FALLING APART AT THE THEMES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

"Goldfingahhhhhhhhhh!"

"Live and let diiiie … dunt, DUNNNNN!"

"Nobody does it better … baby, you’re the best!"

"For your eyes only, only for yoooooou …"

Despite never having watched a single James Bond flick in its entirety, I can sing the theme songs to many offerings from the Connery and Moore eras, which ran from the early 60’s through mid-80’s, when Tim Dalton took over in "The Living Daylights." It speaks volumes that all I can remember about that film’s theme is the title – because it’s the same as the movie’s – and the performer – a-Ha – because they did that really cool (for 1985, anyway) video that looked like a comic book.

There was a time when you couldn’t escape hearing silver screen theme songs – in the car, the dentist’s chair, an elevator – wherever you went. My eye still twitches when I hear the opening strains of Celine Dion’s "My Heart Will Go On."

The songs were as big as the movies themselves. We were born to be wild like "Easy Rider." We strutted our stuff with John Travolta ‘cos we, too, were "Stayin’ Alive." We shared misty, watercolor memories with Barbra Streisand. And when Isaac Hayes’ backup singers demanded that we shut our moufs, we innocently replied, "I’m talkin’ ‘bout Shaft!"

Whatever happened to definitive theme songs? There’s been the occasional hit in the last decade, but the stream of true blockbuster songs has pretty much run dry. They just don’t write ‘em like that anymore.

In honor of these odes of yore, below are a few of my favorite movie theme songs. They’re all from the 1980’s because was my theatergoing heyday. I spent much of my free time at the movies because my neighborhood wasn’t wired for cable, VCRs were the size of Buicks and I hadn’t yet become too crabby to tolerate the annoying habits of other moviegoers – you know, talking … popcorn-crunching … soda-slurping … breathing.

* "Eye of The Tiger" – Survivor, "Rocky III" (1982). Show me a high school marching band that can't play this song and I’ll show you a geekatorium where Mathletes is the most popular team sport.

* "Flashdance ... What A Feeling" – Irene Cara, "Flashdance" (1983) This song/movie showed me my true calling as a breakdancer. In the Locked Bedroom Door Contemporary Dance Troupe, that is.

* "I Melt With You" – Modern English, "Valley Girl" (1983)

* "Ghostbusters" – Ray Parker Jr., "Ghostbusters" (1984)

* "Purple Rain" – Prince, "Purple Rain" (1984)

* "Don't You (Forget About Me)" – Simple Minds, "The Breakfast Club" (1985) – I was a combination of the “brain” and the “basket case,” according to a scientific study (translation: a Seventeen Magazine quiz).

* "We Don't Need Another Hero" – Tina Turner, "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" (1985)

* "Glory Of Love" – Peter Cetera, "The Karate Kid Part II" (1986). As twentysomething Ralph Macchio's age finally began to show, his turn as 17-year-old Daniel-san felt like a little bit of a stretch in this fairly decent sequel. I mean, the guy doesn't look a day under 19!

* "Take My Breath Away" – Berlin, "Top Gun" (1986)

* "Who Wants To Live Forever?" – Queen, "Highlander" (1986)

* "In Your Eyes" – Peter Gabriel, "Say Anything" (1989). This song and the scene it underscores inspired countless lovestruck teenage boys to let their boomboxes say what their knotted-up tongues couldn’t. It also inspired countless irate parents to file restraining orders.

YOU FEEL LUCKY, PUNK?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

TGIF (tee-gee-eye-eff)--interjection. 1. Acronym for "Thank God It's Friday," a common refrain of laborers who, like mullet-haired 80's rockers Loverboy, are "workin' for the weekend." 2. Something superstitious people won't be saying today.

Friday the 13th. What is it about this day that makes people jumpier than spit on a hot skillet? In extreme cases, some folks refuse to leave home until the bell tolls Saturday, releasing them from the paralyzing grip of paraskavedekatriaphobia – a fancy, unpronounceable way of saying, "Friday the 13th scares the bejabbers out of me."

Folklorists say there’s no documentation of this superstition before the 19th century. Probably because the evidence was shredded by a black cat that broke a mirror while carrying an open umbrella in the house. Obviously, I’m joking – lacking opposable thumbs, cats cannot carry umbrellas. But seriously, there are several theories about the superstition’s origin, the simplest being that it’s an amalgamation of two older superstitions: 1) Thirteen is an unlucky number, and 2) Friday is an unlucky day.

Personally, I don’t see what all the hoopla is about. I’d rather have 13 dollars – or donuts – than 12 and any day I wake up on the alive side of the bed is a lucky one. If that day happens to be Friday – be it the 13th or 23rd – bonus! No work tomorrow! I won’t have to leave the house except to run to the store for $13 worth of donuts!

