THE YEAR IN REVIEW REVUE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

This is my last column of 2008, so what better time to look back on some of this year’s highlights (or in some cases, lowlights) in entertainment? And since it's the holiday season, what better way to reflect than in song? Feel free to go door-to-door serenading your neighbors … but don't count on me to be your one phone call from jail.

To the tune of “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”:

It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!
A time to reminisce - who did that, who said this?
Who did we jeer or cheer?
It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!

Britney Spears staged a comeback, while Winehouse smoked more crack
Madonna and Guy called it quits;
She's been seen with A-Rod, who's kind of a big clod,
But at least he's still scoring hits!

It's the flashback-iest season once more!
Looking back at the rich - who got hitched, who got ditched?
Who made ratings soar?
It's the flashback-iest season once more!

The '08 election, lampooned to perfection
By Tina Fey, funny and smart;
Her good-natured nailin' of Governor Palin
Made it hard to tell them apart!

Teenage stars made many headlines this year!
Jamie Lynn caused a stir, parenthood ended her
Disney TV career!
Teenage stars made many headlines this year!

When young Miley went bareback, she caught a ton of flak,
But there was more scandal ahead...
The fans went bananas when Hannah Montana
Took photos that would make your face red!

Oh, the stork worked overtime all this year!
Stars were breeding like bunnies and it sure seems funny:
Twins from there to here!
Yes, the stork worked over time all this year!

Angelina and J-Lo bore double the payload;
Their photos were quite the big scoop!
Ricky Martin had two boys and now he knows the joys
Of livin' la vida de poop!

'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true:
Katy P kissed a chick - and she really liked it;
Lindsay Lohan, did too!
'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true!

Then Clay Aiken came out (like there was any doubt),
Ellen wed Portia at their posh pad;
Major Sulu's big trip wasn't on a spaceship,
But down the aisle with his beau Brad!

Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year:
Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac and Paul Newman - it's fact:
We wish they were still here!
Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year.

To Heath Ledger: Goodbye, you were too young to die;
Farewell, Carlin, your humor lives on!
Other people of fame - there's too many to name
Laugh with you in The Great Beyond!

There'll be more headlines and footnotes next year!
First, a new Head of State ... "High School Musical" eight?
Yes, the forecast is clear …
There'll be more high jinks and low points next year!

CLOSE THE BUFFET, I'M ALL FED UP!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

The time has come in this GO! writer's life
When she must define what's "too much,"
And so, dear readers, I bring you this week
Some subjects I'll no longer touch:

Naughty pictures of countless young starlets,
Spreading the 'net like a virus;
Showing in public what's best kept in private;
The most recent is young Miley Cyrus!

Playing grown-up, she posed nearly topless
Back in April for Vanity Fair.
Also making the rounds are some sleepover photos
Showing Miley in underwear.

She's Hannah Montana, not Hannah Nicole!
Sure, she made a bad judgment call.
Comparatively speaking, it could be much worse –
Some stars wear no undies at all!

Enough of this stuff!Young stars in the buff!
I'm sick of the hubbub and horror!
Next thing you know, there'll be a peep show
Of Dora the Explorer!

Britney Spears will no longer be gracing this page;
I've grown weary of all her inanity.
No more jokes about K-Fed or Sean P. or Jayden;
No more potshots at her insanity.

Giving Britney attention's like giving rewards
To a toddler who keeps throwing fits.
Let's put her in time-out and simply ignore her
Maybe then she’ll re-gather her wits.

Tom Cruise is another one stirring up headlines
Some say he's a religious nut.
That's his business, I say, and so as of this day,
I am keeping my eyes wide shut!

Cruise and his family now are off-limits
Even though daughter Suri's real cute;
Should I break my word and share gossip I’ve heard,
May Lord Xenu render me mute!

And let's not forget 'bout a redhead named Lindsay,
Whose every last movement is media fare;
The latest reports say she's dating a woman
Hey, it ain't me, so why should I care?

