America’s good-time game, thus denying me 116 dang-doodly points. Some linguists say such words and phrases contribute to the dumbing-down of our society. To them, I say, “Don’t have a cow, man.”