Many of us herald the arrival of each Friday like it’s some kind of holiday, so why not observe Friday the 13th the same way? We throw parties on birthdays, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve … why not celebrate a new kind of "Black Friday"? Laughing in the face of superstition is the perfect way to overcome your fears.

First, you’ll want to invite 12 guests – plus you, that equals 13 people. Next, what’s on the menu? In some cultures, eating chicken on holidays is forbidden for fear that your luck could fly away. Pfft. Ever seen a chicken fly? Oh, they DO … just not very well. So serve those buffalo wings without fear! But go easy on the sauce or you might not feel so lucky later. Choose your poison and drink to luck, then follow your toast with dessert – something simple like Rice Krispies treats. But instead of the traditional snap-crackle-popular cereal, use Lucky Charms. They’re magically delicious!

After a game of Pin the Lucky Foot on the Rabbit, end the evening with a movie. The long list of appropriately themed films includes two versions of "Freaky Friday" and (if you can overlook the idiotic spelling) "Thir13een Ghosts," but the obvious choice is "Friday the 13th" or one of its numerous sequels. I think they’re up to "Part 287: Jason Gets a Hangnail" now.

If you’re not up for a gorefest, check out 1978’s "Thank God It’s Friday." Sure, it’s a musical comedy, but it’s chock-full of disco-era fashions and frankly, it doesn’t get much scarier than that.

BARACK AROUND THE CLOCK!

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

Ten days ago, hundreds of millions of Americans witnessed history in the making.

They braved blistering cold to swarm Washington D.C.'s National Mall for a firsthand experience of the event. They braved beer-sticky floors to congregate in bars with big-screen televisions. They braved cranky grandmas upset about the pre-empting of “The Price is Right” to gather in living rooms across the country.

Casting aside such divisions as gender, age, religion, race, creed and color, people from all walks of life united to celebrate a momentous first in this great nation of ours: The swearing-in of the first U.S. president with a six-pack. And I don't mean Bud Light.

Of course, I'm kidding. You'd have to pretty much be living with wolves to not know what happened in our nation's capital on Jan. 20, 2009 ... because wolves only have analog TV and reception in those caves is terrible.

We call George Washington "The Father of His Country." JFK was crowned "The King of Camelot." In Ronald Reagan, we had a cowboy president. Now meet Barack Obama: Presidential pop star.

No, he's not a pop star in the most familiar sense of the term – I'm sure his daughters are far more enthralled by the Jonas Brothers' singing than their dad's – but remember, the "pop" part of the phrase is short for "popular," which Obama undeniably is. Plus there's John McCain's now-infamous comparison of Obama to Britney Spears (they even had the same haircut at one point). If that's not indicative enough of Obama’s seamless assimilation into the pop-culture world, he’s also the first sitting president to use e-mail, as well as an admitted Blackberry addict. In fact, I hear the original draft of his inaugural speech began, "My fellow citizens: OMG, u guyz! I <3 u all!"

But seriously … you can scarcely make it through the checkout line without Obama’s pearly whites blinding you from at least 263 magazine covers, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility that the new prez someday might have his own television network – B.O.-TV, if you will. I’ve already got a few programming suggestions:

In the reality show "Barack of Love," Obama helps a washed-up rock singer find Ms. Right ... or at least Ms. Right-Now.

"O'Bamba" stars the new Head of State as a 1950's rock singer who dies in a tragic accident at the pinnacle of his musical career. Lou Diamond Phillips has a cameo as Roadie No. 3.

While incarcerated, a young man is introduced to politics by his cellmate, a disgraced ex-senator. Upon his release, he uses the lessons he learned in the Big House to land the top spot in the White House. Obama is the Commander-in-Chief in (dramatic pause) "Jailhouse Barack."

And now, our feature presentation: With every wedding comes a few surprises and "'Bama Mia!" is one trip down the aisle you'll never forget ... especially after hearing the 44th president belt out ABBA's "Dancing Queen."

CRYING ‘FOUL’ ON TEAMS SPORTING STUPID NAMES

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

When it comes to sports, playing is only part of the game. A team’s success also requires some savvy behind-the-scenes folks – managers, promoters, sponsors and so on. That’s why it stymies me that many teams take to the fields, courts, diamonds and ice rinks of America with mind-crushingly stupid names. Apparently, marketers really enjoy a challenge.

Case in point: The Macon Whoopee, a now defunct Macon, Ga., hockey team. Whoever came up with that gem probably pulled a muscle patting himself on the back, but unless you’re a jazz singer or Bob Eubanks, the phrase “Macon Whoopee” should never, ever trip off your tongue. Sources say poor attendance and monetary losses caused the team to fold in 2002, but I suspect they died from the embarrassment of wearing their jerseys in public.