Now Lindsay's whole family is riding her coattails,
Mom and sibs have a reality show, man!
I hope it gets cancelled – and soon – 'cos I'm tired
Of living la vida Lohan!

I, for one, will be glad when Angie and Brad
Have enough kids to start a new nation;
'Cos then maybe they'll buy their own island –
In a far-off, top-secret location!

Amy Winehouse, I'm not touching that one,
Not in print – or with sterilized tongs!
And the same goes for Ms. Paris Hilton,
Whose scandals will outlive her songs.

And last, but not least, we have Ashlee and Jess;
I'm bored with their affairs of the heart.
The only Simpsons who'll get my attention
Are named Homer and Lisa and Bart!

GIRLS GONE BALD

By BELINDA M. PASCHAL

For the past few weeks, we've been knee-deep in the hoopla surrounding Britney Spears' impromptu head-shaving episode. Without a doubt, the poor girl is 10 pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag, but she's certainly not the first famous woman to bare her noggin.

Traditional standards of femininity dictate that a woman's hair is her crowning glory, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the entertainment business, where what's on top of a woman's skull garners more attention than what's inside it.

Tradition, schmadition, I say. There are numerous follicularly-challenged females who exemplify shear beauty. As proof of this, I present to you my personal Top 10 Hottest and/or Coolest Bald Women in Entertainment, in no particular order:

1. Grace Jones: Pull Up to the Bumper was a big hit for Jones, who pulled up to the barber to become one of the first chrome-domed women in popular music.

2. Lieutenant Ilia in Star Trek: The Motion Picture: Persis Khambatta lopped off her raven locks to portray a Deltan dish who exuded pheromones to attract human males, thus bypassing the expense of Bud Light and ESPN.

3. Evey Hammond: Natalie Portman went all Edward Scissor-head two years ago for this role in V for Vendetta and looked absolutely stunning. Of course, Portman would still be gorgeous with a dead possum atop her head, whereas Donald Trump has never been able to pull off that look.

4. Ellen Ripley, Alien 3: As one of filmdom's few bona-fide female action heroes, Sigourney Weaver kicked butt in this 1992 sequel without the annoyance of a hairstyling posse spritzing her every five minutes to maintain that "I'm all sweaty from fighting a drooling space monster" look.

5. Lt. Jordan O'Neil: Demi Moore rocked a buzz cut as a Navy SEAL in 1997's G.I. Jane. She won rave reviews and dazzled moviegoers — including future hubby Ashton Kutcher, who had to be accompanied by an adult to see this R-rated flick.

6. Sinèad O'Connor: No list of baldy babes would be complete without the controversial Irish rocker who's as well-remembered for shredding a photo of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night Live as she is for hits like Nothing Compares 2 U.

7. Melissa Etheridge: Wearing her smooth scalp as a badge of courage from her battle with breast cancer, Etheridge stole the show at the 2005 Grammys with a medley of Janis Joplin's Cry Baby/Piece of My Heart.

8. Queen Elizabeth I: While not officially an entertainment figure, Elizabeth of Tudor, who went bald at age 29 due to smallpox, has been portrayed on TV and film, most recently by Helen Mirren on last year's great HBO mini-series.

9. India.Arie: A champion of self-love over societal standards of beauty, she crooned, "I am not my hair/I am not this skin/I am not your expectations," in last year's I Am Not My Hair.

10. Prymaat Conehead: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd as matrimonial companion Beldar were noted for the uniform consistency and gradual diminution of their subcutaneous cranial regions. Yeah, I had to consult a dictionary to understand 'em, too.

Honorable Mention: Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager.

While I applaud the courage of women who break the bonds of conventionality and dare to go bare, I won't be shaving my head any time soon. This isn't merely a matter of vanity; it's just that it would be terribly embarrassing to have Linus mistake my freakishly round noggin for The Great Pumpkin come Halloween.