I was baffled last week when I glimpsed about 15.8 seconds of a face-off between the L.A. Kings and the Anaheim Ducks. I’m no hockey expert – the closest I’ve come to the sport is watching a Sarah Palin interview – because I had no idea they dropped “Mighty” from their name almost four years ago. I thought maybe they’d disassociated from Emilio Estevez’s trilogy of cinematic genius in a bid for a less laughable name. You know, because plain ol’ ducks are more serious than mighty ones. They should’ve kept the adjective and traded the bird for something that doesn’t make me think “Daffy.” You know what they say: “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck and jeez, what an idiotic name for a team.”

A team’s name should make opponents hyperventilate and go fetal when they see the season schedule. “Minnesota Vikings” sounds fierce and formidable, while “Houston Texans” sounds like a bored suggestion by someone incredibly lazy. “Pittsburgh Pirates” says, “Arrgh! Surely we shall kill ye!” while “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” says, “Dude, we totally flunked geography.”

A few other pro, college and high school team names that deserve to sit the bench are:

* The Omaha Beef, a pro indoor football (seriously!) organization with a bull mascot named Sir Loin, and female and male dancers called, respectively, The Prime and The Rumproasters. I swear on a stack of T-bones I'm not making this up.

* The Scottsdale (Ariz.) Community College Fighting Artichokes. Nothing says “victory” like an ill-tempered flower-vegetable.

* The St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectic. “Eutectic,” the process of two solids combining to form a liquid is supposedly a metaphor for the school’s combination of athletics and demanding academics. I think it’s really Greek for, “We don’t care about sports because we’ll be cashing big, fat pharmacist paychecks someday, so enjoy your worthless victory, fools!”

* The University of California, Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. They’re coming to slaughter ... your fruit.

And last, but certainly not least, are the unfortunate students of Butte High in Arco, Idaho, where the mascot is … wait for it … a Pirate. For the sake of good sportsmanship, I’ll let that joke write itself.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION?

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

It's a new year and for many, a new beginning. Yes, it's resolution time, when otherwise sane people declare 2009 the year they will become testaments to willpower, clean living and stick-to-it-tiveness. They'll quit smoking, eat healthy, drink less, and exercise more. They'll finally finish that treehouse they started for Billy in 1990 – with help from Billy, who now has a master's in architecture.

And like last year and the year before, they'll rip up their lists before year's end … or month's end … or the end of this column.

How can you stop the cycle of making and breaking New Year's resolutions? Simple – don't make any! "That's cheating," you say. "If you have no resolutions, you can’t brag about not breaking any!" Yeah, what's your point? I'm taking the easy way out? Don't judge!

OK, fine. If it’ll make you feel better, I'll bite the bullet. I certainly could stand to drop a few pounds and get back to my original weight. But since there's no way I'll ever downsize to 6 pounds, 6 ounces, instead I resolve to do the following:

* Reduce my caffeine consumption, except on special occasions, e.g.: a) My birthday; b) Holidays, including but not limited to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Cinco de Mayo and Groundhog Day; and c) Days of the week ending in "y."

* Walk a mile in others' shoes before criticizing them. That way, if they get mad, they're a mile away. And barefoot.

* Procrastinate less (starting tomorrow). See, the reason so many folks bail on their resolutions is because they set the bar so high even Shaq could limbo under it, which brings us to the first tip in Belinda's Resolutions Everyone's Able to Keep (BREAK):

* Keep it real - Set goals you can reasonably expect to achieve. While "I will lose 50 pounds by the end of the year," is admirable, it’s not pragmatic for some. However, "I will gain 30 pounds, maintain it long enough for people to forget what I once looked like, then lose it, causing everyone to gush about how great I look," is within the realm of possibility.

Now that you've recorded your roster of realistic resolutions, go down the list and summarily cross off all resolutions that:

* You tried before but broke within the first month.

* You made for someone else - your significant other, friends, the mail carrier ... unless it's "Train Sparky to stop attacking people in uniforms," in which case, that's just good lawsuit-avoiding sense.

* Stem from media-induced shame. Those muscleheads were fit and trim BEFORE shooting that Ab-Dominator infomercial.

* Depend upon your mood, the weather, having a good hair day, planetary alignment, etc.

At this point, if you’ve been honest with yourself, you should be looking at a blank sheet of paper. Congratulations! Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna walk to Starbuck’s for a triple espresso. Wearing these shoes I found. Meh … maybe tomorrow.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW REVUE

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

This is my last column of 2008, so what better time to look back on some of this year’s highlights (or in some cases, lowlights) in entertainment? And since it's the holiday season, what better way to reflect than in song? Feel free to go door-to-door serenading your neighbors … but don't count on me to be your one phone call from jail.

To the tune of “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”:

It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!
A time to reminisce - who did that, who said this?
Who did we jeer or cheer?
It's a most ponder-ful time of the year!

Britney Spears staged a comeback, while Winehouse smoked more crack
Madonna and Guy called it quits;
She's been seen with A-Rod, who's kind of a big clod,
But at least he's still scoring hits!

It's the flashback-iest season once more!
Looking back at the rich - who got hitched, who got ditched?
Who made ratings soar?
It's the flashback-iest season once more!

The '08 election, lampooned to perfection
By Tina Fey, funny and smart;
Her good-natured nailin' of Governor Palin
Made it hard to tell them apart!

Teenage stars made many headlines this year!
Jamie Lynn caused a stir, parenthood ended her
Disney TV career!
Teenage stars made many headlines this year!

When young Miley went bareback, she caught a ton of flak,
But there was more scandal ahead...
The fans went bananas when Hannah Montana
Took photos that would make your face red!

Oh, the stork worked overtime all this year!
Stars were breeding like bunnies and it sure seems funny:
Twins from there to here!
Yes, the stork worked over time all this year!

Angelina and J-Lo bore double the payload;
Their photos were quite the big scoop!
Ricky Martin had two boys and now he knows the joys
Of livin' la vida de poop!

'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true:
Katy P kissed a chick - and she really liked it;
Lindsay Lohan, did too!
'Twas a year of gaiety, this is true!

Then Clay Aiken came out (like there was any doubt),
Ellen wed Portia at their posh pad;
Major Sulu's big trip wasn't on a spaceship,
But down the aisle with his beau Brad!

Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year:
Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac and Paul Newman - it's fact:
We wish they were still here!
Sadly, we lost some bright stars this past year.

To Heath Ledger: Goodbye, you were too young to die;
Farewell, Carlin, your humor lives on!
Other people of fame - there's too many to name
Laugh with you in The Great Beyond!

There'll be more headlines and footnotes next year!
First, a new Head of State ... "High School Musical" eight?
Yes, the forecast is clear …
There'll be more high jinks and low points next year!

STUPID IS AS STUPID DUHS

BY BELINDA M. PASCHAL

There are no stupid questions. At least that’s what our parents assured us as children. But like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and “Your face is gonna freeze that way,” it was just another of those little white lies adults tell kids because harmless fibs are cheaper than the therapy we’d need after being called stupid.

If you believe there are no stupid questions, just turn on the radio. Recently, I was rocking out to The Clash – "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble, if I go it will be double" – a song I’d heard countless times in the past 20-plus years, but never deeply contemplated. Let’s see … staying = an indeterminate amount of trouble, while going = even more trouble. That’s like saying, "If I stay, my girlfriend will burn my clothes, but if I go, she’ll burn my clothes with me IN them." Given the options, this seems like a no-brainer. (P.S. He ultimately left her, lived to tell and scored a No. 1 hit in the process.)

It doesn’t matter if you dig classic rock, Top 40, R&B, country or post-nuclear techno-cabaret, insipid inquiries transcend genre and generation. For instance:

* "The Way I Are," Timbaland: "Can you handle me the way I are?" – Does he have multiple personalities or just bad grammar? Either way, I can’t handle this song the way it am.

* "On the Bus," Destiny's Child featuring Timbaland: "Why you sleepin' with ya eyes closed?" – Probably because I’m not a goldfish.

* "Earth Song," Michael Jackson: "What about elephants, have we lost their trust?" – I reckon that depends on what the elephants have heard from the pre-teen boys, Mike.

* "Pinball Wizard," (The Who): "How do you think he does it? I don’t know!" – In the verse and chorus preceding this line, it is explained that the Pinball Wizard "does it" by intuition and sense of smell, not to mention he’s got such a supple wrist and crazy flipper fingers. Pete Townshend presented the answer before the question, which is fine … if you’re playing "Jeopardy."

* "Sk8tr Boi," Avril Lavigne: "He was a boy, she was a girl … can I make it any more obvious?" – A pointless question, as gender differences are usually obvious to begin with. But apparently, Avril felt the need to elaborate and continued singing for more than three minutes. Had she realized the folly of her query, the song would have ended after that opening line – a monumental improvement, in my opinion.

* "Hero," Enrique Iglesias: "Would you tremble if I touched your lips?" – Tremble? No. Feel incredibly creeped out and in immediate need of lip sanitizer? You bet.

* "You Really Want to Hurt Me?," Culture Club: "Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" – Oh, Boy George … can I make it any more obvious?